An Excerpt from ‘Away with Words,’ by Joe Berkowitz

Please Support the Patreon for ‘McSweeney’s Internet Tendency’

The Complete Oral History of “The Star Spangled Banner” (Fictionalized Slightly for Entertainment Value), by Lucas Gardner

An Excerpt from ‘Man vs. Child: One Dad’s Guide to the Weirdness of Parenting’ by Doug Moe

My Husband Tim, Who Is My Husband, by Jamie Loftus

I’m Sorry That My Self-Driving Car Didn’t Think the Ren Faire Was an Impenetrable Obstacle, by Sarah Hutto

I Stand Vigilant Before Master’s Sarcophagus and Yet Heroes Keep Breaking into His Tomb, by Matt Corluka

The Lunches My Child Has Been Served at School Can’t Possibly Be the Source of His Terrifying Powers, by Cody Ziler

The Movie Pitch for ‘Horse in Motion’ (1878), by Collin Gossel

That’s the Last Time I Plan an Art Heist on Facebook Events, by Bizzy Coy