Alex Semmelmeyer is my future husband but since he’s the punter of the football team he’s too busy to know I exist! But that’s OK because here’s what I did today to make him realize I was born and one day he’s going to raise four babies with me:
• I stood outside his Bio class and when he walked out I talked really loudly about Peyton Manning so he would be interested and look in my direction.
• I stuffed notes in his locker that were anonymous but were in my really distinct poetic voice.
• I stood outside his Gov class and talked really loudly about Archie [...]
It’s summer—one of the top two seasons for climate change discussion. Have the blistering heat waves of recent summers been created by man-made global warming? Or have the extreme summer temperatures just been Mother Nature paying off her overdue ice age temperature debt? Well, whatever it is, it is man-made global warming. So what can you as one eco-conscious Asian-American mother of two (just guessing) do to help fight it? Here are some simple tips:
• Avoid smokestacks and children playing in fountains. As anyone who keeps up with the evening news can tell you, fuming smokestacks and children playing in fountains are the first signs that an area is having global [...]
I am writing today to file a petition regarding our miniature golf match last Saturday. Since this is a formal complaint, I’ll be sending a carbon copy to Marty, the clerk at the Pro Shop & Sno Cone Stand who checked us in before our game.
At the end of our match play, you signed a scorecard of 49 strokes, which handily beat my score of 62. But I contend that you committed several infractions that typically incur additional strokes which you did not assign yourself. You should be penalized for the following:
The Mouse Trap (Hole 2, Par 2)
As I entered my backswing, you held [...]
The Schomp family is the most affluent of the Boston Brahmins. The Cushings? Peasants. The Parkmans? Hippie street dwellers. The Lawrences? Don’t get distracted, we’re talking about the Schomps.
It all started in 1640 when John Schomp woke up with a light bulb over his head: get a bunch of free land in America and make cash. First he put the whole light bulb invention in a time capsule — you’re welcome, future. Next he created an Italian alter ego, so no one would figure out he moved to the colonies and steal his idea. Decades later people figured out “Giovanni Schompero” was just a pumpkin and some pillows [...]
Today, we are making Red Velvet Cupcakes with Creamy Vanilla Icing. This old family recipe was brought to America by my great-grammy Eleanor, who probably wouldn’t understand why you are still moping about Jeremy.
• 3 1/2 cups cake flour
• 3/4 cup unsalted butter, softened
• 1 laptop computer, for playing Pandora and refreshing his Facebook profile
• 6 tablespoons red food coloring
• 1 healthy sense of self-restraint (If self-restraint isn’t available, substitute deleting his number from your phone)
• 2 eggs (for cupcakes)
• 2 more eggs (for pondering how only the thinnest of shells protect our yolky, runny insides)
• 2 additional eggs (for [...]