Splitsider

Posts tagged as humor writing

Kale's Agent Convinces It To Do a Soup for Olive Garden, by Steven An

Listen Kale, I know you’re not gonna like this, but it’s a good opportunity, and it’s good pay, and if you do this one then the next one will be something just for you.

Don’t give me that look. Will you just hear me out? Okay, okay. So it’s just a supporting role; everyone knows that you can do a good salad. This is a little different, but it’s something I know you’d still be good in.

Geez, okay. It’s a soup. For Olive Garden.

Come on Kale, that’s nonsense. You gotta do this one! You have to do this one! No one’s gonna think [...]

Would You Like to Buy a Sack of Bees? by Brian Agler

I know you’re here at the farmers market to buy apples, cucumbers, and various produce—but why don’t you come check out what I have to offer.

Yes, just step over the border of the high-school parking lot, where the rules and regulations of the farmers market don’t apply. I promise you, it will be worth it.

What I’m selling is organic, locally sourced, and better than anything you’ll find in your normal supermarket.

It’s a sack of bees! Angry, excitable bees that you can take home, today! No no, don’t go! Don’t worry, I tied the sack up real tight. The bees won’t get out.

[...]

NASA's Response to a Child Prodigy, by Ian Abramson

Dear Sammy,

Let me be the first to say how impressed we here at NASA were to receive such an ambitious spaceship design from a six-year-old. The details in your blueprints would have been impressive for a 12-year-old prodigy, let alone a six-year-old prodigy.

While we were deeply impressed with your innovative use of solar panels, we did have a few notes that we thought would strengthen your overall design. Please understand we aren't just writing to criticize. In fact, take this as a sure sign that we want to put your rocket in space as quickly as we can. We expect to get it in [...]

The Real Israeli-Palestinian Crisis is My Lack of Knowledge About it, by Evan Waite

My ignorance of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict shows no signs of stopping, and is from all indications worse than ever. It’s time to take a good, hard look at how uninformed I am.

Just this week, I heard someone say that the death toll rose in Gaza after Israel escalated its air assault. Whatever side of this conflict you find yourself on, I think we can all agree it is truly heartbreaking that I don’t understand what the term “Gaza” means.

Is it some sort of army base? Or a mythical mountain where the gold is hidden? I’m pretty sure it’s not underwater.

Left unchecked, the repercussions of this ignorance [...]

Letting My Parents Know, by Blake Henderson

Mom. Dad. Thanks for meeting me here.

I’ve wanted to talk to you about this for years, but I’ve just been pushing it off. I don’t even know why I couldn’t do it. I guess I was just scared of what you would do. How you would react. What you’d tell your friends. And I mean, it’s not like I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to be a part of my life. I didn’t do it because I wanted to protect you from the truth. And I know that was selfish— because I literally owe everything to you. But I’m sick of living in the darkness [...]

A Politician Applies For a Job at McDonald's, by Ben Godar

I am here to announce my application for the position of line cook at this McDonald’s location. You don’t know me, so let me take a moment to introduce myself. There are a few things that set me apart from the other candidates hovering in the lobby and sipping complimentary fountain drinks.

First and foremost, I am a fast food outsider. I did not graduate from McDonald’s University. I have never set foot in one of these places, or any fast food restaurant for that matter. What that means is, I won’t just come in here and accept business-as-usual. I will ask questions. Why do we need to empty [...]

Is He Marriage Material, or Is He a Herman Miller Aeron Chair? by Thomas Scott

Is there anything worse than spending time with a guy who at the end of the day just isn’t interested in a serious commitment? Actually, there is: dating a guy who isn’t interested in existing with you on any real plane of consciousness, because he’s a luxury brand office chair. Here are some helpful pointers to make sure you don’t make that mistake!

Tip #1: Google his name.

Before you even go out on date, do a quick search. A name alone can sometimes give you an idea of his character. If his name is Herman, be a little cautious. If his given name is Miller, [...]

Learn All About Print Humor with Writers from 'The New Yorker,' 'GQ,' 'Vanity Fair,' and More

If you're interested in writing humor or writing about humor, there's a two-day event at the PIT in New York this month called the Humber Print Humor Workshop that's set to be packed with comedy writing experts. The event takes place October 18th and 19th and includes several panel discussions and author Q&A sessions with agents, editors, authors, and bloggers who know a thing or two about the world of print humor. Poking a Dead Frog writer Mike Sacks will be moderating several panels — including one with Splitsider's own Adam Frucci — and other writers from Cracked, Vulture, Wired, GQ, and more. To check out the [...]

This Candlelight Vigil Is In Full Effect!, by Django Gold

Alright! Yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about! Ladies and gentlemen, I heard this candlelight vigil was going to be off the chain, but even I didn't see this one coming. It looks like just about everyone in Bloomdale came out tonight, and I know all you crazy party animals have only got one thing on your minds: finding Caitlin Ashfield and bringing her home safe and sound! Woo!

You know, when I first learned that one of our own had been reported missing, I knew what we had to do for our beloved daughter, sister, friend, and Bloomdale High School classmate: throw the wildest, rowdiest, most ass-kicking candlelight vigil the world has ever seen — and you people did not [...]

A Profile of Acting Legend John C. Reilly, by Blythe Roberson

I’m assigned to write a profile of acting legend John C. Reilly. It’s an assignment of a lifetime. Wait. In a lifetime. It’s an assignment in my lifetime. In preparation, I decide to watch his films to study his technique. There’s just one problem: I still can’t figure out Netflix.

The day of the interview, I ride my skateboard 7 miles from my apartment to meet him at a restaurant that turns out to be next door to my apartment. So that’s why I suggested that deli, I realize after 3.5 miles.

I walk through the door to see acting [...]

Thank You For Financing My Diss Track, by Erik Cofer

Mom, Dad, I feel like it's finally time for me to come clean about my latest project. You remember that $20,000 you loaned me six months ago? Well, it wasn't for "paying off gambling debt" like I claimed. The money actually financed a studio-quality recording in which I mercilessly rip the both of you to shreds over sonic layers of flawlessly-mixed hip-hop. In the music community, we call this a "diss track."

Before you rush to judgment, let me just say that this isn't about you. Not entirely, at least. I also recorded diss tracks to my landlord, my former landlords, some guy at Dairy Queen who [...]

The Dead Dog Farm Upstate, by Luke Pohjala

You’ve probably been told it before, sometime in your childhood: “Buster (or any other dumb, thoughtless dog name) had to go to a farm upstate. Don’t cry. He’ll have plenty of room to run around in the fresh air. He’s in a better place now.” By now you’ve realized that was a lie. This probably made you question lots of things your parents told you. Will you really grow big and strong if you eat your vegetables? Do they actually love you? Will we really get there when we get there? The truth is that anything your parents told you was, in some way, a lie.

But I’m here [...]

I Apologize For Your Negative Hotel Experience, by Jon Wolper

Dear Ms. Winters,

Thank you for your letter. Hopefully I can help resolve some of the issues you experienced while staying at our hotel.

As you wrote, your troubles began at night, when you found that our ice machine was empty. Our apologies. We try to run a tight ship, but sometimes things fall through the cracks. I promise to be more vigilant about the ice machine in the future.

After you went back to your room, you began to hear incessant banging coming from the walls and ceiling. Our building is very old, and the walls are thin, so the noises made by other guests were heard clearly. [...]

An Airbnb Review of Charles and Linda's Unique Private Room, by Spencer Ham

Okay, first of all, stop looking for other Airbnb rooms in San Francisco right now. Just stop, because nothing will beat Charles and Linda’s private room. I stayed in their home for six nights and it cost me a grand total of zero dollars. That's right. This large, centrally located, beautiful space is free. F-r-e-e.

Now, there are some ground rules, but that’s to be expected. You will be required to wear a uniform. I know it sounds a little weird, but hey, a free room is a free room. The outfit consists of cargo shorts, an Angry Birds T-shirt, some Crocs, and [...]