Winter Blues Band for Hire, by Bizzy Coy

Dear Nightclub Booker,

Hi. I’m Dugan Rathbone, guitarist and lead vocalist for Doctor Sad Man’s Sad Time Jam Band, the nation’s only winter blues band. That’s right, our quartet makes your favorite blues tunes even bluer thanks to our debilitating case of seasonal affective disorder. We’re now accepting bookings for our Endless Winter national tour. Contact us soon, before we decide to stay at home and eat too many carbs.

In addition to me, Doctor Sad Man’s Sad Time Jam Band features an all-star lineup of blues cats battling the snow gloomies. You’ll hear “Moody” Judy Gershon on bass and Reggie “Snooze Button” Stevenson keepin’ time on the doldrums. (We’re still in search of a new harmonica player to replace Angie “Hibernation” Hogart, who recently increased her antidepressant dosage.)

Our stellar set list will help your patrons curb their cold-weather blahs. The musical journey starts with that old blues chestnut “My Serotonin Baby Left Me.” I’ll perform a slow, seemingly endless solo during “The Snow Shovel Blues.” Then, we take it home with my favorite tune, “If It’s Always Dark, You Can Always Drink.”

If you choose to hire Doctor Sad Man’s Sad Time Jam Band, our technical rider is easy to accommodate for venues of any size:

Stage lighting: Seven SAD lamps turned to maximum brightness

Hospitality: An assortment of soothing herbal teas, a hidden bottle of whiskey, and a cheese platter that can feed 12-14

Overnight accommodations: We haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks, so why bother?

Since I started writing this letter to you, we’ve found an awesome harmonica player for the group: Jumpin’ Johnnie Jets, an old pro with the best chops in the biz. I can’t wait for your audiences to hear his mind-numbing harmonica riffs, especially on our signature song “Feels Like Midnight at Five P.M. (In My Heart).”

Want a sneak preview of our act? We have dozens of high-quality video and audio clips from past gigs; we just haven’t uploaded them to our website yet. And we probably never will.

I really hope you’ll put us on your performance schedule. It’s so depressing to look at a blank calendar, day after empty day stretching into infinity with nothing on the horizon to look forward to. We’re primarily interested in clubs in Hawaii and Florida, but we’ll even do Alabama at this point. We’re that desperate.

Here’s what other music bookers have had to say about us:

“Doctor Sad’s really lived up to its name! When they called from the KFC parking lot to say they were stopping for a nap, I knew they were the real deal.”
Rosie Ergham, The Everblue Club

“We book blues bands all the time, but nobody has ever cancelled a gig 10 minutes before showtime by texting us a crying-face emoji. These guys are worth every penny.”
Kimball Jones, Jazz Suite

“Moody Judy Gershon went on a 20 minute rant about how the weather may improve in the spring, but the world will still be a terrible place to live. She really put my feelings into words! Then she paid for her single-serving microwavable cakes and went on her way.”
Devin Toyler, Wegman’s Grocery Store

One quick update: Regretfully, we’ve had to let go of Jumpin’ Johnnie Jets. He decided he’d rather go on a Netflix binge than on tour with us.

So, what are you waiting for? Call today before we lose all interest in playing music, an activity we once enjoyed.

Yours sadly,
Dugan Rathbone
Guitar, Lead Vocals, and Manager for Doctor Sad Man’s Sad Time Jam Band
Now in its twenty-fifth year!

Bizzy Coy is a writer. She was once chastised by Angela Lansbury and it was all downhill from there.

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