Splitsider

Posts tagged as humor writing

Do You Like Sports? Because I Do Not Like Sports, by Pablo Goldstein

Touchdown! Oh, was that not the correct term to celebrate the tall man putting the ball through the hoop? My mistake. It's just that I don't watch sports and I want you to know that.

You're probably wondering why I'm at this Buffalo Wild Wings on the night of the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship Game if I don't care for sports. Well, Maria's husband, I am joining the wing-gorging plebes who masquerade by day as my co-workers in order to celebrate my inevitable victory in our office tournament pool. With the help of statistician Nate Silver, I was able to construct a nearly perfect bracket by combining his empirical data and my sophisticated intellect that has [...]

An Excerpt From ‘FUDS: A Complete Encyclofoodia’

FUDS began in 2012 as a parody menu satirizing the foodie scene, food blogs, and, mostly, pretentious food words. (The menu includes “thick crust stringer chunks,” “crab dorks,” and “sea sucklers towered over a seaweed sleeping bag and calmed with a menthol pillow.”)  Named by GQ as one of its “100 Funniest Things in the History of the Internet," the work of "Alfredo and Antonio Mizretto" has expanded to a whole book, FUDS: A Complete Encyclofoodia (From Tickling Shrimp to Not Dying in a Restaurant). Probably the most complete book ever written on cooking and eating not real food, the book, like the website, is actually written by Kelly Hudson (Thing [...]

How the Other Half "Lives," by Ryan Patricks

Adjusting to ghost life isn't easy.

The first couple of weeks of being dead are definitely the hardest. Being a ghost is something you have to ease into, like a cold pool, or anal, or anal in a cold pool.

Warning: That last one is super difficult. Do not try at home.

At first, you usually take your cue from the movies you saw when you were alive. You might speak in a spooky vibrato voice or hang out in a pottery class. It's all a bit overdramatic and a big clue that you are a newbie to the specter world. My buddy, Barry, calls these "dead giveaways."

Isn't [...]

We Wanted to Alert You to a Rather Large Purchase, by Ian Goldstein

Dear Daniel S. Clavers,

We wanted to alert you to some rather large purchases recently charged to your account:

• $400.00 Fine Young Cannibals Biopic Kickstarter

• $500.00 Roland Gift Life-size Mannequin

If you do not recognize these purchases, please contact us immediately at 555-1155.

If this is a joke, then yes, we find it funny.

But seriously, let us know.

Sincerely, Titan Neighborhood Bank

 

Dear Daniel S. Clavers,

Thank you for responding so speedily to our email. We now understand that these purchases were of your own volition and we respect your decisions. We did not mean to insult you or "spoil the surprise" for the members [...]

The Bean Salad Recipe Book, by Jon Wolper

THREE-BEAN SALAD

Dee-licious! A classic. Buy some fresh green beans from the farmer’s market, grab some kidney and wax beans, add some vinegar, some oil, salt, onions, and you’re good to go!

 

FOUR-BEAN SALAD

Well, you’re ambitious. That’s fine, we can do four beans. Just take that recipe from above and root around through your pantry for some garbanzos. If you want to do a four-bean salad, you better have garbanzos. Soak them in the fridge overnight!

 

FIVE-BEAN SALAD

Now we’re really leaving our comfort zone. All right, we can do this. Deep breath. How about kidney beans? Wait, we’ve used those. Maybe try black beans? I mean, [...]

Woodstock, by Andrew Cushing

It was the '60s. My hair was long, and I was at a music festival. A barefoot hippie walked up to me and said, "I'm not wearing shoes." We dropped acid for a few minutes. Then the hippie said, "We're at Woodstock." There weren't any toilets.

Like most people, I was only there to see the Keef Hartley Band. Keef had been my roommate at Middlebury where we both failed Intro to Sculpture. I helped him write "Sinnin' For You" in the quad. He got me a good deal on tickets.

At one point I looked up from my Tom Wolfe book and Jimi Hendrix was on stage setting [...]

The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Birthday Cake, by Dan Rozier

 In a big tree house down a sunny dirt road deep in the heart of Bear Country, it was Brother’s birthday. The Bear family—Mama, Papa, Brother and Sister—were sitting around the kitchen table enjoying some of Mama’s famous homemade birthday cake. Papa reached for his third piece.

“Papa, you’ve had enough,” scolded Mama.

“There’s no such thing as too much birthday cake!” Papa exclaimed.

He winked at Brother, the birthday boy, and shoved a third piece into his mouth.

Nighttime came and Brother’s special day left as quickly as it had arrived. It was time for bed. Teeth were brushed, stories read, cubs tucked [...]

A Quick Reminder Before Our Rainforest Expedition Begins, by Blythe Roberson

Gentlemen, welcome to the annual Millionaires Club Rainforest Expedition. Before we begin, I’d like to run through a few quick reminders to avoid problems we’ve encountered in the past.

The jungle is a dangerous place that can be tamed by no man and no amount of money. No, Charles, not even by $4.5 million. It is important to defer to the proper authority. At times we will be traveling dangerous waters on canoe-type vessels. Please do not try to commandeer these vessels or convince their captains to “let you have a quick go of it.” Yes, Edmund, I understand that you were captain of the Yale rowing team. I will [...]

Why My Anime Girlfriend is Much Cooler Than My Stepmom Brenda, by Devin Rosni

Having an anime girlfriend is the coolest thing in the world! My girlfriend Kukuru Megumi is the most awesome character on my favorite anime TV show Wolf Mirage Schoolgirl. Kukuru does not even mind that I am only 11 years old. She is the best girlfriend ever!

My stepmom Brenda married my dad two years ago and she sucks. Brenda does not speak Japanese at all. Sometimes she tells me what to do and I tell her, “NO BRENDA, YOU ARE NOT MY MOM!”  I hate when that happens.

Here are a few reasons why my girlfriend Kukuru is way cooler than Brenda.

LOOKS

Kukuru has the hugest beautiful orange eyes because her grandfather was [...]

FCC Complaint: When Did Grainy Images of My Own Future Demise Become Acceptable Television? by Charlie Stockman

Dear FCC Goldbrickers,

My apologies if this complaint letter tends to ramble or does not fit a prescribed format. It is the first such letter I have had cause to write. Not because heretofore you were doing your jobs — indeed, I suspect you were not — but because in all my 67 years, I have never watched TV. That is, I never had watched TV, until a month ago when fate put me face to face with the vile medium. Allow me to explain.

You see it was around that time that I inherited an estate from a distant uncle in the backwoods of Massachusetts. It is a wonderful place, away from [...]

Brochure Enough, by Matthew David Brozik

About This Rack: On these shelves you’ll find brochures for all of the most interesting and/or exciting things to do and/or see in the general vicinity of your accommodations. Feel free to take one of each—and remember to show ’em to your friends and relatives when you return home, if only to prove that you didn’t just watch free HBO and/or read the Bible in your room the whole time. [You Are Here Systems, LLC is not responsible for typographical errors contained in any brochure and does not guarantee the interest or excitement of any visitor.]

SEA TO SEE™ WHALE-WATCHING What’s a vacation or business trip without an excursion to [...]

An Open Letter to Marissa of Girl Scout Troop #715, by Geoffrey Asmus

Marissa,

When we met you told me your favorite My Little Pony was Pinkie Pie, and that you sold cookies to raise money for your "dear sick Nana Georgina.”

I now doubt any of that was true.

Flawlessly you swindled and double-crossed me. Charmingly you liquidated my 401K while exquisitely performing multiple scenes from Catch Me If You Can.

I’ve been deceived before, but never so pleasantly.

At my doorstep you entranced me with the secrets of the world. You nibbled the opposite sides of a Thin Mint to create a chocolate flavored straw! What fun! I giddily await the secrets held within a Samoa!

You repaired my life [...]

11 Fun and Easy Cleanses That You Need to Try Today, by Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby

New year, nude you, right? What is it again? Regardless, you’ve got to lose weight. Even if you haven’t stuck to your new year’s resolution so far this year, these surefire cleanses will get you back on track to becoming the next Ariana Grande. Give ‘em a try, and remember: Failure is not an option.

Text Message Cleanse: This year is your year to put communication with actual words behind you. Embrace emoji in a real way, and finally gain the ability to send clear messages that actually mean something. When it comes to reaching out to the ones closest to you, a simple knife emoji typically [...]

I Am Pleased to Inform You That Someone Now Has a Tattoo Inspired by You and/or Your Work, by Molly Bradley

Dear Author,

Congratulations! You must have done something right, because something you wrote has inspired someone to imprint an excerpted portion, representation, allusion, or overt reference to it on a part of their body, to remain there forever.

Please do appreciate what it means for a person to go ahead and do this. For one, the kind of person who would get a tattoo of a literary nature is surely a voracious reader. This person has read countless words that he or she did not deem fit to emblazon permanently on his or her person, probably because they were not moving enough or too trite or even too commonly [...]