Posts tagged as django gold

This Candlelight Vigil Is In Full Effect!, by Django Gold

Alright! Yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about! Ladies and gentlemen, I heard this candlelight vigil was going to be off the chain, but even I didn't see this one coming. It looks like just about everyone in Bloomdale came out tonight, and I know all you crazy party animals have only got one thing on your minds: finding Caitlin Ashfield and bringing her home safe and sound! Woo!

You know, when I first learned that one of our own had been reported missing, I knew what we had to do for our beloved daughter, sister, friend, and Bloomdale High School classmate: throw the wildest, rowdiest, most ass-kicking candlelight vigil the world has ever seen — and you people did not [...]

Welcome to the Neighborhood, by Django Gold


And welcome! As president of the Welcome Wagon, I'd like to be the first to extend my greetings to the newest addition to the Sycamore Hollow community. We are thrilled to welcome you to the neighborhood, and we are just positive that you and your family will find a perfect and lasting home here in Sycamore Hollow, the best, friendliest, and most vibrant suburban housing complex in the Columbus metropolitan area!

Before we go on, I'd like to get it out of the way and confirm that, yes, as the notices put up by the district attorney's office so charitably mention: Sycamore Hollow is in fact home to [...]

Late Twenties Game Night! by Django Gold

Hey there, late twenty-somethings! Looking for a way to spend your wide-open weekend nights? Nothing else to do besides hit up that tired old bar scene that apparently none of your responsible, newly career-driven friends are into anymore? Then it's time for Late Twenties Game Night, the hot new craze of staying in and playing an unending series of board and card games that's sweeping every tastefully decorated townhouse in the nation!

That's right: fucking board and card games! That profoundly unsatisfying diversion you used to resort to at your grandmother's house because there was nothing else to do is now something in which your friends appear to take [...]

I Know How To Make Your Movie Better, by Django Gold

It needs to have a cute, little kid who is always outsmarting the grown-ups. There. That's it. That's what's going to make your movie stand above the rest: a little kid — a cute, little kid — and he has to be clever and cute, and, most importantly, he must outsmart the grown-ups. That's what the audience wants, and that's what you will give them.

Here's why this is going to work. Let's say you've got this other guy in your movie, this uptight accountant-type. A real square peg who's always bringing the mood down with his lectures and polo shirt. He thinks he's going to spend all of [...]