Splitsider

 

21st Century Orson Welles (1985-2013), by Joel Straley

On the timeline of an alternate Universe much like our own, Orson Welles did not die on October 10, 1985, but was in fact born for the first time. After a suburban childhood, Welles left to travel Europe. His father’s death left him an inheritance that allowed him to become another trust fund millennial taking up all the good spots in the hostels.

Once returning to the United States, he made a home in a five-bedroom loft in New York City, technically Bushwick. Europe had given him a love a theatre, so as soon as he could he joined a short-form improv group. They specialized in performing Shakespeare but [...]

Letter to the TSA, by Roger Taylor

Dear TSA,

I must take issue with your rules about the transportation of liquids, posted on your website and at airports around the country. As the President, CEO, and CFO of Spivak’s SealSaks, I feel your mention of “Ziploc©” bags, rather than a generic equivalent, creates an undue and unfair competitive advantage.

The TSA does not otherwise show corporate favoritism. The various warnings and decrees issued by your agency do not specifically mention Boeing planes or Delta flights or AirJohn toilets. Why Ziploc©? I feel this arbitrary and inconsiderate decision has much to do with Spivak’s SealSaks currently controlling only .02% of the market (mostly in Walla Walla, where [...]

Jasper Tries to Pass Off 473 Subscriptions to 'Lowrider Magazine,' by Pablo Goldstein

Jasper, step into my office.

Now, I realize the student body has gone a little bonkers over the annual magazine subscription fundraiser. This year we really tried hard to round up some great prizes that would encourage you all to give it the ol’ Robert La Follette Middle School try. But in the rush to sell the most magazines, I'm afraid some students haven't been totally honest.

I’ll get right to the point. Jasper, I don’t think you actually sold 473 subscriptions of Lowrider Magazine.

At first I thought, “Maybe he filled out the form incorrectly. He probably sold 47 subscriptions of the magazine that celebrates the underground scene that rose from the Chicano Movement of the late 1960s, [...]

Your Custom Headstone Does Not Meet Our Standards, by David Guzman

Dear Sir,

Bloomington Cemetery very much appreciates your business, and we are pleased to see clients who have the foresight to plan ahead for their final resting place. With that said, we regret to inform you that the headstone you propose to have at your recently purchased burial plot does not meet our cemetery's standards and regulations. Although we understand the need to individualize your grave marker, we must decline your custom designed headstone because of following reasons:

• We cannot engrave a headstone with five dates of birth for one person.

• The font style you created for your inscriptions, Detroit Sans Serif, is illegible on both paper [...]

It's Like, What Do I Do With This Kid? by Alex Schmidt

Hello! Earth to Kylie! This is your uncle speaking. He knows he's not Justin Bieber or the "Gangnam Style" guy, but he'd like to think he's at least a little "rad."

Your mom left you with me for the day, and this isn't "Uncool-Adult Jail." We can do whatever we want! Come on, you wanna have something to eat? Or something to drink? Or kick around these doll heads?

If it'll get you to make a peep you can go to town on these doll heads.

Hey I get it, okay? When I was 13, all I wanted to do was chase babes, and feather my hair, and listen [...]

A FASTidious Credit Report, by Jake Tuck

Dear Landlord,

We at FASTidious Credit Reporting have reviewed the credit history of your prospective tenant, Glen Hodge, and offer this prompt report. First, we should say that Mr. Hodge has an ostensibly stellar credit history. By the standard scoring method, he received an “excellent” score of 830. He pays all his credit cards and bills on time, save one instance when he was hospitalized after attempting to save an elderly man from a burning house. So his credit is, on the surface, largely immaculate. However, we at FASTidious do not like surface impressions, such as that of the sun in a calm lake; underneath, the lake may contain [...]

An Imagined Monologue By the Disappointed Editor of 'Penthouse Forum,' by Tim Eberle

Mr. Carlson, I assume? Please, come in and have a seat.

Mr. Carlson, although the dictates of modern propriety obligate me to thank you for coming in today, I must assure you that, of the surfeit of emotions your presence has today initiated, gratitude is certainly not among the foremost. Quite the opposite, in fact. You may perhaps be wondering why, then, would I have gone to the considerable trouble of arranging today’s little tete-a-tete, when doing so would be sure to cause me no small degree of aggravation, and would, in fact, cause me to disregard other pursuits of an irrefutably higher necessity and an undeniably greater worth. [...]

High School Crush, by Blythe Roberson

Alex Semmelmeyer is my future husband but since he’s the punter of the football team he’s too busy to know I exist! But that’s OK because here’s what I did today to make him realize I was born and one day he’s going to raise four babies with me:

• I stood outside his Bio class and when he walked out I talked really loudly about Peyton Manning so he would be interested and look in my direction.

• I stuffed notes in his locker that were anonymous but were in my really distinct poetic voice.

• I stood outside his Gov class and talked really loudly about Archie [...]

Tips For Fighting Global Warming, by Alex Pearson

It’s summer—one of the top two seasons for climate change discussion. Have the blistering heat waves of recent summers been created by man-made global warming? Or have the extreme summer temperatures just been Mother Nature paying off her overdue ice age temperature debt? Well, whatever it is, it is man-made global warming. So what can you as one eco-conscious Asian-American mother of two (just guessing) do to help fight it? Here are some simple tips:

Avoid smokestacks and children playing in fountains. As anyone who keeps up with the evening news can tell you, fuming smokestacks and children playing in fountains are the first signs that an area is having global [...]

Miniature Golf Infractions, by John Carroll & Nick Klinger

Dear Trevor,

I am writing today to file a petition regarding our miniature golf match last Saturday. Since this is a formal complaint, I’ll be sending a carbon copy to Marty, the clerk at the Pro Shop & Sno Cone Stand who checked us in before our game.

At the end of our match play, you signed a scorecard of 49 strokes, which handily beat my score of 62. But I contend that you committed several infractions that typically incur additional strokes which you did not assign yourself. You should be penalized for the following:

The Mouse Trap (Hole 2, Par 2)

As I entered my backswing, you held [...]

Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) On Being Repeatedly Mistaken for Actor Tim Roth, by Scott Eckert

It always happens the same way. I'm minding my business when, suddenly, a shout: "Look! It's Tim Roth!!!"

No. For once and for all, no. I am not Tim Roth. I am Senator Mitch McConnell.

I guess Tim Roth and I share a passing resemblance. People say we look alike. But it's starting to get old. Every day it's, "I loved you in Reservoir Dogs!" or, "Boy did you deserve that Best Supporting Actor nomination for Rob Roy!" or, "Dude, you're the British Guy in Pulp Fiction! Honey Bunny Guy!" I'm not. I'm United States Senate Minority Leader Guy. I'm Relentlessly Filibuster Executive and Judicial Appointments Guy.

Even as someone who isn't Tim Roth's [...]

This No Weapons Rumble is a Sham, by David Henne

And how’re brass knuckles out but live-tweeting’s in?

Sharing 140 strategic characters with your preppie chums, in real time? Posting Vines on how to properly full nelson unsuspecting Greasers? Sounds plenty weaponized to me.

Naturally our gang ain’t savvy on Socs media.

Now if MySpace blogging were still permitted, we’d be aces. Ain’t a crew around can beat a Grease blogging. Give us a pack of Lucky Strikes and we’d knock off 200 pages about tough Stingray cruisers and gold n' silver sunsets, no sweat.

Wasn’t long ago you could blog, swing bicycle chains and wield busted pop bottles—all in open-toed shoes. And if your beef was with a [...]

McSweeney’s Cease and Desist, by Jordan Lints

McSweeney’s 849 Valencia St. San Francisco, CA 94110 USA

Sept. 1, 2013

Jordan Lints REDACTED REDACTED USA

Dear Mr. Lints:

We are writing to notify you that McSweeney’s will no longer be accepting any submissions you send for publication on their website, Quarterly magazine, Believer magazine, Wholphin (we don’t think you know what this is), or any other platforms of publication created in the past, present, or future. Accordingly, you are hereby directed to

CEASE AND DESIST ALL SUBMISSIONS TO MCSWEENEY’S

I Can’t Believe We Built That Time Machine and Then Forgot to Kill Hitler, by Matt Crowley

Look guys, I don’t want to come off as a whiner here. You know me, I’m not one to complain unduly. But something’s been on my mind, and I think I owe it to myself and all of you to just get it out in the open. I don’t want to come across as a jerk here, but frankly, I’m peeved. I just can’t believe that we built that time machine and then forgot to kill Hitler.

I have no interest in playing the blame game. I’m not trying to single anyone out; we all could have been more on the ball. Believe me, I understand that having a [...]