Thanks For Looking After My Five-Headed Bat-Like Creature While I’m Away On Vacation! by Alex Lee

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Thanks for taking care of Giuseppe while I’m away on vacation, Shaun. Especially on such short notice! Sarah, the girl who works in business affairs, had to drop out last minute. But I know he’ll be in good hands with you. In this note, you’ll find a couple of simple things to remember when looking after my little rascal. Hope you two have fun!

First of all, I should probably start by telling you a little about Giuseppe. Some have described him as a five-headed bat, but that doesn’t exactly capture what he is. Others have called him a mythical dragon, which I can totally understand. But again, it’s not totally correct. Personally, I would describe him as a five-headed bat with some of the features of a mythical dragon. That probably lands closest to what you’ll see when you descend into his dungeon.

Which brings me to my next point! To get to the dungeon that Giuseppe inhabits, you’ll have to go into my room, and knock twice on the floor directly under my shaggy teal rug. (Got it on sale at CB2. It’s not just you, everybody asks.) This will let the centaur doorkeeper know you’re there. Stand back, and the trap door should swing open.

After you descend the spiral staircase and cross The Bridge of No Return, take exactly 12 steps forward, 15 steps to the left, and 20 steps to the right. That should take you to Giuseppe’s wing of the dungeon. Do not, under any circumstance, take 11 steps forward, one step to the left, and four steps to the right.

It’s just a thing.

Now, Giuseppe might be a five-ton, fire-breathing Child of the Darkness, but he also happens to be a rescue with a troubled past. Which is why I would advise you to avoid making any sudden movements, since that tends to trigger his breathing of fire and ear-piercing screams, the latter of which tends to trigger car alarms and burst eardrums—and you’ll probably get a heart attack. Just something to keep in mind.

Moving on! Giuseppe’s food formula is made of one part beef, two parts poultry, three parts tree bark, and a sprinkling of the Souls of the Undead. I might be running low on Souls of the Undead. If there’s none left, you’ll have to pay a visit to the evil shapeshifting witch who lives in the darkest wing of the dungeon. You might have to haggle with her a bit, but you should be able to get what you need with most of your soul intact.

As far as Giuseppe’s snacks go, they’re kept in the west wing of the dungeon. Behind one of the doors, you’ll find a thriving world of charming (gluten-free) trolls. They’ll gather around you, lavish you with gifts, and sing to you the songs of their people. But don’t get too attached! Remember: You’ll be strapping them to a crossbow and launching them into one of Giuseppe’s snarling mouths. He loves catching flying objects mid-air.

The poop situation is quite simple. I have a small team of slave imps on full-time poop-shoveling duty. Oftentimes, however, they’re not very thorough, since they lack eyes, ears, and have the overall intelligence of a fruit fly. Try cracking the cat o’ nine tails in their direction every once in a while, just to strike some fear into their hearts and really get them moving.

As for exercise? There’s none required. Giuseppe sits on top of a large pile of ancient treasures and gold coins, which he tends to be quite protective over. Good luck trying to get him to budge!

In the care package I gave you, you’ll find some party hats that sometimes cheer him up when he’s being mopey. Remember to use Giuseppe’s hashtag, #GiuseppeTheRescue, when you post pictures to Instagram. I’ll see you back in the office in a week!

Alex Lee lives in Los Angeles with his imaginary cat, Larry.

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