An Excerpt from ‘Hey, U Up? (For a Serious Relationship): How to Turn Your Booty Call into Your Emergency Contact,’ by Emily Axford and Brian Murphy

I’ll Be Holding a Red Rose, by Lucas Gardner

An Excerpt from ‘TITLE 13,’ by Michael A. Ferro

A Celebrity Profile That’s Only Descriptions of What They Were Wearing, If That’s Really All You Want, You Animals, by Jeff Wucher

So I Prefer a More Form-Fitting, European Cut on My Tailored Outerwear. What’s The Big Deal? by Coleman Larkin

You Hit the Paywall, You Stupid F***ing Idiot, by Brian Agler

Inky’s Letter, by Barbara Holm

How to Stay Friends Once Your Girlfriends Settle Down with Their Pet Rocks, by Ginny Hogan

Wonka, Inc. Quarterly Report, by Patrick Muncie

I Have Created the World’s First Top Hat; All You Small-Hatted Dullards Shall Now Quake Beneath My Boot, by Dan Caprera

Everything Leaving Netflix in January 2018, by Keaton Patti

Sweatshop Kidz Got Talent, by Bizzy Coy

KRAMER (on Behalf of Herself and All Others Similarly Situated) vs. KRINGLE, by Lauren Krueger & Matthew David Brozik

UNZIPits: The Pants That Were Designed to Be Left Unzipped, by Sarah Hutto

How to Be Good at Comedy, by Johnny G: Comedian and Owner of House of Yuks, Canton Ohio’s #1 Choice for Comedy, by Luke Schneider

Help, I’m Bobby Brown and I’m Stuck in This VHS Copy of ‘A Goofy Movie,’ by Bill Reick

See Fewer Posts Like This, by Liz Arcury

Another Email About the Tax Brochure from “Jazz Guy” at Work, by Jeffrey Palms

I’m So Sorry My Panic Room Is Such a Mess, by Ben Hargrave

A Pairing Menu for Works of Postmodern Literature and Appropriate Beverages, by Michael A. Ferro