No need to thank me.
I’m just doing my job. My tireless, aggravating, hamster-wheel job.
But, it’s a job nonetheless, and I’m happy to be working.
Because folks such as yourself are always asking me how exactly it works, I thought I’d finally lay it all down on the line.
If you’ve ever wondered where complaints go, then you’re first of all asking the wrong question. What you should be asking is: Where are complaints lodged? And if you’ve gotten that far, you’re first to be congratulated for your fortitude and then should receive an answer:
COMPLAINTS ARE LODGED IN, WELL, A COMPLAINT LODGE, OF COURSE.
That’s where I [...]
Intro to Improvisation – Mondays 7:00
In this class you will work on overcoming your disdain for improv comedy brought on by years of Whose Line Is It Anyway? and a detrimental trip to ComedySportz in your teen years. It won’t be fully successful, but Monday nights are a television black hole, so what the hell? Expect to be overwhelmed at how many people in your class sound like they have a much more fulfilling job and/or life than you.
Prerequisites: Ability to be civil when you’re in a scene with “that guy” whose friends told him to take this class and who will be gone after the second [...]
Take everything you think you know about fantasy-themed house parties and push it out the window. This is our annual Game of Thrones premiere extravaganza. A night when loyalties are tested. Scandal conspires with intrigue. Deceptions reign. And this year, brace yourselves, because Dana is coming. With Mike and them.
All that said, we do ask that guests review a few basic house rules — for the den is small, and full of collectibles.
Arrive in costume. To avoid another year of multiple Ser Gerris Drinkwaters, we’ll be creating our own original GoT characters and costumes. If you haven’t personalized your sigil, there’s a super simple formula: take the [...]
When I was five minutes old, my father gave my umbilical cord to a man in a pinstriped suit, who was waiting in the hall. “He’s going to bank your cord blood, son. It might be useful someday. God knows they want a king’s ransom, but your mother and I want you to have every advantage.”
“Ga,” said I.
My sainted mother fought thrush infections in both her breasts and cracked nipples that bled like open wounds in order to provide me with mother’s milk until I was two years old. “I want to tear my chest off,” she cooed in my ear, “but I can’t imagine not giving [...]
5:00 a.m. Wake up and look out window. Be happy that yesterday's forecast was right—several inches of new snow has fallen. There's work to be done.
5:10 a.m. Get dressed in six layers of heavy winter clothing. Begin interminable wait until 9 a.m., the earliest possible hour that civilized society has deemed acceptable for a person to start his snow blower on a Saturday morning.
6:30 a.m. Start snow blower.
7:20 a.m. After taking twice as long as necessary to clear driveway, start work on the sidewalk and curb in front of your mailbox. Thoroughly brush all snow from top of mailbox itself. (Drying with a clean, soft cloth [...]