Terry is not the author, nor is he a reference to the author.
Terry is not any one of the author’s friends, a person who considers themselves a friend of the author, lost love, personal trainer, or you, Greg, so stop asking.
Terry’s name is not to be broken apart to find a hidden message, as the word “Retry” has no relation to the author other than his failed Candy Crush level.
Terry’s name is not an acronym or initialism, although both he and the author know the difference, and will bring it up in conversation.
Terry is 27 years old, which is too young to be a reminder of lost [...]
Alright guys, team meeting. Let's make this quick, 'cause we've got some fucking strobe lights to sell.
Listen, I can't be here to manage this Spencer's Gifts all the time, and I need you guys to be able to run things on your own when I'm not around. Quite frankly, this staff ain't up to par right now. Most of you come in late and leave early. Maybe you think I'm not able to see you coming and going when the fog machine is running inside the store, but I've been working in this store for four years and I can basically see right through the fog now.
Thanks for coming to the unveiling of the new Pepperton family coat of arms, the updated representation of our clan’s history and values. I have personally designed it to both carry on the ancient tradition of our name and account for our place in the modern world.
Back in the old country, heraldic devices helped us promote our family’s brand. The area peasants needed to be able to easily tell who was winning the jousts or commandeering their stocks of grain. Now we can use it for things like family reunion T-shirts, or as a logo for Pepperton Appliances, once a regional retail giant, now a front for Uncle [...]
Mom, Dad, I feel like it's finally time for me to come clean about my latest project. You remember that $20,000 you loaned me six months ago? Well, it wasn't for "paying off gambling debt" like I claimed. The money actually financed a studio-quality recording in which I mercilessly rip the both of you to shreds over sonic layers of flawlessly-mixed hip-hop. In the music community, we call this a "diss track."
Before you rush to judgment, let me just say that this isn't about you. Not entirely, at least. I also recorded diss tracks to my landlord, my former landlords, some guy at Dairy Queen who [...]
You’ve probably been told it before, sometime in your childhood: “Buster (or any other dumb, thoughtless dog name) had to go to a farm upstate. Don’t cry. He’ll have plenty of room to run around in the fresh air. He’s in a better place now.” By now you’ve realized that was a lie. This probably made you question lots of things your parents told you. Will you really grow big and strong if you eat your vegetables? Do they actually love you? Will we really get there when we get there? The truth is that anything your parents told you was, in some way, a lie.
But I’m here [...]