Splitsider

 

Quotes from Lori's Goodbye Card on Her Last Day at Paramount Diagnostics, by Ryan Krebs

“All the best!” – Mike, Sales

“Lori, you’ll be missed! Who am I going to high-five when the Molson Files are done every Wednesday??? HA!” – Linda, Billing

“Seems like just yesterday you sat down across from me at your cubicle, ready to start in the high-stakes world of Customer Service. Look at you now! Big time! Congrats on the promotion and don’t forget about us little people!” –Barb, Customer Service

“Way to go!” –Dennis, Maintenance

“Sad to see you go! (But not sad for the going away party! We love cake, and don’t you know it! Of course you do! Karen’s 45th birthday ring a bell??? )” – [...]

The Siren's Song Of Pie, by Sam Pasternack

Hey there, big boy. You look hungry.

Very hungry.

Don’t be troubled by my appearance. I know I may look like the white smoke that rises when a new Pope is chosen. But honey, I ain’t no saint.

I am the scent of pie. And we’re going to have some fun, aren’t we?

You seem nervous. Let me swirl around your body for a moment. Yeah, just like that. You can make some room for a sweet, delicious pie. I know you can.

Still ill at ease, aren’t you? Here, let me show you that we’re not so different, you and I. See? I can form a hand. A [...]

How Are We Supposed to Get Away from These Mobsters in the Midst of a Chinese New Year Parade? by Tim Sampson

Perfect! Just perfect! And here I thought we were finally in the clear. After all, we managed to escape from that abandoned warehouse and outrun those Mafia goons for 16 blocks. But just when it seemed like our getaway was assured, we run right smack dab into the middle of this massive Chinese New Year Parade.

How the heck are we supposed to find a way out of here?

I mean, can you believe our luck? Like we didn't have it hard enough already today, untying ourselves from those chairs and climbing through that air duct. Now we're standing in the middle of Chinatown amidst a massive street festival [...]

Upcoming Obstacle Races, by Alex Pearson

Mark your calendars, runners. Don’t miss out on the newest, most challenging, and inventive races yet.

The Urban Obstacler: Running eight miles is hard enough, but now throw in simulated real-life automobile traffic, startled pedestrians, furious outdoor vendors, unfazed homeless people, and a completely unmarked course. And while we don’t have actors dressed up as zombies chasing you, watch out for our very convincing police officers trying to stop you to ask about permits. Just remember, no matter what happens, don’t give them any information about to whom you paid your entry fee. That is automatic disqualification!

The Quicksand Scamper: 200 of the area’s most adventurous runners; 10 kilometers of [...]

Congratulations on Purchasing a Katana, by Spencer Ham

Your sword was personally forged by Akio Taguchi in the village of Tobishima. Enclosed you will find the certificate of authenticity. Now that you own a katana, there are certain traditions you must upkeep. Below is a list of the rules you are required to follow:

• You must have a ponytail. “But what if I’m balding in the front?” Especially if you’re balding in the front.

• You must display your katana on top of a leaning bookshelf located next to a glow-in-the-dark dragon poster.

• You must have a pre-approved katana-owner name. Please refer to the attached list of accepted names, which includes, but is not limited [...]

FAQ: Common Misconceptions About the Fire Department, by Brian Agler and Luke Burns

Q: So what exactly is this “fire department”? I’ve heard a lot about it and I’m not sure it’s right for me.

A: The fire department is an organization that puts out fires. If your house is on fire, you should call the fire department.

 

Q: It sounds like the fire department starts fires. Are you sure the fire department doesn’t bring fire to my house? The last thing I need is someone coming here and giving me fire.

A: Despite the name, the fire department actually removes fire from your home. Think of it as an “anti-fire department” if that makes it easier. Rest assured, the fire department [...]

A Letter from the Biggest, Meanest-Looking Guy in the Prison Yard, by Erik Voss

GEORGIA DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS – EAST DIVISION D-39 INMATE No. 57073

Welcome, new inmates!

On your first day in this state correctional facility, you’re likely to feel a great deal of pressure to prove yourself quickly. New inmates typically assume that if they don’t immediately earn the acceptance of, say, the Aryan Brotherhood, Mara Salvatrucha, or the Al-Qaeda Alumni Network, they’ll most certainly spend the rest of their sentences getting gang-raped in the showers.

It’s like high school all over again!

That said, coming from the biggest, meanest-looking guy in the prison yard, please, don’t walk up and punch me in the face.

I get it. You’re trying to [...]

Late Twenties Game Night! by Django Gold

Hey there, late twenty-somethings! Looking for a way to spend your wide-open weekend nights? Nothing else to do besides hit up that tired old bar scene that apparently none of your responsible, newly career-driven friends are into anymore? Then it's time for Late Twenties Game Night, the hot new craze of staying in and playing an unending series of board and card games that's sweeping every tastefully decorated townhouse in the nation!

That's right: fucking board and card games! That profoundly unsatisfying diversion you used to resort to at your grandmother's house because there was nothing else to do is now something in which your friends appear to take [...]

Postmodern Love, by Erin Somers

The writer Erin Somers sits down to write a "Modern Love" column1. The subject is the truncated, never-realized dalliance between herself and D.2 The convention of masking identities in essayistic, first person writing with a single initial serves the dual purposes of protecting the privacy of the party under discussion and lending an illusion of truth to the narrative. Behold: a story so painful, so juicy, so heartrendingly true that the author feels uneasy disclosing real names. That the author feels driven by basic human decency to shield the individual (whom she has rendered in maybe not-so-flattering prose, but for whom she still maintains lingering affection) from potential violence on the part of her readership who may [...]

Mattress World Commercial, by Blythe Roberson

When you walk into a conventional mattress store, it’s really not about you. It’s about, here are our mattresses, would you like to buy one?

At our store, it’s all about you. What is your favorite book? Who is your celebrity crush? Put your iPod on shuffle: What are the first six songs that come up?

Don’t look at our mattresses yet!  You’ve had a rough day, you need to de-stress. Sit down for a massage. Wow, those hands are magic! Is that a masseuse? No, it’s Gary, the guy who delivers our mattresses.

Are you hungry? Here’s some celery and some chocolate. No, don’t eat the celery. We [...]

Butterfly Tour, by Blythe Roberson

Hello Butterfly Enthusiasts! Welcome to Butterfly Landing. Please be sure to close the first door of the lock chamber before opening the second. Don’t let any butterflies out, and don’t let any moths in!

Butterflies are awake during the day, which is just one of the many ways butterflies are like humans (smart, cool) and unlike moths (just the true worst). Butterflies develop symbiotic relationships, or “best friendships forever,” with ants. A natural defense mechanism common in butterflies is, when threatened, repeating what the other butterfly said in a dumb moth voice.

Butterflies and their delicate beauty are a symbol for the soul in Western literature. Moth larvae eat [...]

How I Will Become a Better Boyfriend, by Ronald Dario

I wanted to show you that I’m serious about making more of an effort to be a better boyfriend, so I thought about it carefully and came up with some personal goals. I know we have been having problems lately, but I wholeheartedly believe that if I follow through with each one of these, I will become a better person. I want to be the kind of boyfriend that an amazing person like you deserves!

1. I will sign up for those cooking lessons we read about.

2. I will start running again.

3. I will get rid of at least 80% of the Tupac-related content on my computer. [...]

Literary Birth Complications, by Dan Rozier

A Huckleberry Fin

Good News: It’s a boy!

Bad News: It’s a boy with a full-grown killer whale dorsal fin.

Humbert Humbert’s Disease Disease

Good News: Twins!

Bad News: One twin was born much, much older than the other.

Reverse Rapunzel Condition 

Good News: Your child wasn’t taken away and raised by a witch.

Bad News: You're the proud parents of a completely hairless, basement dwelling, 25-year-old male.

Jane Austen Responds to Spam, by Daniel Hurwitz

Subject: GOOD NEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU!! From: David david@freeipad.org To: Jane Austen

Hi Friend!

OH MY GOSH! I know I shouldn't talk about this here, but I thought I would message you from my new APPLE iPad that I just got for free. Don't tell anyone but there is a website sending out a free iPad to anyone that signs up, www.freeipad.info. That is where I got mine btw follow these steps exactly to get one for yourself, go to www.freeipad.info enter you email, enter your shipping address and wait 3-5 business days to receive your it in the mail! it works!!

David.

Subject: Re: GOOD NEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU!! From: Jane [...]