Hello everyone. I'm glad we were all able to make some time in our busy schedules for this family meeting. Are we all comfortable? Did you get a sample of the new baked macaroni that we are going to be taste-testing for dinner Tuesday and Thursday this week? Your sister, my princess-star Lucy, is passing out the agendas for today’s meeting. As you’ll see, we will begin with Opening Remarks and then move on to Greeting and Open Agenda. After that, I’d like us to get to our first item of the day, which is making a switch from Capri Sun pouches to mini-PowerAdes at Blake’s soccer game this [...]
Alright! Yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about! Ladies and gentlemen, I heard this candlelight vigil was going to be off the chain, but even I didn't see this one coming. It looks like just about everyone in Bloomdale came out tonight, and I know all you crazy party animals have only got one thing on your minds: finding Caitlin Ashfield and bringing her home safe and sound! Woo!
You know, when I first learned that one of our own had been reported missing, I knew what we had to do for our beloved daughter, sister, friend, and Bloomdale High School classmate: throw the wildest, rowdiest, most ass-kicking candlelight vigil the world has ever seen — and you people did not [...]
Bloomington Cemetery very much appreciates your business, and we are pleased to see clients who have the foresight to plan ahead for their final resting place. With that said, we regret to inform you that the headstone you propose to have at your recently purchased burial plot does not meet our cemetery's standards and regulations. Although we understand the need to individualize your grave marker, we must decline your custom designed headstone because of following reasons:
• We cannot engrave a headstone with five dates of birth for one person.
• The font style you created for your inscriptions, Detroit Sans Serif, is illegible on both paper [...]
I’ll confess that I sometimes feel bad about how often I laughed when it came time to tell others that my mother was dying of cancer. But there was a sick irony to it: she’d been a smoker her whole life, yet the doctors told her the tumors on her lungs were genetic and had nothing to do with cigarettes. That was the first joke. The second was that she and her siblings were adopted, with no knowledge of their birth parents, which meant those aforementioned genetics were a complete mystery…which meant they were a complete mystery to me, her first-born son, her first blood relative, and the lucky [...]