FAQs About the New Health Care Law’s “Tremendous Vampire Bats” Mandate, by Matt Baca

bat
Will the “tremendous vampire bats” mandate affect me and my family?
Perhaps. President Trump’s replacement health care law requires every American who loses health insurance to purchase a bloodletting vampire bat. No American will be left uncovered by the world’s best health insurance, or failing that, a thirsty vampire bat that will attend to your family and mammalian pets.

How do I maintain my vampire bat?
The bats will take care of themselves, assuming you and your children are warm-blooded and diurnal.

How many people will receive tremendous vampire bats?
The Congressional Budget Office predicts that 22 million Americans will be required to purchase vampire bats in the coming years. No president in history has ever provided more vampire bats, or vampire bats that are more tremendous, to the American people.

How are vampire bats, tremendous or otherwise, going to help me if I lose my insurance?
Vampire bats, especially tremendous ones, have been proven to be effective by the President’s own internal musings. Likewise, researchers at Trump University have found that becoming undead increases life expectancy by infinity.

Will the “tremendous vampire bats” be tremendous in size or in some other way?
Some will be tremendous in size. Some will be tremendous in other ways, such as flight speed or the ability to hide in your coat closet. Some bats may also be tremendously good at carrying and transmitting tropical disease. Tropical disease bats will be reserved for members of the mainstream media.

Why am I just hearing about this now?
Because you should have taken the President literally, seriously, metaphorically, organically, tragically, and all the other adverbs. President Trump was plenty clear during the campaign that he wanted to replace the Obamacare mandate with a “tremendous” or “yuge” vampire bats alternative. Watch the tapes. He was also clear about sucking out America’s soul.

What if I would prefer to have actual health insurance?
You should think of the bats as alternative health insurance. Every American will finally have access to health insurance or alternative health insurance at an affordable price.

Who will provide the vampire bats?
The bats will be purchased from a wholly owned subsidiary of TRUMP GOLF MANAGEMENT, LLC.

Will there be child-sized bats for minors?
Bats will be allocated on a per family basis. If your child or children cannot withstand nightly feedings, you may purchase a BatGuard Pro from TRUMP GOLF MANAGEMENT, LLC. We also recommend BatGuard EyeProtection Pro for all Americans, even those who do not have a bat assigned to them or their family. There are going to be a lot of bats.

That seems like a conflict of interest?
The President is not doing and saying increasingly crazy things to distract the public from the mandate to purchase vampire bats from his business conglomerate, which is now overseen by completely unaffiliated business geniuses (Donald Jr. and Eric).

Can I stop the advertisements from streaming when I put on my BatGuard EyeProtection Pro?
The BatGuard EyeProtection Pro is engineered so that you can only turn the brightness and volume of the advertisements up. If you would like to stop the advertisements, we advise turning up the volume on all the units in your home until they are so loud that your brain begins to interpret the advertisements as white noise. But please be aware that loud noises may increase the intensity and frequency of your bats’ need for feedings.

What if I have health insurance but my partner does not?
Congratulations. Your health insurance has been canceled and you will be assigned your own bat.

What if my tremendous vampire bat does not make me feel healthier?
Any ineffective bat or bats are due to immigrants. See Science.

What?
Barack Obama.

What about the rumor that this is a scheme to unload accidentally-purchased vampire bats on American taxpayers?
All news is fake news, especially that news. There’s no truth to the allegation that the President accidentally purchased 55 million vampire bats because of a translation problem with the Russian for “exclusive seaside golf resort” and “exclusive seaside cave filled with bats.” Or that now he just wants to unload these unholy assets after his initial attempt (TRUMP STEAKS, LLC) failed. All news is fake news.

Are the vampire bats turning people into vampires?
Donald Trump won the election. Americans do not care about this question. Two plus two equals five bats!

None of this is real, right?
Donald Trump is really the real president. And the black box with airholes in your bedroom sure seems real, too.

Matt Baca is an attorney for migrant farm workers and a writer in Colorado. His work has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and in Janice Magazine and is forthcoming in the Southwest Review

From Our Partners