Splitsider

Posts tagged as humor writing

A Profile of Acting Legend John C. Reilly, by Blythe Roberson

I’m assigned to write a profile of acting legend John C. Reilly. It’s an assignment of a lifetime. Wait. In a lifetime. It’s an assignment in my lifetime. In preparation, I decide to watch his films to study his technique. There’s just one problem: I still can’t figure out Netflix.

The day of the interview, I ride my skateboard 7 miles from my apartment to meet him at a restaurant that turns out to be next door to my apartment. So that’s why I suggested that deli, I realize after 3.5 miles.

I walk through the door to see acting [...]

For Your Comfort and Safety, by Dan Dillabough

Thank you for choosing to fly with us today. Before we take off, we ask that you please pay close attention to the following safety announcements.

Please ensure that your carry-on baggage is safely stowed in the overhead compartments. Also, when stowing your baggage, please be careful not to disturb the raccoon that has been living up there for the past few weeks. He may appear dangerous, but rest assured that he won’t bother you if you don’t bother him.

Please ensure that your seatbelt is securely fastened at all times. Do not remove the seatbelt while seated, unless the raccoon wants to curl up and [...]

Ask the Existentially Troubled Housekeeping Expert, by Luke Burns

It feels like no matter how hard I work, I just can’t get the dining room to stay clean. Do you have any strategies that might help me stay on top of the mess?

—A.I., Oswego, NY

It sounds like your real struggle is not with the breadcrumbs on the floor, or the jelly stuck to the tablecloth, but with entropy itself! Your messy dining area is just one sign of the inexorable decay that will only end with the heat death of the universe. Here’s a hint: Try to avoid realizing that in the grand scheme of things, all struggles are pointless — especially your attempts to keep [...]

Angels Trade the Cruel Passage of Time to the Cubs for a Reminder of Your Own Mortality, by Pablo Goldstein

ESPN’s Tim Kurkjian reports that the Anaheim Angels have traded minor league infielder Matt Scioscia to the Chicago Cubs for outfielder Trevor Gretzky.

Gretzky, the son of hockey legend Wayne Gretzky and an abrupt reminder of how little time you have left in your short, insignificant life, was selected in the seventh round of the 2011 First-Year Player Draft. The left-hander is expected to start for the Inland Empire 66ers where he will bat 5th in the lineup and emphasize the coming winter of your existence.

Scioscia, the son of longtime Angels manager and former big-league catcher Mike Scioscia, will make his debut for the Boise Hawks later this year. While the infielder [...]

Regarding Our Annual Companywide Retreat, by Zack Wortman

Q: Must I attend the retreat? A: Everyone wants to attend the retreat. Our annual spring retreat is an honored company tradition here at Smith and Associates and is a well-loved part of our social calendar. It is designed as a fun and relaxing time for employees, and CEO Dan Prowdy incurs great personal expense to make such an experience a reality.

Q: What if I do not wish to attend the retreat? A: Nobody has ever not wanted to attend the retreat.

Q: If I have a prior engagement, may I not attend the retreat? A: Dan knows that a handful of legitimate reasons will prevent some people from attending the retreat. This includes a [...]

Write What You Know, by Jesse Porter

A 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines falls in love with his free-spirited, unpredictable new co-worker, Amanda. She's smart, she's spunky, she's a single mom — and she might just be the girl of his dreams. Now, in order to win her heart, he'll need to overcome his crippling self-consciousness and insecurity if he ever hopes to start a conversation with her in the parking lot, but he also has to not seem all creepy about it. So it's really tricky.

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Wacky comic hijinks await a 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines when he travels to the countryside for a week of boating, [...]

The Golden Age of CB Radio, by Aboubacar Ndiaye

You may not know, it but for the past ten years or so, we have been living through a new golden age in the world of CB radio. Forty years ago, you could turn on your CB Radio, screw around with the dial a little bit, and listen to Big Cocker Jackson, Dakota Bull, and Ted Trouble 324 at their raucous, salacious best. Jellybean would come on at night and rill the boys up, and tell us about this or that strip club, and this or that truck stop, where the girls were easy and the beer was cheap. But then the '80s came with its media consolidation and [...]

The Summer Caretaker at the Overlook Hotel Asks for a Raise, by David Guzman

I first want to say what a pleasure it is to be back as the summer caretaker for the Overlook Hotel. The grand architecture, its beautiful location in the Colorado mountains, the pleasant staff and clientele; it’s truly an honor to work here.

I must be upfront, though, and tell you I’m here to ask for a raise. There are a few factors that come into play. As I understand it, the winter caretaker position pays just as much as the summer position. And that’s just not fair, since the job of summer caretaker requires much more work than that of winter caretaker. In addition, our winter caretakers tend [...]

You're My Maid of Honor Because You're My Best Friend (Who Can Do a Tight, Clean Six-Minute Set), by Alex Schmidt

Rach? Need you for a sec. Abbs can finish up the rehearsal dinner caterer stuff herself.

Okay, I know I need some sleep before the big day, but I know I also need to tell you how much this means to me.

I have never had a friend like you. Ever. Somebody who's so fun, and so funny, and so on point when stuff happens and it's like, "Who's gonna say something first about this because whoa." I was raving about that when I was going over the place cards last week with Abbs, and she totally agrees: You're the best.

Rach? There is no one I would rather [...]

The Devastator Is Releasing a Bundle of Comedy Books

Comedy publisher The Devastator announced today that they've partnered with StoryBundle to release a batch of comedy books. Here's a sweet burn on crappy humor books from the announcement:

"When we go to a book store and look at 'humor books,' we typically see titles like Uncle Bobert's Crapper Laughs: 2000 Jokes to Memorize While You're Takin' a Big Dump and George W. Bushwhacked: A Doonesbury Collection (2003). Our goal is to create the freshest, geekiest, most hilarious books out there, and we're solely focused on humor."

The Devastator's humor bundle is an affordable collection of nine books and comic books from Daily Show, The Onion, and Adult Swim writers, and you can check [...]

Air Bud: Glory Days, by Joe Veix

Do go check out PBQ Vol. 2. Edited by our friend John Howell Harris (with cover and interstitial art by Daniel Spenser) the second in the PBQ series is an elegant, hardbound number filled with humorous art and pieces from folks who have previously created material for The Onion, The Tonight Show, Adult Swim, Community, and The New Yorker.

It’s $15.00, so a small but solid investment. All proceeds benefit New York Cares. Please enjoy this excerpt, “Scenes From Air Bud: Glory Days” by Joe Veix.

Air Bud finds a box of old basketball memorabilia in his attic. He blows dust off a newspaper clipping, and ponders the [...]

Holden Caulfield Applies for an HR Position, by Dan Morey

Greg Roman Integrated Software 48 Detmire Road White Plains, NY 10601

Dear Mr. Roman,

I’m writing to apply for the goddam HR Manager position you advertised in the New York Times. I’ve enclosed my résumé and three references from real hot-shots.The opportunity in your ad is very interesting and all. You wouldn’t believe how enthusiastic I am about it. You really wouldn’t. My brother D.B. says I’m a born HR man, and he’s a terrific judge of character. At least he used to be before he moved out to Hollywood and started writing all those rotten movies. D.B. is really just a prostitute now.

Anyway, I guess my experience and education make [...]

A Commercial for Floral Essentials Shampoo, Based on the Bestselling Dystopian YA Novel, by Mike Cabellon

I used to think that raising my three boys was a handful. They would keep me on my toes all day, so I didn't always have time to worry about my hair care products. That's why I trusted Floral Essentials shampoo to help me relax and unwind after a long day.

And thanks to new Transcendence Full Body Volumizing Shampoo from Floral Essentials, I'll never wash my hair the same way again.

When I used Transcendence for the first time, I was transported to a world of almonds and honey.

A world with long-lasting, healthy shine.

A world of strong, revitalized roots.

A world with a deep, dark secret.

[...]

The Collected Wisdom of Frank Abagnale, Sr., by Matt Crowley

Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse struggled so hard that eventually he turned that cream into butter. He ate all the butter and fought a painful, protracted battle with heart disease for the rest of his life. He would grow to envy that first mouse.

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Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse gave up and drowned. The second mouse struggled so hard that he eventually turned that cream into butter and crawled out. If you ask me, that’s essentially the movie Ratatouille right there, but where are my royalty checks?

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