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Dating Tips For Twentysomethings In a Nuclear Apocalypse, by Jon Wolper

Dating in your twenties isn't easy. Your friends are coupling up and moving far away. The best guys and girls all seem to be taken. And the nuclear holocaust that has annihilated 97 percent of humanity has also annihilated that cute guy a few miles down the highway. It’s tough!

But your age—and, of course, the ever-present spectre of death—shouldn’t dissuade you from getting out there, meeting new people, and maybe even settling down. Here are a few tips to get you started:

Be assertive It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and no one’s going to wait for you if you’re too shy to strike up a conversation. So [...]

Our Son, The Asshole, by Noell Wolfgram Evans

My wife’s hand found its way to mine; in the corner of the overly lit room our five-year old son was blissfully unaware of cruel trick the fates had played upon him. We were in shock. Tears welled in my eyes as I looked at him enjoying perhaps his last happy moments, ripping the head off of one of the dolls in the bucket of toys that so many doctor’s offices place in the corner of their exam rooms as a way to offer “comprehensive” medical care.

I looked back at the doctor. I could see that her lips were moving but I could hardly discern the words that [...]

Completely Innocent Member of High Society Attends a Fancy Dinner Party, by David Henne

Is there any gathering more decadent than the fancy dinner party? Where else can one discuss fancy issues of the day whilst indulging on the sweet fruits of sophistication, the tenderloins of privilege? Such worry-free fraternization for a truly carefree caste.

The shit was that?

Merely the light bulbs flickering. Certainly no reason for hysterics. After all, a smattering of hard rain never harmed anyone. Unless. Yes, unless

Oh, keep your wits about you, old boy! You’re among society’s elite. What sinister matter would undermine such a function? No sinister matter, that’s what.

Preposterous, to think an act of violence could disrupt a dinner party. It’s precisely what makes the dinner party [...]

Quotes from Lori's Goodbye Card on Her Last Day at Paramount Diagnostics, by Ryan Krebs

“All the best!” – Mike, Sales

“Lori, you’ll be missed! Who am I going to high-five when the Molson Files are done every Wednesday??? HA!” – Linda, Billing

“Seems like just yesterday you sat down across from me at your cubicle, ready to start in the high-stakes world of Customer Service. Look at you now! Big time! Congrats on the promotion and don’t forget about us little people!” –Barb, Customer Service

“Way to go!” –Dennis, Maintenance

“Sad to see you go! (But not sad for the going away party! We love cake, and don’t you know it! Of course you do! Karen’s 45th birthday ring a bell??? )” – [...]

The Siren's Song Of Pie, by Sam Pasternack

Hey there, big boy. You look hungry.

Very hungry.

Don’t be troubled by my appearance. I know I may look like the white smoke that rises when a new Pope is chosen. But honey, I ain’t no saint.

I am the scent of pie. And we’re going to have some fun, aren’t we?

You seem nervous. Let me swirl around your body for a moment. Yeah, just like that. You can make some room for a sweet, delicious pie. I know you can.

Still ill at ease, aren’t you? Here, let me show you that we’re not so different, you and I. See? I can form a hand. A [...]

Ditch Digger University, by Dan Rozier

Listen up! Are you tired of parents, relatives, and friends telling you to apply yourself? Do you want an education that works for you? How's your upper body strength? Are you typically awake at this hour?

Well, what are you waiting for? Get everyone off your back at Ditch Digger University. DDU was established on the belief that education shouldn't only take you further—it should take you wider and deeper, too. We're a premier institution for the modern world where students can learn, grow, and get their hands dirty with real world experience and, more often than not, actual dirt.

At any other university you'd just be a number, a [...]

How to Develop a Thicker Skin, by Andi Sharavsky

As social creatures, we human beings are met with constant criticism and ridicule from friends, enemies, relatives, bosses, strangers, vague acquaintances, everyone at the gym, and, most often, ourselves. The common solution offered to combat these daily emotional digs is to “develop a thicker skin.”

While that’s all well and good metaphorically, it’s also, you know, not a real thing that humans can do. Our hands and feet form calluses after enough time and wear, but we are not equipped with a go-go-gadget feelings fortress to build up our resistance and shut the world out. Plus, if watchingPacific Rim while high taught me anything, it's that when science does eventually develop [...]

The Marshmallow Diaries, by Howard Mittelmark

Day one: Brought to the Stanford campus with other four-year-olds for “tests” starting tomorrow. All very mysterious. Something about marshmallows. Nobody will say what, exactly. Maybe new kind of marshmallow? Even yummier? I resisted the urge to cry when parents left, but some of the other children did not.

Day two: Wild speculation in dorm last night; all of it wrong. Some predicted there would be ponies made of marshmallows, others thought we would live in a marshmallow house. Then one boy, Brad, began laughing and shouting, “Pee marshmallows! Poo marshmallows!” until the discussion fell apart.

This morning, teacher ladies explained. If we do not eat one marshmallow for [...]

FAQ: Common Misconceptions About the Fire Department, by Brian Agler and Luke Burns

Q: So what exactly is this “fire department”? I’ve heard a lot about it and I’m not sure it’s right for me.

A: The fire department is an organization that puts out fires. If your house is on fire, you should call the fire department.

 

Q: It sounds like the fire department starts fires. Are you sure the fire department doesn’t bring fire to my house? The last thing I need is someone coming here and giving me fire.

A: Despite the name, the fire department actually removes fire from your home. Think of it as an “anti-fire department” if that makes it easier. Rest assured, the fire department [...]

A Letter from the Biggest, Meanest-Looking Guy in the Prison Yard, by Erik Voss

GEORGIA DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS – EAST DIVISION D-39 INMATE No. 57073

Welcome, new inmates!

On your first day in this state correctional facility, you’re likely to feel a great deal of pressure to prove yourself quickly. New inmates typically assume that if they don’t immediately earn the acceptance of, say, the Aryan Brotherhood, Mara Salvatrucha, or the Al-Qaeda Alumni Network, they’ll most certainly spend the rest of their sentences getting gang-raped in the showers.

It’s like high school all over again!

That said, coming from the biggest, meanest-looking guy in the prison yard, please, don’t walk up and punch me in the face.

I get it. You’re trying to [...]

Remember When Movies Used To Be Good? by Justin Geldzahler

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I remember when the movies used to mean something.  When you saw a film, it was about something. It said things. Made ya think. About things. Like The Big Chill. Now that was a film. It had laughs, it had tears, and it really said something, you know? You don’t? Well, let me tell you. It was about people, mostly/all white people, and how even if you’re the champions of the world, life can never live up to expectations. Not like that navel-gazing crap you kids have.

I know you Millennials just want to see Thor fight ice Nazis and flirt with his brother, but I prefer [...]

9 Rigorous Ways You Know You Went to School in the '90s, by Zack Bornstein

1. You remember that you did. Memory serves as a bank of perceptual information. Neural stimuli built up throughout years of schooling can provide sufficient evidence that you attended school in the 1990s. This confirmation method can be disregarded in cases of prolonged hypnosis, brainwashing, drug abuse, head trauma, electroconvulsive therapy, neuropsychiatric disease, and/or if you have ever entered an extended fugue state.

2. You are told explicitly by a trusted person. Trusted people could include your parents, siblings, mentors, the President, or a longtime friend. Asking the person to repeat him or herself, or to put the statement in writing reduces the possibility of an auditory hallucination. You [...]

The Songs of Bruce Springsteen, by Liz Arcury

The following are excerpts of reviews of some selected songs of Mr. Bruce Springsteen and The E Street Band.

“4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy),” The Wild, the Innocent & the E Street Shuffle (1973) With this album, Mr. Springsteen is exploring a newer, slower – yet explosive – sonic sexuality that America did not know was coming. After collaborating with various music historians who were active at the time of the album’s release, we have concluded that the second track, “4th of July, Asbury Park (Sandy),” might be based on the non-fictional, existent location on the northern shore of New Jersey known as Asbury Park.

“Badlands," Darkness on [...]

Butterfly Tour, by Blythe Roberson

Hello Butterfly Enthusiasts! Welcome to Butterfly Landing. Please be sure to close the first door of the lock chamber before opening the second. Don’t let any butterflies out, and don’t let any moths in!

Butterflies are awake during the day, which is just one of the many ways butterflies are like humans (smart, cool) and unlike moths (just the true worst). Butterflies develop symbiotic relationships, or “best friendships forever,” with ants. A natural defense mechanism common in butterflies is, when threatened, repeating what the other butterfly said in a dumb moth voice.

Butterflies and their delicate beauty are a symbol for the soul in Western literature. Moth larvae eat [...]