Splitsider

Posts tagged as humor writing

Holden Caulfield Applies for an HR Position, by Dan Morey

Greg Roman Integrated Software 48 Detmire Road White Plains, NY 10601

Dear Mr. Roman,

I’m writing to apply for the goddam HR Manager position you advertised in the New York Times. I’ve enclosed my résumé and three references from real hot-shots.The opportunity in your ad is very interesting and all. You wouldn’t believe how enthusiastic I am about it. You really wouldn’t. My brother D.B. says I’m a born HR man, and he’s a terrific judge of character. At least he used to be before he moved out to Hollywood and started writing all those rotten movies. D.B. is really just a prostitute now.

Anyway, I guess my experience and education make [...]

A Commercial for Floral Essentials Shampoo, Based on the Bestselling Dystopian YA Novel, by Mike Cabellon

I used to think that raising my three boys was a handful. They would keep me on my toes all day, so I didn't always have time to worry about my hair care products. That's why I trusted Floral Essentials shampoo to help me relax and unwind after a long day.

And thanks to new Transcendence Full Body Volumizing Shampoo from Floral Essentials, I'll never wash my hair the same way again.

When I used Transcendence for the first time, I was transported to a world of almonds and honey.

A world with long-lasting, healthy shine.

A world of strong, revitalized roots.

A world with a deep, dark secret.

[...]

The Collected Wisdom of Frank Abagnale, Sr., by Matt Crowley

Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. The second mouse struggled so hard that eventually he turned that cream into butter. He ate all the butter and fought a painful, protracted battle with heart disease for the rest of his life. He would grow to envy that first mouse.

***

Two little mice fell in a bucket of cream. The first mouse gave up and drowned. The second mouse struggled so hard that he eventually turned that cream into butter and crawled out. If you ask me, that’s essentially the movie Ratatouille right there, but where are my royalty checks?

[...]

Letter to My Husband as He Tries to French Kiss Me, by Devorah Blachor

Dear Sweetheart,

Gosh, it’s been a long day, hasn’t it? I’m beat. If I closed my eyes right now, I’d fall into Stage 4 sleep and stay there until someone shook me so violently that I’d wake up and say something crazy in a panic-stricken voice like, “Where are the elbow pipettes?”

Let me say that it’s so great to know that you’re still attracted to me. It makes all the hours we spend guessing which of our couple friends still have good sex even more entertaining. Remember when we started dating and you used to spontaneously massage the arches of my feet because you claimed you enjoyed it? [...]

Ditch Digger University, by Dan Rozier

Listen up! Are you tired of parents, relatives, and friends telling you to apply yourself? Do you want an education that works for you? How's your upper body strength? Are you typically awake at this hour?

Well, what are you waiting for? Get everyone off your back at Ditch Digger University. DDU was established on the belief that education shouldn't only take you further—it should take you wider and deeper, too. We're a premier institution for the modern world where students can learn, grow, and get their hands dirty with real world experience and, more often than not, actual dirt.

At any other university you'd just be a number, a [...]

Ask the Existentially Troubled Housekeeping Expert, by Luke Burns

It feels like no matter how hard I work, I just can’t get the dining room to stay clean. Do you have any strategies that might help me stay on top of the mess?

—A.I., Oswego, NY

It sounds like your real struggle is not with the breadcrumbs on the floor, or the jelly stuck to the tablecloth, but with entropy itself! Your messy dining area is just one sign of the inexorable decay that will only end with the heat death of the universe. Here’s a hint: Try to avoid realizing that in the grand scheme of things, all struggles are pointless — especially your attempts to keep [...]

Angels Trade the Cruel Passage of Time to the Cubs for a Reminder of Your Own Mortality, by Pablo Goldstein

ESPN’s Tim Kurkjian reports that the Anaheim Angels have traded minor league infielder Matt Scioscia to the Chicago Cubs for outfielder Trevor Gretzky.

Gretzky, the son of hockey legend Wayne Gretzky and an abrupt reminder of how little time you have left in your short, insignificant life, was selected in the seventh round of the 2011 First-Year Player Draft. The left-hander is expected to start for the Inland Empire 66ers where he will bat 5th in the lineup and emphasize the coming winter of your existence.

Scioscia, the son of longtime Angels manager and former big-league catcher Mike Scioscia, will make his debut for the Boise Hawks later this year. While the infielder [...]

Regarding Our Annual Companywide Retreat, by Zack Wortman

Q: Must I attend the retreat? A: Everyone wants to attend the retreat. Our annual spring retreat is an honored company tradition here at Smith and Associates and is a well-loved part of our social calendar. It is designed as a fun and relaxing time for employees, and CEO Dan Prowdy incurs great personal expense to make such an experience a reality.

Q: What if I do not wish to attend the retreat? A: Nobody has ever not wanted to attend the retreat.

Q: If I have a prior engagement, may I not attend the retreat? A: Dan knows that a handful of legitimate reasons will prevent some people from attending the retreat. This includes a [...]

When Meagan Prematurely Ends Her Trip to Mars, Let’s Respond in a Dignified Manner, by Erik Cofer

You guys, Meagan is our friend. She has her faults, but she always means well. I guess what I’m really trying to say is that when Meagan’s plan to help establish a colony on Mars and ultimately save humanity from extinction inevitably fails and she comes crawling back to Earth, let’s show her the support she deserves.

I know it’s going to be tempting to point out how we all told her she was nuts beforehand—or crack jokes about her acne and how we’re all just one cosmic calamity away from extinction and you, Meagan, had the chance to help change that but you failed miserably, so thanks for [...]

Remember When Movies Used To Be Good? by Justin Geldzahler

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I remember when the movies used to mean something.  When you saw a film, it was about something. It said things. Made ya think. About things. Like The Big Chill. Now that was a film. It had laughs, it had tears, and it really said something, you know? You don’t? Well, let me tell you. It was about people, mostly/all white people, and how even if you’re the champions of the world, life can never live up to expectations. Not like that navel-gazing crap you kids have.

I know you Millennials just want to see Thor fight ice Nazis and flirt with his brother, but I prefer [...]

The Summer Caretaker at the Overlook Hotel Asks for a Raise, by David Guzman

I first want to say what a pleasure it is to be back as the summer caretaker for the Overlook Hotel. The grand architecture, its beautiful location in the Colorado mountains, the pleasant staff and clientele; it’s truly an honor to work here.

I must be upfront, though, and tell you I’m here to ask for a raise. There are a few factors that come into play. As I understand it, the winter caretaker position pays just as much as the summer position. And that’s just not fair, since the job of summer caretaker requires much more work than that of winter caretaker. In addition, our winter caretakers tend [...]

You're My Maid of Honor Because You're My Best Friend (Who Can Do a Tight, Clean Six-Minute Set), by Alex Schmidt

Rach? Need you for a sec. Abbs can finish up the rehearsal dinner caterer stuff herself.

Okay, I know I need some sleep before the big day, but I know I also need to tell you how much this means to me.

I have never had a friend like you. Ever. Somebody who's so fun, and so funny, and so on point when stuff happens and it's like, "Who's gonna say something first about this because whoa." I was raving about that when I was going over the place cards last week with Abbs, and she totally agrees: You're the best.

Rach? There is no one I would rather [...]

The Devastator Is Releasing a Bundle of Comedy Books

Comedy publisher The Devastator announced today that they've partnered with StoryBundle to release a batch of comedy books. Here's a sweet burn on crappy humor books from the announcement:

"When we go to a book store and look at 'humor books,' we typically see titles like Uncle Bobert's Crapper Laughs: 2000 Jokes to Memorize While You're Takin' a Big Dump and George W. Bushwhacked: A Doonesbury Collection (2003). Our goal is to create the freshest, geekiest, most hilarious books out there, and we're solely focused on humor."

The Devastator's humor bundle is an affordable collection of nine books and comic books from Daily Show, The Onion, and Adult Swim writers, and you can check [...]

Dating Tips For Twentysomethings In a Nuclear Apocalypse, by Jon Wolper

Dating in your twenties isn't easy. Your friends are coupling up and moving far away. The best guys and girls all seem to be taken. And the nuclear holocaust that has annihilated 97 percent of humanity has also annihilated that cute guy a few miles down the highway. It’s tough!

But your age—and, of course, the ever-present spectre of death—shouldn’t dissuade you from getting out there, meeting new people, and maybe even settling down. Here are a few tips to get you started:

Be assertive It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and no one’s going to wait for you if you’re too shy to strike up a conversation. So [...]