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Posts tagged as family

The Greatest Joke Ever

"You know my favorite. It's your favorite too," my Bubbe said to me with the same rascally grin she had when she first told me our favorite joke. Though, it was now missing a few teeth, from when she said "fuck it" with her dentures, around when she moved in with parents for hospice care. Still, teeth-be-damned, she couldn't withhold that smirk. See: it's a dirty joke; it's a dark joke; it's a joke that over time has drifted onto the wrong side of political correctness; it's the greatest joke ever.

She first heard "the one about the dead nun" on one of the regional, elderly bus tours she took [...]

Every Advantage, by Nick Taylor

When I was five minutes old, my father gave my umbilical cord to a man in a pinstriped suit, who was waiting in the hall. “He’s going to bank your cord blood, son. It might be useful someday. God knows they want a king’s ransom, but your mother and I want you to have every advantage.”

“Ga,” said I.

My sainted mother fought thrush infections in both her breasts and cracked nipples that bled like open wounds in order to provide me with mother’s milk until I was two years old. “I want to tear my chest off,” she cooed in my ear, “but I can’t imagine not giving [...]

Your Guide to Distracting Yourself From Your Family with Comedy This Weekend

It's the Thanksgiving holiday weekend, which means lots of travel and lots of family time. It's a double-edged sword: it's always nice to see family, for a time. But when you're sleeping in your old bedroom for a few nights, waking up to and going to sleep after spending the day with the family with few opportunities to take a breather, things can get tense. Here, allow me to give you some things to do when you need a break from all of the forced family fun of Thanksgiving.

Family Meeting About Jason, Who is Back From the Dead, by Matthew Johnson

Hello everyone. I'm glad we were all able to make some time in our busy schedules for this family meeting. Are we all comfortable? Did you get a sample of the new baked macaroni that we are going to be taste-testing for dinner Tuesday and Thursday this week? Your sister, my princess-star Lucy, is passing out the agendas for today’s meeting. As you’ll see, we will begin with Opening Remarks and then move on to Greeting and Open Agenda. After that, I’d like us to get to our first item of the day, which is making a switch from Capri Sun pouches to mini-PowerAdes at Blake’s soccer game this [...]

Adam Sandler's Next Movie Will Be About a Blended Family

Adam Sandler has signed on to star in a new untitled comedy about a blended family, Deadline reports. The movie follows Jim and Lauren, who go on a disastrous blind date and then get stuck together in a family resort with each of their kids from previous marriages, causing them to come closer together. Sandler is eyeing a small group of actresses for the part of Lauren, including his Wedding Singer and 50 First Dates costar Drew Barrymore. Sandler's next movie was supposed to be a western comedy called Ridiculous 6, but this family movie pushes that project back. I know that's rough news for all of [...]

The Family's New Coat of Arms, by Jake Tuck

Thanks for coming to the unveiling of the new Pepperton family coat of arms, the updated representation of our clan’s history and values. I have personally designed it to both carry on the ancient tradition of our name and account for our place in the modern world.

Back in the old country, heraldic devices helped us promote our family’s brand. The area peasants needed to be able to easily tell who was winning the jousts or commandeering their stocks of grain. Now we can use it for things like family reunion T-shirts, or as a logo for Pepperton Appliances, once a regional retail giant, now a front for Uncle [...]

A Funny Thing: Kate Tellers Gets Handsy During Thanksgiving Dinner

This week on A Funny Thing, a story from comedian and storyteller Kate Tellers about the time she put on a corset, impersonated an Astor, and tried to give her boyfriend a handjob during Thanksgiving dinner with her family. Just like the pilgrims did!

Kate will be hosting the MOTH slam on Dec 27th. and you can follow her on twitter @katadudle. She told her story at the comedy storytelling stalwart Oh Hey Guys! This week please remember that all of us here at A Funny Thing wish you a happy and safe thanksgiving. HJ's for everybody!

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