To the Glendale High School Class of 2015:
As you well know, this coming Saturday marks that most cherished of high school traditions, the senior prom, during which you, our soon-to-be-graduated Glendale Badgers, will gather at the fabulous DeVille Hotel for an evening of dancing and wonderment you'll not soon forget. The prom is a special moment in one's life, and so, in hopes of presiding over the glitz and glamour that mark this most magical of nights, I hereby submit my candidacy for prom king.
Just as in past years, my credentials for this lofty office speak for themselves. Moreover, unlike the pimply amateurs who have repeatedly besmirched [...]
On September 13, 2014, a complaint was a made by a Francis R. Wiggleworm concerning the food production by The Magical Growing Farm. Mr. Wiggleworm alleges that the company creates its world-famous magical fruit and flibbleberries by using illegal chemicals and through unregulated genetic alteration. A investigative team was sent to the farm, located past the Wumpa-Wumpa Jungles, over the Bee-Doo-Wap river, and through the Hubba-Wampistat Mountains, to conduct interviews with the employees of the business. The following are partial transcripts from these interviews.
Employe No. 223501 “Listen, don’t you think someone would have broken the silence before now, if there was something illicit, unnatural, or potentially [...]
Touchdown! Oh, was that not the correct term to celebrate the tall man putting the ball through the hoop? My mistake. It's just that I don't watch sports and I want you to know that.
You're probably wondering why I'm at this Buffalo Wild Wings on the night of the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship Game if I don't care for sports. Well, Maria's husband, I am joining the wing-gorging plebes who masquerade by day as my co-workers in order to celebrate my inevitable victory in our office tournament pool. With the help of statistician Nate Silver, I was able to construct a nearly perfect bracket by combining his empirical data and my sophisticated intellect that has [...]
FUDS began in 2012 as a parody menu satirizing the foodie scene, food blogs, and, mostly, pretentious food words. (The menu includes “thick crust stringer chunks,” “crab dorks,” and “sea sucklers towered over a seaweed sleeping bag and calmed with a menthol pillow.”) Named by GQ as one of its “100 Funniest Things in the History of the Internet," the work of "Alfredo and Antonio Mizretto" has expanded to a whole book, FUDS: A Complete Encyclofoodia (From Tickling Shrimp to Not Dying in a Restaurant). Probably the most complete book ever written on cooking and eating not real food, the book, like the website, is actually written by Kelly Hudson (Thing [...]
Adjusting to ghost life isn't easy.
The first couple of weeks of being dead are definitely the hardest. Being a ghost is something you have to ease into, like a cold pool, or anal, or anal in a cold pool.
Warning: That last one is super difficult. Do not try at home.
At first, you usually take your cue from the movies you saw when you were alive. You might speak in a spooky vibrato voice or hang out in a pottery class. It's all a bit overdramatic and a big clue that you are a newbie to the specter world. My buddy, Barry, calls these "dead giveaways."