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Posts tagged as David Guzman

The Summer Caretaker at the Overlook Hotel Asks for a Raise, by David Guzman

I first want to say what a pleasure it is to be back as the summer caretaker for the Overlook Hotel. The grand architecture, its beautiful location in the Colorado mountains, the pleasant staff and clientele; it’s truly an honor to work here.

I must be upfront, though, and tell you I’m here to ask for a raise. There are a few factors that come into play. As I understand it, the winter caretaker position pays just as much as the summer position. And that’s just not fair, since the job of summer caretaker requires much more work than that of winter caretaker. In addition, our winter caretakers tend [...]

Your Custom Headstone Does Not Meet Our Standards, by David Guzman

Dear Sir,

Bloomington Cemetery very much appreciates your business, and we are pleased to see clients who have the foresight to plan ahead for their final resting place. With that said, we regret to inform you that the headstone you propose to have at your recently purchased burial plot does not meet our cemetery's standards and regulations. Although we understand the need to individualize your grave marker, we must decline your custom designed headstone because of following reasons:

• We cannot engrave a headstone with five dates of birth for one person.

• The font style you created for your inscriptions, Detroit Sans Serif, is illegible on both paper [...]

How Our Town Is Dealing With the Water Shortage, by David Guzman

Thank you all for coming out today. As you know, since the summer we've faced a serious drought and it's not letting up. As the mayor of Avery, Texas, I'm announcing some tougher measures to conserve water in the area, so please take note.

To start, we're canceling our summer ice sculpture festival. Turns out that doing ice sculptures in West Texas uses up an extreme amount of water. We'll be asking a number of you to discontinue your 24-hour front lawn Slip 'N Slides. And don't just move them to the backyard. Let's see, what else… until further notice, we're closing the town's mile long car wash. Don’t [...]