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The Humor Section

How Dare You Suggest That I've Forgotten Our Teenage Son's Name, by Sam Weiner

by | July 23rd, 2012

That's quite an accusation, Marianne! To imply that I have up and forgotten my own son's name! Well, you sure have some nerve! To think I can't remember…

…

…his name.

No, I'm not going to say it right now! That would only give merit to this insulting line of questioning!

The Humor Section

Abraham Lincoln Elementary First Grade Play Disappoints by Leonardo van Schmuten, by Anthony Coro

by | June 18th, 2012

On Monday afternoon, 80 first graders at Abraham Lincoln Elementary School took the stage to present "Go Fish!" The one-act play, directed by music teacher Lisa Rennell, boasted five songs and an audience participation element, but its true accomplishment may be that it was the single worst performance I have had the misfortune of sitting through in my 34 years as Arts Critic for The Jonesborough Dispatch.

There were plenty of ominous indications before the play even began that this would be a catastrophe. I was willing to look past the cheap set made out of construction paper, and even the lazy t-shirt and shorts costumes that were totally [...]

The Humor Section

Raised By Wolves, by Lauren Dowling

by | May 29th, 2012

“You know, I’m cursed with morals. I was raised a certain way. I wish I wasn’t. I wish I was raised by wolves.” — Carson Daly to Elle magazine

Dear Editor:

It is with the utmost reticence that I write to you today; however, as the leader of the wolf community, your recent issue has left me no recourse. Throughout history, the canis lupus community has shrouded its behavior in utmost secrecy, but I simply cannot allow Mr. Daly’s comments – or your careless publication of such slander – to go uncontested. Mr. Daly would have done well to be raised by wolves.

I wonder, did it ever occur [...]

The Humor Section

Decoding Your Preteen's Facebook Acronyms: What You Need to Know, by Charlie Nadler

by | April 30th, 2012

Attention parents of preteens: your child may be on Facebook!

While the popular social networking site’s official policy prohibits children under the age of 13 from registering, studies show that preteens are nevertheless finding clever ways to cheat the system and create illicit profiles. As a parent, it is your duty to carefully monitor your preteen’s Facebook activity until they have reached the age of 13. (Once they have turned 13, your child will possess the maturity and wisdom needed to use the site safely and independently, and the matter will no longer be of your concern.)

Here’s what you need to know: preteens on Facebook use a lot [...]

The Humor Section

A Welcome Bulletin, by Luke Gordon Field

by | April 9th, 2012

ATTENTION NEW GLADIATORS!

It is our pleasure to greet you and introduce you to life here at the Coliseum. We know you're all excited to start running around killing literally everything that moves, but before you do we here at the welcoming committee wanted to take a few moments to say hi (hello!) and tell you about how things work here. We promise it won't be TOO boring.

Small detail to get out of the way: for those of you who were brought here as slaves, prisoners of war ripped away from your families to serve as fresh meat for a bloodthirsty Roman Empire whose soul died long ago, [...]

The Humor Section

MovieZoom, by Molly Schoemann

by | July 16th, 2012

From:  List@MovieZoom.com Date:  Sunday, 6:54pm Subject:  Welcome to MovieZoom!

Dear Valued MovieZoom Customer,

Thanks for trying our new service! We here at MovieZoom are excited to bring you the hottest new movies at the lowest prices. We know you’ll be pleased with our unbeatable selection and stellar customer service.

Enjoy the Ride! ™ Your Friends at MovieZoom

The Humor Section

Minor Corrections to Our Wedding Invitation, by Sam Weiner

by | June 11th, 2012

Attention Friends and Loved Ones,

Caitlyn and I have been so wrapped up in pre-matrimony madness that, unfortunately, some small typos crept into our recent wedding invitations. We requested the honor of your presence on Friday, August 2nd, but as some eagle-eyed invitees have pointed out, Friday is actually the 3rd! Please re-mark your calendars!

Another small change, Caitlyn broke up with me so the event is no longer a wedding. Nor will Caitlyn be attending. But it is still happening!

You know how these things go. The printer rushes your invitations out the door before you have the chance to proofread every detail or decide as a couple if just a little bit of [...]

The Humor Section

Crossing the River Styx with Your Host Ryan Seacrest, by Robert Hershorn

by | May 21st, 2012

Welcome back! Okay guys, the final hour of coverage underway, comin’ to you live from within the brackish mire! We’ve been getting the scoop from the swarms of cast-off souls assuming their quest to the great unseen, and we are here now with Angelos Constantinou, Angelos, you succumbed to acute lymphoblastic leukemia, but I have to say, you are positively glowing, what is the secret?

…okay, he’s a little dazed, but hey, that’s all right! You know, this is his first trip to the realm of Hades and a lot of times with these rookies on the big night, they get a little nervous, but we’ll let him slide this time!

[...]
The Humor Section

Poland Springs: It’s Poison!, by Daniel McGillivray

by | April 23rd, 2012

Dear Valued Customer,

I’m Chet Ricker, senior marketing director for the Poland Springs Bottling Company. Almost 200 years ago my ancestors took a simple idea – Maine’s most delicious water – and turned it into a local business. Boy, we sure have grown since then. We’re now a proud member of the Nestle Waters North America family (a division of Graypool Industrial ChemCorp), but I still think about those early days every time I pick up another bottle of Poland Springs.

Our Heritage is the reason I was so concerned last month when I heard that every single one of our aquifers began producing streams of deadly, deadly poison.

The Humor Section

We Have Your Wife and Are Willing to Have a Reasonable Negotiation for Her Return, by Pat Feehan

by | April 2nd, 2012

Dear Sir:

We have kidnapped your wife and are willing to return her safely for a reasonable price. You can believe us when we say we have her because we included a lock of her hair. We are not the type of kidnappers to cut off one of her toes or fingers to prove we have her. Just believe us when we say we have kidnapped her and take it as a sign of our sensibility that we only included hair as proof, and not a lot of hair for that matter.

Our opening offer for the return of your wife is thirty thousand dollars, which we feel is [...]

The Humor Section

Welcome to Our Dog Park, by Jonathan Millstein

by | July 9th, 2012

Welcome to our dog park. This land is privately owned, but we open it to the public because we love dogs. Please, read and abide by the rules posted on this sign so that all may continue to enjoy our park.

Waste Our park generates no income and does not receive government funding, so we are unable to provide custodial services. Therefore we ask those who use our park to help us keep it clean by picking up waste quickly and courteously. Note that we do not consider dogs that perish on the premises to be waste. Removing these dogs from the park is expressly forbidden.

Leashes Dogs are [...]

The Humor Section

It's All Been Downhill Since That 'Murphy Brown' Walk-On, by Colin Fisher

by | June 4th, 2012

To say I was, am, and always will be a Murphy Brown fan is an understatement. I prefer "devotee" at least, if not "acolyte." I mean, does someone who's simply a "fan" identify heart and soul with every facet of every character of a show?  Does a "fan" meticulously construct charts on his bedroom wall of the characters' backstories, family trees, and wardrobe tones? Does a "fan" dedicate all of Halloween week to his favorite fictional telejournalist? Sure, the blazer and skirt might be a little tighter, and the scalp under the wig might be a little more bare, but that hasn't slowed me down. No siree.

I still remember [...]

The Humor Section

Landscaping, by Ryan Krebs

by | May 7th, 2012

Alright, is everyone here? We're missing Bobby.

Hey, there he is. Sorry B, Didn't see you there. Hop on up in your dinner chair.

Ok, so I want to thank everyone for taking a few minutes out of your schedules for this promptly called family meeting. It won't take long, I promise.

First off, I just want to say how great you kids have been for the last month. Really great work around the house with your chores. I haven't had to spot-clean Scooter's messes in weeks. Samantha, you've been right on that, and I thank you. It's a real weight off my shoulders. You kids wanted a dog [...]

The Humor Section

Archimedes The Sicilian, by Jacob Sager Weinstein

by | April 16th, 2012

Archimedes? Sure. Nice kid when he was little. Then he accepted an assortment of internally consistent but morally problematic logical postulates, and the next thing you know, he was running numbers for the local mob. At first it was just the lower primes — 3, 5, sometimes a 7 or an 11 — but pretty soon it was the big ones. You wanted to know if 2^32582657-1 was divisible by anything other than itself and one, Archimedes was the man to see.

And not just rational numbers, either. One time, I remember, the cops wanted to know the last digit of pi, but Archimedes wouldn’t squeal. As far as [...]

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