Your Application To Cryobank NYC Has Been Denied, by Harris Mayersohn and Blythe Roberson
Dear Potential Donor:
Unfortunately, your application to donate sperm to the New York City Cryobank has been reviewed and rejected. While we cannot disclose the specific reason your sperm was not accepted, we can provide recurring issues that have kept us from accepting donors in the past.
In some cases, the cause of rejection is beyond the scope of the application. Some examples:
• We already have a full roster of donors.
• Low consumer demand for sperm, often coinciding with a rise in local occurrences of feminism.
• Our freezer broke and we can’t keep the sperm cold enough.
• Our freezer broke and the sperm is way too cold.
• We ran out of sperm cups.
• The majority of our staff quit because everyone kept razzing them for working in a sperm bank.
In most cases, however, applicants are rejected due to issues with their applications. These include:
• Family history of diabetes.
• Cannot physically produce sperm because you are a woman. While we respect your efforts to break this particular glass ceiling, we must remind you that we are a men-only sperm bank.
• Clearly have not weighed the consequences of having children with your likeness existing in the world.
• Listed your body type as “kind of like a wine opener.”
• Could not account for occupations or whereabouts of German ancestors during the 1930s.
• Suffer from depression.
• Do not suffer from depression even though Donald Trump is president. Come on, buddy!
• Answered too honestly when you said you’d press a button that kills a random stranger for a million dollars.
• Asked far too many questions about protocol for running into your sperm children on the street, including, “Will the child have to wear a bracelet that says ‘Dave’s Sperm?’” (No.)
• You’re a Virgo.
• Kept asking who would drive you home after you made your donations in case you got too sleepy.
While we are saddened to reject your application, we greatly appreciate your interest in donating sperm for money and we wish you best of luck with your future endeavors getting random people pregnant. We are also returning the “Dave’s Sperm” bracelet you included with your application.
Harris Mayersohn is a comedy writer, performer, and producer who currently works at The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Follow him on Twitter @harrismayer!
Blythe Roberson is a contributor to The New Yorker, The Onion, and ClickHole. You can follow her on Twitter here.
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