Splitsider

Welcome back! Okay guys, the final hour of coverage underway, comin’ to you live from within the brackish mire! We’ve been getting the scoop from the swarms of cast-off souls assuming their quest to the great unseen, and we are here now with Angelos Constantinou, Angelos, you succumbed to acute lymphoblastic leukemia, but I have to say, you are positively glowing, what is the secret?

…okay, he’s a little dazed, but hey, that’s all right! You know, this is his first trip to the realm of Hades and a lot of times with these rookies on the big night, they get a little nervous, but we’ll let him slide this time!

Dear Valued Customer,

I’m Chet Ricker, senior marketing director for the Poland Springs Bottling Company. Almost 200 years ago my ancestors took a simple idea – Maine’s most delicious water – and turned it into a local business. Boy, we sure have grown since then. We’re now a proud member of the Nestle Waters North America family (a division of Graypool Industrial ChemCorp), but I still think about those early days every time I pick up another bottle of Poland Springs.

Our Heritage is the reason I was so concerned last month when I heard that every single one of our aquifers began producing streams of deadly, deadly poison.

Dear Sir:

We have kidnapped your wife and are willing to return her safely for a reasonable price. You can believe us when we say we have her because we included a lock of her hair. We are not the type of kidnappers to cut off one of her toes or fingers to prove we have her. Just believe us when we say we have kidnapped her and take it as a sign of our sensibility that we only included hair as proof, and not a lot of hair for that matter.

Our opening offer for the return of your wife is thirty thousand dollars, which we feel is [...]

I love pizza. It's as simple as that. Good pizza is like good sex [they both can leave hard to remove stains from your bedsheets!]. And I am lucky enough to live in the pizza capital of the United States: New York City! So I decided to take a tour of some of the best pizzerias in town. Come join me on this delicious journey and let's stain some bedsheets together [strictly pizza related]. Hope it's not too cheesy!!!

Vinny's Pizza — Brooklyn: Vinny Rinaldi makes his mouth watering pies from an old wood-burning brick oven that he's had since 1967. "They don't make ovens like this no more. And that's a [...]

Effective June 4, A Part Thai’d Restaurant has closed its doors for good. We would like to thank our small contingent of customers, as it was an absolute pleasure to serve you our Thai/American fusion cuisine over the last five weeks. We regret this decision, but the bad press and unrelenting protests were just too much to endure.

To those that fiercely protested against us, we have addressed some of your wild accusations:

“You’re an abominable restaurant that advocates racism.” YIKES! This is absolutely 100% NOT true. For the record: we DO NOT support segregating race, just like we do not support segregating flavors. You would know [...]

Alright, is everyone here? We're missing Bobby.

Hey, there he is. Sorry B, Didn't see you there. Hop on up in your dinner chair.

Ok, so I want to thank everyone for taking a few minutes out of your schedules for this promptly called family meeting. It won't take long, I promise.

First off, I just want to say how great you kids have been for the last month. Really great work around the house with your chores. I haven't had to spot-clean Scooter's messes in weeks. Samantha, you've been right on that, and I thank you. It's a real weight off my shoulders. You kids wanted a dog [...]

Archimedes? Sure. Nice kid when he was little. Then he accepted an assortment of internally consistent but morally problematic logical postulates, and the next thing you know, he was running numbers for the local mob. At first it was just the lower primes — 3, 5, sometimes a 7 or an 11 — but pretty soon it was the big ones. You wanted to know if 2^32582657-1 was divisible by anything other than itself and one, Archimedes was the man to see.

And not just rational numbers, either. One time, I remember, the cops wanted to know the last digit of pi, but Archimedes wouldn’t squeal. As far as [...]

Please Join Us as We Celebrate the Bar Mitzvah of Our Son Jacob or Benjamin or Whatever Nosowitz

The Twelfth of June, Two Thousand and Thirty-Two at Nine O’Clock in the Morning, Lunar Standard Time

Services will be held at Temple Beth Israel in the Imbrium Crater, just north of the Carpatus Mountains. Transportation will be provided from New Westchester. Beth Israel provides its own holo-yarmulkes, though of course you are welcome to bring your own if you’d like. The reception will be held immediately following the service at the Imbrium Hilton’s ballroom. The Hilton offers plenty of parking for local rovers as well as a direct magno-rail line [...]

Hey there, whatcha working on? Expense reports? Oh, really they’re due in an hour? Well, I should let you get back to work, I just needed my third cup of coffee — it is 8 a.m., right? You know me, Java Jenny, needs her caffeine fix from the ol’ bean juice. Guilty!

Whew, well this morning was a doozey. Saffron and Gabriel would just not get out of bed! And this is just a never-ending battle with these two; I’ve already gotten four notices about Gabriel’s tardiness. Of course, he doesn’t care; Mr. Man thinks he can just charm his way out of any situation with that killer smile [...]

I have seen countless novelty catalogs, tourist trap gift shops, gag-gift kiosks, and Internet websites sell T-shirts, caps, and coffee mugs that openly mock, belittle, cheapen, and demean me and my profession. I am a public servant who puts his life on the line everyday, and instead of being shown the same respect, kindness, and reverence given freely to policeman, firemen, and members of the military, I am humiliated and forced to constantly defend my job, to explain that it is, in fact, a real thing and a legitimate profession.

My name is Paul Derry, and I am a fully licensed, government-certified Female Body Inspector.

Attention parents of preteens: your child may be on Facebook!

While the popular social networking site’s official policy prohibits children under the age of 13 from registering, studies show that preteens are nevertheless finding clever ways to cheat the system and create illicit profiles. As a parent, it is your duty to carefully monitor your preteen’s Facebook activity until they have reached the age of 13. (Once they have turned 13, your child will possess the maturity and wisdom needed to use the site safely and independently, and the matter will no longer be of your concern.)

Here’s what you need to know: preteens on Facebook use a lot [...]

ATTENTION NEW GLADIATORS!

It is our pleasure to greet you and introduce you to life here at the Coliseum. We know you're all excited to start running around killing literally everything that moves, but before you do we here at the welcoming committee wanted to take a few moments to say hi (hello!) and tell you about how things work here. We promise it won't be TOO boring.

Small detail to get out of the way: for those of you who were brought here as slaves, prisoners of war ripped away from your families to serve as fresh meat for a bloodthirsty Roman Empire whose soul died long ago, [...]

TODAY is my last day in the Human Centipede. After almost 12 hours in the project, first in the front, then in the middle – I believe I have helped form it long enough to understand the trajectory of its poop. And I can honestly say that that poop is as toxic and disgusting as, well, poop.

To put the problem in the simplest terms, the nutritional interests of the Centipede’s members continue to be sidelined in the interest of sustaining the maniacal Dr. Josef Heiter’s erection. The Human Centipede is one of the world’s largest and onliest experiments in homo-entomology, and is too integral to science to continue [...]

The perfect 2-Bedroom* apartment is now available in that hip neighborhood, next to that bridge, that allll your friends just moved to!!!

Only $ 1000 $ More than it should be!!!

Exposed brick & A (non-working) fireplace that could easily fit a record player!!! Or – Trader Joe’s wine rack!!!

STEPzz from the subway that you and all the other “new media consultants” take to ur loft-style offices by that other bridge!!!

You won’t be the only iPad!!!!