An Excerpt from ‘The Best American Emails,’ by Amanda Meadows

baeYou’re Invited to a Screening of ~HOCKEY JERKS~

To: amandasjunkmail@ymail.com

From: thescreenery@screenery.film

Subject: You’re Invited to a Screening of ~HOCKEY JERKS~

SCREENINGS’ GREETINGS!

Hey [amandasjunkmail@ymail.com],

Thanks for participating with The Screenery! We’d like to invite you to a screening in your area of the upcoming feature film, Hockey Jerks! Here’s all of the information you need to attend this screening:

HOCKEY JERKS
Wednesday, May 30 | Showtime: 5:30 PM
Sandstone TinyVision Theater | 30001 W. Olympic Boulevard Los Angeles, CA 90031

Please be sure to arrive no later than 6:30 a.m., because seating is on a first-come, first-bribed basis.

This invitation is for you and a guest between the ages of 17-79.  Unfortunately, we cannot admit anyone to this screening that is outside of this criteria, but do know that we will not ask for ID.

EVERYONE WHO ATTENDS THE SCREENING & COMPLETES A SHORT SURVEY AFTERWARD WILL RECEIVE TWO FREE INDIVIDUAL RAISINETS [NO SUBSTITUTIONS] TO ENJOY DURING THE SHOW.

If you have seen and enjoyed at least 3 of the following films and TV shows then please continue to the RSVP information below:

  • Gigli 2: Direct to DVD-li
  • Jay & Silent Bob Have Their Own TV Show Now
  • Clerks
  • Clerks, the Animated Series                         
  • Zach and Miri Make a Porno
  • Zach and Miri Make a Porno: XXX Porn Parody
  • Gigli
  • Any of the other good comedy movies by a down-to-Earth, nerdy filmmaker you forgot you loved!

To attend, please confirm via our website:
www.thescreenery.com/HJ/signups

For a description of HOCKEY JERKS, as well as its MPAA rating status, please see below. Thank you for participating with The Screenery, and we hope to see you at the tiny, unventilated black box we generously describe as a movie theater!

Description: You are invited to see Hockey Jerks, a top secret sports action nerd comedy dramedy partially-animated horror movie by one of Hollywood’s greatest auteurs! You’ll never guess the creative genius behind this film. Spoiler Alert: It’s not who you think it is!

OK, fine. You already know it’s Kevin Smith. You almost certainly figured that out immediately. But hear us out: it’ll be different this time. It HAS to be different this time.

This movie has characters you will enjoy watching, and won’t leave you with a feeling of emptiness and regret.

Also, all staff at this screening will sign an NDA – not for the film, but for the audience. No one currently employed or contracted by The Screenery will be allowed to disclose that you attended this screening. It will be between us. We’ll take it to the grave.

However, a roundish guy with a goatee and a hockey jersey wearing a trench coat might be sitting next to you, staring at you, waiting and hoping for you to laugh. Please be a pal and laugh, OK?

MPAA Rating Status: The movie has not yet been rated but is assumed to be R. The studio cannot guarantee the rating that the film will ultimately receive. But it is Kevin Smith, so, you get it. There’s a joke about Squirrel Girl’s pussy in this film. He thinks she stores nuts in it, or something. The joke is gross and bad, but probably the only one like that, right?

*You do not need to register to confirm for this screening. We honestly just respect your courage and optimism in these trying circumstances. Just enter your code below.*

The SWORN SECRECY CODE for this screening is: 1205306V8==D~

Snoochie Boochies! See you at the movies!

The Best American Emails: Re: A Collection of the Finest Accidental Reply Alls, Pharma Spams, and Anonymous Death Threats is available wherever books are sold.

Amanda Meadows has written for Earwolf, McSweeney’s, and countless bad places! She’s also the co-author of  the bestselling We Don’t Think You’re Racist! Soothing Affirmations from People of Color – a coffee table fixture of the woke elite. 

From Our Partners