Splitsider

 

How I Will Become a Better Boyfriend, by Ronald Dario

I wanted to show you that I’m serious about making more of an effort to be a better boyfriend, so I thought about it carefully and came up with some personal goals. I know we have been having problems lately, but I wholeheartedly believe that if I follow through with each one of these, I will become a better person. I want to be the kind of boyfriend that an amazing person like you deserves!

1. I will sign up for those cooking lessons we read about.

2. I will start running again.

3. I will get rid of at least 80% of the Tupac-related content on my computer. [...]

Literary Birth Complications, by Dan Rozier

A Huckleberry Fin

Good News: It’s a boy!

Bad News: It’s a boy with a full-grown killer whale dorsal fin.

Humbert Humbert’s Disease Disease

Good News: Twins!

Bad News: One twin was born much, much older than the other.

Reverse Rapunzel Condition 

Good News: Your child wasn’t taken away and raised by a witch.

Bad News: You're the proud parents of a completely hairless, basement dwelling, 25-year-old male.

Jane Austen Responds to Spam, by Daniel Hurwitz

Subject: GOOD NEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU!! From: David david@freeipad.org To: Jane Austen

Hi Friend!

OH MY GOSH! I know I shouldn't talk about this here, but I thought I would message you from my new APPLE iPad that I just got for free. Don't tell anyone but there is a website sending out a free iPad to anyone that signs up, www.freeipad.info. That is where I got mine btw follow these steps exactly to get one for yourself, go to www.freeipad.info enter you email, enter your shipping address and wait 3-5 business days to receive your it in the mail! it works!!

David.

Subject: Re: GOOD NEWS TO SHARE WITH YOU!! From: Jane [...]

A Note From the Principal About the Myths of Santa Claus and Democracy, by Ben Godar

Dear Teachers and Staff,

It's that time of year when students begin asking questions about Santa Claus. Some are believers, some are doubters, and when they come together…watch out! My suggestion is to treat the idea of Santa much like you would the idea of our democracy—a pleasing notion that some take comfort in (even if it's not real!).

Students will bring in all kinds of legends from their families.  Some will believe Santa carries a magic key that unlocks any door. Others will believe elections represent the will of the people. It's important not to question these obviously fraudulent ideas and let their parents decide when they are [...]

These Disappointing Times, by Tim Sampson

Living in this modern age is pretty great. For crying out loud, just look at all the wondrous technology that exists all around us. You can chat with your sister in Vermont while jetting off to Hong Kong at 500 miles per hour. We've got these marvelous little smartphones in our pockets that let us access a pool of knowledge too vast for any one person to consume in a lifetime. Heck, even as I write this, we've got little man-made robots roaming around on the surface of Mars. Mars, for pete's sake!

So don't for an instant think I'm not grateful to be living in the year 2013. [...]

How Are We Supposed to Get Away from These Mobsters in the Midst of a Chinese New Year Parade? by Tim Sampson

Perfect! Just perfect! And here I thought we were finally in the clear. After all, we managed to escape from that abandoned warehouse and outrun those Mafia goons for 16 blocks. But just when it seemed like our getaway was assured, we run right smack dab into the middle of this massive Chinese New Year Parade.

How the heck are we supposed to find a way out of here?

I mean, can you believe our luck? Like we didn't have it hard enough already today, untying ourselves from those chairs and climbing through that air duct. Now we're standing in the middle of Chinatown amidst a massive street festival [...]

Upcoming Obstacle Races, by Alex Pearson

Mark your calendars, runners. Don’t miss out on the newest, most challenging, and inventive races yet.

The Urban Obstacler: Running eight miles is hard enough, but now throw in simulated real-life automobile traffic, startled pedestrians, furious outdoor vendors, unfazed homeless people, and a completely unmarked course. And while we don’t have actors dressed up as zombies chasing you, watch out for our very convincing police officers trying to stop you to ask about permits. Just remember, no matter what happens, don’t give them any information about to whom you paid your entry fee. That is automatic disqualification!

The Quicksand Scamper: 200 of the area’s most adventurous runners; 10 kilometers of [...]

Congratulations on Purchasing a Katana, by Spencer Ham

Your sword was personally forged by Akio Taguchi in the village of Tobishima. Enclosed you will find the certificate of authenticity. Now that you own a katana, there are certain traditions you must upkeep. Below is a list of the rules you are required to follow:

• You must have a ponytail. “But what if I’m balding in the front?” Especially if you’re balding in the front.

• You must display your katana on top of a leaning bookshelf located next to a glow-in-the-dark dragon poster.

• You must have a pre-approved katana-owner name. Please refer to the attached list of accepted names, which includes, but is not limited [...]

Welcome to My Football Party, by Patrick Walczy

Hey, Jeff! Come on in! You’re just in time, man, the game’s about to start. By the way, how do we know when the game’s about to start? I’m messing with you, bro. I know it’s when that little guy makes the kickoff. So glad the wives suggested this while they do their Sunday shopping. Don’t get me wrong, I love me some Sunday shopping, but bro time is important too, and that’s according to a recent study at Princeton’s Behavioral Science Institute. Looks like you could use a cold one. Here you go. It’s a kale smoothie with four scoops of protein powder. Gameday? More like Gamewhey, mother [...]

Nancy Drew and the Case of the Cooperstown Slut, by Liz Arcury

“Fifteen dollars? Come on, Nance, there are dozens of other stores in the mall that sell candles. Don’t settle on this one just yet,” Bess Marvin assured Nancy Drew, as they, along with George Fayne, Bess’s cousin, strolled through the River Heights Mall. The three teenage friends were out for a shopping day to relieve some stress. Their academic and work lives were fine, but Nancy insisted that they take a day to decompress after a run-in with that outright whore from Cooperstown at Ned Nickerson’s party last Friday night.

The girl, Carmen, was around their age and also a total slut. Nancy had learned from past cases to [...]

Late Twenties Game Night! by Django Gold

Hey there, late twenty-somethings! Looking for a way to spend your wide-open weekend nights? Nothing else to do besides hit up that tired old bar scene that apparently none of your responsible, newly career-driven friends are into anymore? Then it's time for Late Twenties Game Night, the hot new craze of staying in and playing an unending series of board and card games that's sweeping every tastefully decorated townhouse in the nation!

That's right: fucking board and card games! That profoundly unsatisfying diversion you used to resort to at your grandmother's house because there was nothing else to do is now something in which your friends appear to take [...]

Postmodern Love, by Erin Somers

The writer Erin Somers sits down to write a "Modern Love" column1. The subject is the truncated, never-realized dalliance between herself and D.2 The convention of masking identities in essayistic, first person writing with a single initial serves the dual purposes of protecting the privacy of the party under discussion and lending an illusion of truth to the narrative. Behold: a story so painful, so juicy, so heartrendingly true that the author feels uneasy disclosing real names. That the author feels driven by basic human decency to shield the individual (whom she has rendered in maybe not-so-flattering prose, but for whom she still maintains lingering affection) from potential violence on the part of her readership who may [...]

Mattress World Commercial, by Blythe Roberson

When you walk into a conventional mattress store, it’s really not about you. It’s about, here are our mattresses, would you like to buy one?

At our store, it’s all about you. What is your favorite book? Who is your celebrity crush? Put your iPod on shuffle: What are the first six songs that come up?

Don’t look at our mattresses yet!  You’ve had a rough day, you need to de-stress. Sit down for a massage. Wow, those hands are magic! Is that a masseuse? No, it’s Gary, the guy who delivers our mattresses.

Are you hungry? Here’s some celery and some chocolate. No, don’t eat the celery. We [...]

Foolproof 'Missed Connections' Posts, by Jesse Porter

You: early '30s, driving a blue Civic, failing to notice the light turn green at 4th and Main this morning and consequently being honked at by a black BMW. Me: the guy behind you, driving a really sweet black BMW. Sorry about the tailgating, the yelling, and the repeated flashing of the optional HID xenon headlamps. My trip to work had been super annoying up to that point (I was in a text fight with my ex, and I’d just spilled my beer), but my mood improved the moment I accelerated past you and noticed how gorgeous you are. You’ve got beautiful eyes, beautiful hair, even beautiful fingers—an assumption I’m basing [...]