Splitsider

Posts tagged as humor writing

A Spencer's Gifts Manager Chastises the Staff, by Lucas Gardner

Alright guys, team meeting. Let's make this quick, 'cause we've got some fucking strobe lights to sell.

Listen, I can't be here to manage this Spencer's Gifts all the time, and I need you guys to be able to run things on your own when I'm not around. Quite frankly, this staff ain't up to par right now. Most of you come in late and leave early. Maybe you think I'm not able to see you coming and going when the fog machine is running inside the store, but I've been working in this store for four years and I can basically see right through the fog now.

The Family's New Coat of Arms, by Jake Tuck

Thanks for coming to the unveiling of the new Pepperton family coat of arms, the updated representation of our clan’s history and values. I have personally designed it to both carry on the ancient tradition of our name and account for our place in the modern world.

Back in the old country, heraldic devices helped us promote our family’s brand. The area peasants needed to be able to easily tell who was winning the jousts or commandeering their stocks of grain. Now we can use it for things like family reunion T-shirts, or as a logo for Pepperton Appliances, once a regional retail giant, now a front for Uncle [...]

Thank You For Financing My Diss Track, by Erik Cofer

Mom, Dad, I feel like it's finally time for me to come clean about my latest project. You remember that $20,000 you loaned me six months ago? Well, it wasn't for "paying off gambling debt" like I claimed. The money actually financed a studio-quality recording in which I mercilessly rip the both of you to shreds over sonic layers of flawlessly-mixed hip-hop. In the music community, we call this a "diss track."

Before you rush to judgment, let me just say that this isn't about you. Not entirely, at least. I also recorded diss tracks to my landlord, my former landlords, some guy at Dairy Queen who [...]

The Dead Dog Farm Upstate, by Luke Pohjala

You’ve probably been told it before, sometime in your childhood: “Buster (or any other dumb, thoughtless dog name) had to go to a farm upstate. Don’t cry. He’ll have plenty of room to run around in the fresh air. He’s in a better place now.” By now you’ve realized that was a lie. This probably made you question lots of things your parents told you. Will you really grow big and strong if you eat your vegetables? Do they actually love you? Will we really get there when we get there? The truth is that anything your parents told you was, in some way, a lie.

But I’m here [...]

I Apologize For Your Negative Hotel Experience, by Jon Wolper

Dear Ms. Winters,

Thank you for your letter. Hopefully I can help resolve some of the issues you experienced while staying at our hotel.

As you wrote, your troubles began at night, when you found that our ice machine was empty. Our apologies. We try to run a tight ship, but sometimes things fall through the cracks. I promise to be more vigilant about the ice machine in the future.

After you went back to your room, you began to hear incessant banging coming from the walls and ceiling. Our building is very old, and the walls are thin, so the noises made by other guests were heard clearly. [...]

Family Meeting About Jason, Who is Back From the Dead, by Matthew Johnson

Hello everyone. I'm glad we were all able to make some time in our busy schedules for this family meeting. Are we all comfortable? Did you get a sample of the new baked macaroni that we are going to be taste-testing for dinner Tuesday and Thursday this week? Your sister, my princess-star Lucy, is passing out the agendas for today’s meeting. As you’ll see, we will begin with Opening Remarks and then move on to Greeting and Open Agenda. After that, I’d like us to get to our first item of the day, which is making a switch from Capri Sun pouches to mini-PowerAdes at Blake’s soccer game this [...]

Kale's Agent Convinces It To Do a Soup for Olive Garden, by Steven An

Listen Kale, I know you’re not gonna like this, but it’s a good opportunity, and it’s good pay, and if you do this one then the next one will be something just for you.

Don’t give me that look. Will you just hear me out? Okay, okay. So it’s just a supporting role; everyone knows that you can do a good salad. This is a little different, but it’s something I know you’d still be good in.

Geez, okay. It’s a soup. For Olive Garden.

Come on Kale, that’s nonsense. You gotta do this one! You have to do this one! No one’s gonna think [...]

Would You Like to Buy a Sack of Bees? by Brian Agler

I know you’re here at the farmers market to buy apples, cucumbers, and various produce—but why don’t you come check out what I have to offer.

Yes, just step over the border of the high-school parking lot, where the rules and regulations of the farmers market don’t apply. I promise you, it will be worth it.

What I’m selling is organic, locally sourced, and better than anything you’ll find in your normal supermarket.

It’s a sack of bees! Angry, excitable bees that you can take home, today! No no, don’t go! Don’t worry, I tied the sack up real tight. The bees won’t get out.

[...]

NASA's Response to a Child Prodigy, by Ian Abramson

Dear Sammy,

Let me be the first to say how impressed we here at NASA were to receive such an ambitious spaceship design from a six-year-old. The details in your blueprints would have been impressive for a 12-year-old prodigy, let alone a six-year-old prodigy.

While we were deeply impressed with your innovative use of solar panels, we did have a few notes that we thought would strengthen your overall design. Please understand we aren't just writing to criticize. In fact, take this as a sure sign that we want to put your rocket in space as quickly as we can. We expect to get it in [...]

The Real Israeli-Palestinian Crisis is My Lack of Knowledge About it, by Evan Waite

My ignorance of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict shows no signs of stopping, and is from all indications worse than ever. It’s time to take a good, hard look at how uninformed I am.

Just this week, I heard someone say that the death toll rose in Gaza after Israel escalated its air assault. Whatever side of this conflict you find yourself on, I think we can all agree it is truly heartbreaking that I don’t understand what the term “Gaza” means.

Is it some sort of army base? Or a mythical mountain where the gold is hidden? I’m pretty sure it’s not underwater.

Left unchecked, the repercussions of this ignorance [...]

Son, This ‘Monopoly’ Investment Scheme Is No Substitute For a Steady Job, by Adam Bertocci

Son, we need to have a little talk.

I had someone in my office review your contract. Put bluntly, I have severe reservations about your accepting this job. The obvious concern is your salary. $200 as a base is meaningless without a schedule. If you’re only paid for passing Go, with no guarantees of how often that occurs, then you’re really on commission.

Your mother and I are both, frankly, relieved to see evidence of some gainful employment for you. But companies claiming to offer a salaried position that subsequently treat you as a "permalancer" should be viewed with suspicion. Are you aware that they are not withholding income [...]

A Politician Applies For a Job at McDonald's, by Ben Godar

I am here to announce my application for the position of line cook at this McDonald’s location. You don’t know me, so let me take a moment to introduce myself. There are a few things that set me apart from the other candidates hovering in the lobby and sipping complimentary fountain drinks.

First and foremost, I am a fast food outsider. I did not graduate from McDonald’s University. I have never set foot in one of these places, or any fast food restaurant for that matter. What that means is, I won’t just come in here and accept business-as-usual. I will ask questions. Why do we need to empty [...]

Is He Marriage Material, or Is He a Herman Miller Aeron Chair? by Thomas Scott

Is there anything worse than spending time with a guy who at the end of the day just isn’t interested in a serious commitment? Actually, there is: dating a guy who isn’t interested in existing with you on any real plane of consciousness, because he’s a luxury brand office chair. Here are some helpful pointers to make sure you don’t make that mistake!

Tip #1: Google his name.

Before you even go out on date, do a quick search. A name alone can sometimes give you an idea of his character. If his name is Herman, be a little cautious. If his given name is Miller, [...]

Learn All About Print Humor with Writers from 'The New Yorker,' 'GQ,' 'Vanity Fair,' and More

If you're interested in writing humor or writing about humor, there's a two-day event at the PIT in New York this month called the Humber Print Humor Workshop that's set to be packed with comedy writing experts. The event takes place October 18th and 19th and includes several panel discussions and author Q&A sessions with agents, editors, authors, and bloggers who know a thing or two about the world of print humor. Poking a Dead Frog writer Mike Sacks will be moderating several panels — including one with Splitsider's own Adam Frucci — and other writers from Cracked, Vulture, Wired, GQ, and more. To check out the [...]