Splitsider

 

Upcoming Obstacle Races, by Alex Pearson

Mark your calendars, runners. Don’t miss out on the newest, most challenging, and inventive races yet.

The Urban Obstacler: Running eight miles is hard enough, but now throw in simulated real-life automobile traffic, startled pedestrians, furious outdoor vendors, unfazed homeless people, and a completely unmarked course. And while we don’t have actors dressed up as zombies chasing you, watch out for our very convincing police officers trying to stop you to ask about permits. Just remember, no matter what happens, don’t give them any information about to whom you paid your entry fee. That is automatic disqualification!

The Quicksand Scamper: 200 of the area’s most adventurous runners; 10 kilometers of [...]

Congratulations on Purchasing a Katana, by Spencer Ham

Your sword was personally forged by Akio Taguchi in the village of Tobishima. Enclosed you will find the certificate of authenticity. Now that you own a katana, there are certain traditions you must upkeep. Below is a list of the rules you are required to follow:

• You must have a ponytail. “But what if I’m balding in the front?” Especially if you’re balding in the front.

• You must display your katana on top of a leaning bookshelf located next to a glow-in-the-dark dragon poster.

• You must have a pre-approved katana-owner name. Please refer to the attached list of accepted names, which includes, but is not limited [...]

Welcome to My Football Party, by Patrick Walczy

Hey, Jeff! Come on in! You’re just in time, man, the game’s about to start. By the way, how do we know when the game’s about to start? I’m messing with you, bro. I know it’s when that little guy makes the kickoff. So glad the wives suggested this while they do their Sunday shopping. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Sunday shopping, but bro time is important too, and that’s according to a recent study at Princeton’s Behavioral Science Institute. Looks like you could use a cold one. Here you go. It’s a kale smoothie with four scoops of protein powder. Gameday? More like Gamewhey, mother [...]

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Cooperstown Slut, by Liz Arcury

“Fifteen dollars? Come on, Nance, there are dozens of other stores in the mall that sell candles. Don’t settle on this one just yet,” Bess Marvin assured Nancy Drew, as they, along with George Fayne, Bess’s cousin, strolled through the River Heights Mall. The three teenage friends were out for a shopping day to relieve some stress. Their academic and work lives were fine, but Nancy insisted that they take a day to decompress after a run-in with that outright whore from Cooperstown at Ned Nickerson’s party last Friday night.

The girl, Carmen, was around their age and also a total slut. Nancy had learned from past cases to [...]

A Bit of Clarification on Your 'Bad Dudes' Mission, by Ben Godar

We want to clarify the mission we laid out in our first transmission, which consisted only of:

“The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a Bad enough Dude to rescue the President?”

In hindsight, that probably raised more questions than it answered. But as you might imagine, things are pretty intense around here, what with The President having been kidnapped by ninjas and all. Let me provide more details and hopefully clarify the operation you are about to undertake.

Your mission will consist of walking in a straight line from left to right, defeating any enemies you encounter along the way. Satellite surveillance suggests that often you [...]

Postmodern Love, by Erin Somers

The writer Erin Somers sits down to write a "Modern Love" column1. The subject is the truncated, never-realized dalliance between herself and D.2 The convention of masking identities in essayistic, first person writing with a single initial serves the dual purposes of protecting the privacy of the party under discussion and lending an illusion of truth to the narrative. Behold: a story so painful, so juicy, so heartrendingly true that the author feels uneasy disclosing real names. That the author feels driven by basic human decency to shield the individual (whom she has rendered in maybe not-so-flattering prose, but for whom she still maintains lingering affection) from potential violence on the part of her readership who may [...]

Mattress World Commercial, by Blythe Roberson

When you walk into a conventional mattress store, it’s really not about you. It’s about, here are our mattresses, would you like to buy one?

At our store, it’s all about you. What is your favorite book? Who is your celebrity crush? Put your iPod on shuffle: What are the first six songs that come up?

Don’t look at our mattresses yet!  You’ve had a rough day, you need to de-stress. Sit down for a massage. Wow, those hands are magic! Is that a masseuse? No, it’s Gary, the guy who delivers our mattresses.

Are you hungry? Here’s some celery and some chocolate. No, don’t eat the celery. We [...]

Foolproof 'Missed Connections' Posts, by Jesse Porter

You: early '30s, driving a blue Civic, failing to notice the light turn green at 4th and Main this morning and consequently being honked at by a black BMW. Me: the guy behind you, driving a really sweet black BMW. Sorry about the tailgating, the yelling, and the repeated flashing of the optional HID xenon headlamps. My trip to work had been super annoying up to that point (I was in a text fight with my ex, and I’d just spilled my beer), but my mood improved the moment I accelerated past you and noticed how gorgeous you are. You’ve got beautiful eyes, beautiful hair, even beautiful fingers—an assumption I’m basing [...]

The Apple Orchard Kids, by Caitlin Kean

I tried to tell them that we were too old to go apple-picking, but did they listen? No. They made me pack up that Sunday and head out to old Whitmore Farm like we were in one of those subway ads for ZipCar featuring all of those beautiful, multi-ethnic friends. And did I complain when the weather dramatically changed the second we got there and a bunch of ominous clouds rolled in? You bet I did. And I rolled my eyes at the “prize-winning” pumpkin patch, barely stifled a yawn at the cider press, and washed my hands disdainfully after the petting zoo.

Oh what, was that free apple doughnut [...]

Derek For Boyfriend, 2013: Test Slogans, by Grant Catton

This November, when you go to the polls, vote Derek Ferguson for Boyfriend. Derek is a young man who…

Knows the local IPAs.

Agrees that big weddings are outdated.

Always has cutting-edge facial hair.

Will go to brunch with you and all your friends…even when he’s super hungover.

Owns and often uses a typewriter…to write actual letters.

Reads all the right pop-culture blogs…but not before you do.

Jane Austen Responds to Spam, by Daniel Hurwitz

Subject: GOOD NEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU!! From: David david@freeipad.org To: Jane Austen

Hi Friend!

OH MY GOSH! I know I shouldn't talk about this here, but I thought I would message you from my new APPLE iPad that I just got for free. Don't tell anyone but there is a website sending out a free iPad to anyone that signs up, www.freeipad.info. That is where I got mine btw follow these steps exactly to get one for yourself, go to www.freeipad.info enter you email, enter your shipping address and wait 3-5 business days to receive your it in the mail! it works!!

David.

Subject: Re: GOOD NEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU!! From: Jane [...]

A Note From the Principal About the Myths of Santa Claus and Democracy, by Ben Godar

Dear Teachers and Staff,

It's that time of year when students begin asking questions about Santa Claus. Some are believers, some are doubters, and when they come together…watch out! My suggestion is to treat the idea of Santa much like you would the idea of our democracy—a pleasing notion that some take comfort in (even if it's not real!).

Students will bring in all kinds of legends from their families.  Some will believe Santa carries a magic key that unlocks any door. Others will believe elections represent the will of the people. It's important not to question these obviously fraudulent ideas and let their parents decide when they are [...]

These Disappointing Times, by Tim Sampson

Living in this modern age is pretty great. For crying out loud, just look at all the wondrous technology that exists all around us. You can chat with your sister in Vermont while jetting off to Hong Kong at 500 miles per hour. We've got these marvelous little smartphones in our pockets that let us access a pool of knowledge too vast for any one person to consume in a lifetime. Heck, even as I write this, we've got little man-made robots roaming around on the surface of Mars. Mars, for pete's sake!

So don't for an instant think I'm not grateful to be living in the year 2013. [...]

Comments That a Professor Wrote in the Margins of One of My Essays, by Ryan Max Riley

• History is a construct, an invention of scholars really, so here I’d put instead of history: events in the so-called past.

• I think it’s fairly certain that primitive people were scared of the sun. You can go ahead and state this boldly.

• By the way, are you dating Jennifer, from class? Remember that the emergence of monogamy was a medieval legal convenience.

• This passage seems to have been written by a smarter person. This is not intended as criticism.

• This reminds me of the mapping of 17th-century Tokyo.