Touchdown! Oh, was that not the correct term to celebrate the tall man putting the ball through the hoop? My mistake. It's just that I don't watch sports and I want you to know that.
You're probably wondering why I'm at this Buffalo Wild Wings on the night of the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship Game if I don't care for sports. Well, Maria's husband, I am joining the wing-gorging plebes who masquerade by day as my co-workers in order to celebrate my inevitable victory in our office tournament pool. With the help of statistician Nate Silver, I was able to construct a nearly perfect bracket by combining his empirical data and my sophisticated intellect that has [...]
FUDS began in 2012 as a parody menu satirizing the foodie scene, food blogs, and, mostly, pretentious food words. (The menu includes “thick crust stringer chunks,” “crab dorks,” and “sea sucklers towered over a seaweed sleeping bag and calmed with a menthol pillow.”) Named by GQ as one of its “100 Funniest Things in the History of the Internet," the work of "Alfredo and Antonio Mizretto" has expanded to a whole book, FUDS: A Complete Encyclofoodia (From Tickling Shrimp to Not Dying in a Restaurant). Probably the most complete book ever written on cooking and eating not real food, the book, like the website, is actually written by Kelly Hudson (Thing [...]
Adjusting to ghost life isn't easy.
The first couple of weeks of being dead are definitely the hardest. Being a ghost is something you have to ease into, like a cold pool, or anal, or anal in a cold pool.
Warning: That last one is super difficult. Do not try at home.
At first, you usually take your cue from the movies you saw when you were alive. You might speak in a spooky vibrato voice or hang out in a pottery class. It's all a bit overdramatic and a big clue that you are a newbie to the specter world. My buddy, Barry, calls these "dead giveaways."
Dear Daniel S. Clavers,
We wanted to alert you to some rather large purchases recently charged to your account:
• $400.00 Fine Young Cannibals Biopic Kickstarter
• $500.00 Roland Gift Life-size Mannequin
If you do not recognize these purchases, please contact us immediately at 555-1155.
If this is a joke, then yes, we find it funny.
But seriously, let us know.
Sincerely, Titan Neighborhood Bank
Dear Daniel S. Clavers,
Thank you for responding so speedily to our email. We now understand that these purchases were of your own volition and we respect your decisions. We did not mean to insult you or "spoil the surprise" for the members [...]
Dee-licious! A classic. Buy some fresh green beans from the farmer’s market, grab some kidney and wax beans, add some vinegar, some oil, salt, onions, and you’re good to go!
Well, you’re ambitious. That’s fine, we can do four beans. Just take that recipe from above and root around through your pantry for some garbanzos. If you want to do a four-bean salad, you better have garbanzos. Soak them in the fridge overnight!
Now we’re really leaving our comfort zone. All right, we can do this. Deep breath. How about kidney beans? Wait, we’ve used those. Maybe try black beans? I mean, [...]