Splitsider

Posts tagged as death

The Dead Dog Farm Upstate, by Luke Pohjala

You’ve probably been told it before, sometime in your childhood: “Buster (or any other dumb, thoughtless dog name) had to go to a farm upstate. Don’t cry. He’ll have plenty of room to run around in the fresh air. He’s in a better place now.” By now you’ve realized that was a lie. This probably made you question lots of things your parents told you. Will you really grow big and strong if you eat your vegetables? Do they actually love you? Will we really get there when we get there? The truth is that anything your parents told you was, in some way, a lie.

But I’m here [...]

The 'Simpsons' Episode That Kills Off a Character Won't Air Until Fall 2014

Last week, we reported that the writers of The Simpsons are planning to kill off another character on the show, but some more details have come in. It looks like the episode won't be airing until fall of 2014, when it it is tentatively slated to serve as the show's Season 26 premiere. Longtime Simpsons showrunner Al Jean also tells EW that the character in question has appeared on the show more than twice and that the voice actor behind the character doesn't even know yet. Describing the episode, Jean said, "It’s an emotional story. It’s funny.” He adds, "We’ll be putting out a lot of false [...]

A Sad, Slow Laugh Track: The Viewer, The Sitcom and The Funeral

This week's episode of How I Met Your Mother ("Last Words" 1/17/11) brought me to tears, and I loved every minute of it. I am not much of a crier, but when I see characters that I care about who make me laugh from week to week struggle with the emotional loss of a loved one, I get choked up. As the credits rolled and I dabbed my eyes and blew my nose, I thought of the other episodes of sitcoms I have seen dealing with death and the relationship between the viewer, the sitcom, and the funeral.

When a character loses a loved one, the sitcom stretches [...]

This Candlelight Vigil Is In Full Effect!, by Django Gold

Alright! Yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about! Ladies and gentlemen, I heard this candlelight vigil was going to be off the chain, but even I didn't see this one coming. It looks like just about everyone in Bloomdale came out tonight, and I know all you crazy party animals have only got one thing on your minds: finding Caitlin Ashfield and bringing her home safe and sound! Woo!

You know, when I first learned that one of our own had been reported missing, I knew what we had to do for our beloved daughter, sister, friend, and Bloomdale High School classmate: throw the wildest, rowdiest, most ass-kicking candlelight vigil the world has ever seen — and you people did not [...]

Your Custom Headstone Does Not Meet Our Standards, by David Guzman

Dear Sir,

Bloomington Cemetery very much appreciates your business, and we are pleased to see clients who have the foresight to plan ahead for their final resting place. With that said, we regret to inform you that the headstone you propose to have at your recently purchased burial plot does not meet our cemetery's standards and regulations. Although we understand the need to individualize your grave marker, we must decline your custom designed headstone because of following reasons:

• We cannot engrave a headstone with five dates of birth for one person.

• The font style you created for your inscriptions, Detroit Sans Serif, is illegible on both paper [...]

Making Jokes at My Mother's Funeral: A Defense of Gallows Humor

I’ll confess that I sometimes feel bad about how often I laughed when it came time to tell others that my mother was dying of cancer. But there was a sick irony to it: she’d been a smoker her whole life, yet the doctors told her the tumors on her lungs were genetic and had nothing to do with cigarettes. That was the first joke. The second was that she and her siblings were adopted, with no knowledge of their birth parents, which meant those aforementioned genetics were a complete mystery…which meant they were a complete mystery to me, her first-born son, her first blood relative, and the lucky [...]

Angels Trade the Cruel Passage of Time to the Cubs for a Reminder of Your Own Mortality, by Pablo Goldstein

ESPN’s Tim Kurkjian reports that the Anaheim Angels have traded minor league infielder Matt Scioscia to the Chicago Cubs for outfielder Trevor Gretzky.

Gretzky, the son of hockey legend Wayne Gretzky and an abrupt reminder of how little time you have left in your short, insignificant life, was selected in the seventh round of the 2011 First-Year Player Draft. The left-hander is expected to start for the Inland Empire 66ers where he will bat 5th in the lineup and emphasize the coming winter of your existence.

Scioscia, the son of longtime Angels manager and former big-league catcher Mike Scioscia, will make his debut for the Boise Hawks later this year. While the infielder [...]

Left Handed Radio: 'The Fightin' Iceberg Mummies'

On this episode: We lock the Roller Rink DJ in his booth, WFFN wraps up all the college football scores you need, LHR38 has a rerun of "Boss Man and Wife", a guided meditation guru has a scratchy throat, a jingle singer starts to rebel, a graphic designer explodes, Tulip tries to get out of screw duty, and the principal breaks the bad news about Mister Pinder's horrible death.

This month's show was written and performed by Adam Bozarth, Dan Chamberlain, Matt Little, Taylor Moore, and Anna Rubanova.

All original music by Dan Warren. Check out his podcast, The International House of Dancakes.