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The Humor Section

Put Me in the Game, by Gilbert Shi

by | February 4th, 2013

Coach! Time’s running out. You gotta put me in the game, coach. I’m not exactly sure what sport we’re playing here, but coach, please, put me in the game.

Are we playing basketball? I think this is basketball. I’ve got a good basketball-y feeling about this. We’re definitely playing some b-ball here. Right? Listen coach, let me play in the b-ball competition. Trust me, I won’t let you down. If we’re on defense, I’ll block the shot or punt the ball or whatever. That is, if we are on defense. I’m not entirely clear on that. If we happen to be on offense, I can make the three-pointer that [...]

The Humor Section

A Reasonable Man, by Christopher Mah

by | November 12th, 2012

Everyone knows that our country is more divided than ever, even more divided than the era when colored people were not treated with the perfect equality they are afforded today. Some say the media is to blame, others point to economic disparity, and most everyone would agree that immigrants certainly aren’t helping. Whatever the case, we could heal our divisions and come together to solve our nation’s crises if only everyone would be more like me.

You see, I am a reasonable man. I am always willing to engage in thoughtful, respectful conversation with anyone who disagrees with me. But unfortunately, everyone I meet who disagrees with me is [...]

The Humor Section

Welcome to Milton Honors!, by Ryan R. Jordan

by | October 9th, 2012

Dear Sir or Madam:

Welcome to Milton Honors! You are now a member of one of the hospitality industry’s ranked rewards programs!

As a Milton Honors member, you are entitled to several perks at our over-three Milton Hotels locations nationwide! Skip the lines, and enjoy express check-in at most of our Milton Hotels, with our flagship Phoenix location being the one exception, as we have only one person, Henry, who is trained to work the Milton Honors system, and he is often on break.

Late checkout is also available to Milton Honors members, though not exclusively, since any Milton Hotels guest may request late checkout, contingent on proper advance [...]

The Humor Section

FAQs for Jocasta's Christening, by Caitlin Kunkel

by | August 20th, 2012

Will there be alcohol at the christening?

As many of you know, it is not recommended that babies drink alcohol, even at special occasions like a christening. I know I invited some “mommies who party,” but we wouldn’t want any babies getting boozy from breast milk! For this reason, and your lack of self control, there will be no alcohol present.

What should I wear to the ceremony?

You should be able to refer back to page 3 of your invitation for this information (if you lost it, you owe me $11/each), but here it is again – we are all wearing NAVY with SANSKRIT accents for the ceremony (at the convention center), and [...]

The Humor Section

Wait 'Til You Taste This Next Orange Juice, by Ryan Abbott

by | July 30th, 2012

You’ve mastered wine and you’ve cupped coffee, but have you experienced the latest craze to tantalize the taste buds of the world’s gastronomic gurus? Here’s your introduction to the rarified world of orange juice tasting.

The next orange juice we're going to taste will change the way you think about orange juice. It is handcrafted by a boutique grove a hundred miles southwest of Orlando, a family-run enterprise that has been among the top juicers for generations. The family does everything: they plant, they prune, they pick, they stab a straw into each perfect sun-kissed specimen then hand squeeze until the sweet pulpy nectar flows, filling American-made stainless steel [...]

The Humor Section

My Anxiety Sends a Letter, by Andi Sharavsky

by | January 28th, 2013

Dear Ms. Sharavsky,

It has been brought to my attention that at exactly 11:03 pm, after calling your mother, moisturizing your face, and paying your monthly student loan bill, you folded the final item of your clean laundry. You have therefore temporarily exhausted your list of mundane tasks and concerns, and are undoubtedly eager for a restful night of sleep. Instead, please choose one of the following irrational fears and allow it to consume you. Please keep in mind that you will not be reimbursed for the cost of counseling or marijuana, and your roommates have issued a formal statement that checking you for swollen glands makes them feel [...]

The Humor Section

Poker Face, by David Waghalter

by | November 5th, 2012

She was the most unreadable player I had ever faced across a table. Whether clutching a winning hand or merely bluffing, her demeanor never changed. This is not to say that she was the stony, expressionless type – far from it. Her face was almost always stretched into an open-mouthed smile, telegraphing her glee and unbridled joie de vivre, but also allowing drool to leak out onto the table, her cards, her chips. Her constant babbling and chirping was distracting to some, strangely comforting to others. I never knew her name, but the falsetto voices emanating from the dim, smoky expanse beyond the game addressed her as "Good Girl," [...]

The Humor Section

Dear Highlights Forum, by Pat Feehan

by | September 17th, 2012

Dear Highlights Forum,

Melissa and I had been eating our snacks together during recess for two weeks. Sometimes we would share our snacks or she would trade me potato chips for some of my gummy snacks. Melissa is cute for a girl. She has pigtails and carries a Barbie and Ken lunch pail. We hadn’t done anything serious yet, only going down slides and pushing each other on the swing set. I was perfectly content with the pace of Melissa and my relationship, and I thought she was too.

When it gets really sunny outside, our kindergarten class is allowed to have an extra long recess so we don’t get [...]

The Humor Section

Conjoined Twins, by Alex Pearson

by | August 13th, 2012

People are generally fascinated by the concept of conjoined twins, yet rarely do any of these people actually ever know any conjoined twins personally. I, on the other hand, actually do know conjoined twins, and while I am fascinated with them as individuals, the general concept of conjoined twins bores me. So yes, I know two conjoined twins, but no, they are not the only thing I ever want to talk about. You might ask how I came to know a pair of conjoined twins, and while I would prefer to talk about something more interesting, I would have to answer by correcting you: I never said I know a pair of conjoined [...]

The Humor Section

How Dare You Suggest That I've Forgotten Our Teenage Son's Name, by Sam Weiner

by | July 23rd, 2012

That's quite an accusation, Marianne! To imply that I have up and forgotten my own son's name! Well, you sure have some nerve! To think I can't remember…

…

…his name.

No, I'm not going to say it right now! That would only give merit to this insulting line of questioning!

The Humor Section

Don't Even Think About It, by Alex Pearson

by | November 26th, 2012

Don’t even think about it. I would not sleep with you if we were the last two people on Earth.

Don’t even think about it. While I would feign interest in sleeping with you if we were two of the exactly last three people on Earth, that is just a tactic to sleep with the other last person on Earth and nothing more.

Now, if you and I were two of the last four or more people on Earth, I would not even feign interest in sleeping with you, because in those circumstances, I could feign interest in sleeping with one of the other people as a tactic of [...]

The Humor Section

Ask a High School Couple, by Ryan Krebs and Caitlin Kunkel

by | October 22nd, 2012

Note from the Editor: It is with great regret that we were forced to lay off our 20-plus year advice columnist, Ann O’Grady, last week (sorry again, Annie). To keep operating costs at a minimum, we’ve opened up our advice section to my son and his girlfriend. They will work for free and it counts as an extracurricular at Truman High. So, please welcome juniors Matt Tearson and Rachel Winkle to The Daily Star! Let’s see what sage advice they have for our readers:

Dear Matt and Rachel,

Four months ago, my husband lost his job in Human Resources and our family is now trying to survive [...]

The Humor Section

My Heroes, Daydreamt, by Daniel Moraff

by | September 4th, 2012

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT: It's midnight at the temporary UN headquarters on Long Island. Eleanor and I are, at last, alone, straining to develop some sort of framework for a world that has flung itself to pieces. She knows my zeal for international law, my passion for human rights, but she does not know my true passion: Eleanor Roosevelt's aging body. I meet her gaze, and lean forward, determined to hide no more. "I've got it," shouts Eleanor suddenly. "Only an international declaration of human rights will ensure that the UN remains committed to the best values of its constituent peoples." She kisses me on the cheek and runs out of [...]

The Humor Section

Got A Minute?, by Ryan Krebs

by | August 6th, 2012

Hi, God. Bernie Turkingham. Duh, you know that. You got a minute? Great, thanks.

I'm gonna tell it like it is: I think you're doing a bang-up job. This world's what, a few hundred years old, and you're still running a tight ship … Millions? Wow, I was way off. Point is, you've got a great business model that's working for Earth, and I salute you for that.

And that's to say nothing of Heaven. I mean, this place, just, wow. This place is amazing. They weren't lying, everything's better up here. You have an entire TV channel dedicated to old “Head of the Class” episodes! I had Boston [...]

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