I Invented the World’s First Menstruating Drone, by Adrienne Teeley

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If you would have told me 30 years ago that I, Dr. Ted Montgomery, would end up as one of the most lauded and influential robotics engineers of the 21st century, it’s possible I wouldn’t have believed you. But here we are! Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about my latest work.

It is with great pride that I introduce the CARRIE-984RT, affectionately called CARRIE in the lab. What makes CARRIE so special? Is it the fact that it’s the smartest, fastest delivery drone to date? Impressive, sure. But what really sets CARRIE apart from the rest is a groundbreaking new feature never before been attempted: CARRIE menstruates.

Sure, I did get some flak from my colleagues. Why should a robot have a period? Especially if said robot has absolutely nothing to do with medicine? Where is the blood coming from? Seriously, where are you getting all of that blood from, Ted? These are very surface level questions that show a remarkable lack of ingenuity and curiosity in the robotics field. Once my critics witness CARRIE soar through the sky, aggressively dripping blood from its inter-tubal nodes, I am confident they will be filled with as much wonder as I am. They’ll see that menstruation is the only thing drones were missing—until now.

I couldn’t be where I am today without possessing incredible attention to detail. One thing that makes CARRIE so majestic is that it’s equipped to feel pain. That’s right: Not only does CARRIE have a regular period, but it can also fully experience the debilitating cramps that can go along with shedding a uterine lining. It’s almost unbelievable what we as humans and especially I can do with technology these days!

There’s no doubt that the CARRIE-984RT is going to revolutionize the world of commerce, specifically parcel delivery services. There has even been talk of having a fleet of CARRIEs replace the entirety of the United States Postal Service. Just think of the money that could be saved by using these sleek, intelligent, menstruating drones to deliver mail! Even when spurting blood onto people from the heavens, or violently crashing into rooftops due to crippling pain, CARRIE won’t take a day off. You could always power CARRIE down for a while, to give it some minor relief from the severe aches and discomfort, but CARRIE can tough it out. (As a precaution, I’ve disabled all language abilities, so even if it wanted to, CARRIE is unable to ask for time off.)

In all my years of working in the most state-of-the-art laboratories, I’ve never seen anything quite like the CARRIE-984RT. Building the most advanced technological creation of the 21st century is something I’ll probably never stop talking about. In the near future, when you see a few drops of red falling from up above, hear the distant shrieks of an automaton in agony, or find a dried blood clot smeared on your mail, I hope you’ll think of me, and then of the tremendous advances mankind is making.

Adrienne Teeley is a comedian living in Chicago whose work has appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. You can find her on Twitter as @acteeley. 

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