Splitsider

Posts tagged as humor writing

Comments That a Professor Wrote in the Margins of One of My Essays, by Ryan Max Riley

• History is a construct, an invention of scholars really, so here I’d put instead of history: events in the so-called past.

• I think it’s fairly certain that primitive people were scared of the sun. You can go ahead and state this boldly.

• By the way, are you dating Jennifer, from class? Remember that the emergence of monogamy was a medieval legal convenience.

• This passage seems to have been written by a smarter person. This is not intended as criticism.

• This reminds me of the mapping of 17th-century Tokyo.

Derek For Boyfriend, 2013: Test Slogans, by Grant Catton

This November, when you go to the polls, vote Derek Ferguson for Boyfriend. Derek is a young man who…

Knows the local IPAs.

Agrees that big weddings are outdated.

Always has cutting-edge facial hair.

Will go to brunch with you and all your friends…even when he’s super hungover.

Owns and often uses a typewriter…to write actual letters.

Reads all the right pop-culture blogs…but not before you do.

Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY) On Being Repeatedly Mistaken for Actor Tim Roth, by Scott Eckert

It always happens the same way. I'm minding my business when, suddenly, a shout: "Look! It's Tim Roth!!!"

No. For once and for all, no. I am not Tim Roth. I am Senator Mitch McConnell.

I guess Tim Roth and I share a passing resemblance. People say we look alike. But it's starting to get old. Every day it's, "I loved you in Reservoir Dogs!" or, "Boy did you deserve that Best Supporting Actor nomination for Rob Roy!" or, "Dude, you're the British Guy in Pulp Fiction! Honey Bunny Guy!" I'm not. I'm United States Senate Minority Leader Guy. I'm Relentlessly Filibuster Executive and Judicial Appointments Guy.

Even as someone who isn't Tim Roth's [...]

This No Weapons Rumble is a Sham, by David Henne

And how’re brass knuckles out but live-tweeting’s in?

Sharing 140 strategic characters with your preppie chums, in real time? Posting Vines on how to properly full nelson unsuspecting Greasers? Sounds plenty weaponized to me.

Naturally our gang ain’t savvy on Socs media.

Now if MySpace blogging were still permitted, we’d be aces. Ain’t a crew around can beat a Grease blogging. Give us a pack of Lucky Strikes and we’d knock off 200 pages about tough Stingray cruisers and gold n' silver sunsets, no sweat.

Wasn’t long ago you could blog, swing bicycle chains and wield busted pop bottles—all in open-toed shoes. And if your beef was with a [...]

McSweeney’s Cease and Desist, by Jordan Lints

McSweeney’s 849 Valencia St. San Francisco, CA 94110 USA

Sept. 1, 2013

Jordan Lints REDACTED REDACTED USA

Dear Mr. Lints:

We are writing to notify you that McSweeney’s will no longer be accepting any submissions you send for publication on their website, Quarterly magazine, Believer magazine, Wholphin (we don’t think you know what this is), or any other platforms of publication created in the past, present, or future. Accordingly, you are hereby directed to

CEASE AND DESIST ALL SUBMISSIONS TO MCSWEENEY’S

Michael Cera Delves Into His Texting Past in 'The New Yorker'

"Jeremy, a man I am no longer in touch with, was someone I once considered a friend. It started out very simply: one day I received a text message from a phone number I did not recognize. Intrigued, I replied, and thus began an intimate and illuminating correspondence."

- Shouts & Murmurs in this week's New Yorker comes from none other than Michael Cera, about an actor named "Michael Cera" who ends up involved in a strangely beautiful text message relationship.

21st Century Orson Welles (1985-2013), by Joel Straley

On the timeline of an alternate Universe much like our own, Orson Welles did not die on October 10, 1985, but was in fact born for the first time. After a suburban childhood, Welles left to travel Europe. His father’s death left him an inheritance that allowed him to become another trust fund millennial taking up all the good spots in the hostels.

Once returning to the United States, he made a home in a five-bedroom loft in New York City, technically Bushwick. Europe had given him a love a theatre, so as soon as he could he joined a short-form improv group. They specialized in performing Shakespeare but [...]

Letter to the TSA, by Roger Taylor

Dear TSA,

I must take issue with your rules about the transportation of liquids, posted on your website and at airports around the country. As the President, CEO, and CFO of Spivak’s SealSaks, I feel your mention of “Ziploc©” bags, rather than a generic equivalent, creates an undue and unfair competitive advantage.

The TSA does not otherwise show corporate favoritism. The various warnings and decrees issued by your agency do not specifically mention Boeing planes or Delta flights or AirJohn toilets. Why Ziploc©? I feel this arbitrary and inconsiderate decision has much to do with Spivak’s SealSaks currently controlling only .02% of the market (mostly in Walla Walla, where [...]

Jasper Tries to Pass Off 473 Subscriptions to 'Lowrider Magazine,' by Pablo Goldstein

Jasper, step into my office.

Now, I realize the student body has gone a little bonkers over the annual magazine subscription fundraiser. This year we really tried hard to round up some great prizes that would encourage you all to give it the ol’ Robert La Follette Middle School try. But in the rush to sell the most magazines, I'm afraid some students haven't been totally honest.

I’ll get right to the point. Jasper, I don’t think you actually sold 473 subscriptions of Lowrider Magazine.

At first I thought, “Maybe he filled out the form incorrectly. He probably sold 47 subscriptions of the magazine that celebrates the underground scene that rose from the Chicano Movement of the late 1960s, [...]

Your Custom Headstone Does Not Meet Our Standards, by David Guzman

Dear Sir,

Bloomington Cemetery very much appreciates your business, and we are pleased to see clients who have the foresight to plan ahead for their final resting place. With that said, we regret to inform you that the headstone you propose to have at your recently purchased burial plot does not meet our cemetery's standards and regulations. Although we understand the need to individualize your grave marker, we must decline your custom designed headstone because of following reasons:

• We cannot engrave a headstone with five dates of birth for one person.

• The font style you created for your inscriptions, Detroit Sans Serif, is illegible on both paper [...]

A Bit of Clarification on Your 'Bad Dudes' Mission, by Ben Godar

We want to clarify the mission we laid out in our first transmission, which consisted only of:

“The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a Bad enough Dude to rescue the President?”

In hindsight, that probably raised more questions than it answered. But as you might imagine, things are pretty intense around here, what with The President having been kidnapped by ninjas and all. Let me provide more details and hopefully clarify the operation you are about to undertake.

Your mission will consist of walking in a straight line from left to right, defeating any enemies you encounter along the way. Satellite surveillance suggests that often you [...]

A FASTidious Credit Report, by Jake Tuck

Dear Landlord,

We at FASTidious Credit Reporting have reviewed the credit history of your prospective tenant, Glen Hodge, and offer this prompt report. First, we should say that Mr. Hodge has an ostensibly stellar credit history. By the standard scoring method, he received an “excellent” score of 830. He pays all his credit cards and bills on time, save one instance when he was hospitalized after attempting to save an elderly man from a burning house. So his credit is, on the surface, largely immaculate. However, we at FASTidious do not like surface impressions, such as that of the sun in a calm lake; underneath, the lake may contain [...]

An Imagined Monologue By the Disappointed Editor of 'Penthouse Forum,' by Tim Eberle

Mr. Carlson, I assume? Please, come in and have a seat.

Mr. Carlson, although the dictates of modern propriety obligate me to thank you for coming in today, I must assure you that, of the surfeit of emotions your presence has today initiated, gratitude is certainly not among the foremost. Quite the opposite, in fact. You may perhaps be wondering why, then, would I have gone to the considerable trouble of arranging today’s little tete-a-tete, when doing so would be sure to cause me no small degree of aggravation, and would, in fact, cause me to disregard other pursuits of an irrefutably higher necessity and an undeniably greater worth. [...]

High School Crush, by Blythe Roberson

Alex Semmelmeyer is my future husband but since he’s the punter of the football team he’s too busy to know I exist! But that’s OK because here’s what I did today to make him realize I was born and one day he’s going to raise four babies with me:

• I stood outside his Bio class and when he walked out I talked really loudly about Peyton Manning so he would be interested and look in my direction.

• I stuffed notes in his locker that were anonymous but were in my really distinct poetic voice.

• I stood outside his Gov class and talked really loudly about Archie [...]