GEORGIA DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS – EAST DIVISION D-39 INMATE No. 57073
Welcome, new inmates!
On your first day in this state correctional facility, you’re likely to feel a great deal of pressure to prove yourself quickly. New inmates typically assume that if they don’t immediately earn the acceptance of, say, the Aryan Brotherhood, Mara Salvatrucha, or the Al-Qaeda Alumni Network, they’ll most certainly spend the rest of their sentences getting gang-raped in the showers.
It’s like high school all over again!
That said, coming from the biggest, meanest-looking guy in the prison yard, please, don’t walk up and punch me in the face.
I get it. You’re trying to [...]
Perfect! Just perfect! And here I thought we were finally in the clear. After all, we managed to escape from that abandoned warehouse and outrun those Mafia goons for 16 blocks. But just when it seemed like our getaway was assured, we run right smack dab into the middle of this massive Chinese New Year Parade.
How the heck are we supposed to find a way out of here?
I mean, can you believe our luck? Like we didn't have it hard enough already today, untying ourselves from those chairs and climbing through that air duct. Now we're standing in the middle of Chinatown amidst a massive street festival [...]
Mark your calendars, runners. Don’t miss out on the newest, most challenging, and inventive races yet.
The Urban Obstacler: Running eight miles is hard enough, but now throw in simulated real-life automobile traffic, startled pedestrians, furious outdoor vendors, unfazed homeless people, and a completely unmarked course. And while we don’t have actors dressed up as zombies chasing you, watch out for our very convincing police officers trying to stop you to ask about permits. Just remember, no matter what happens, don’t give them any information about to whom you paid your entry fee. That is automatic disqualification!
The Quicksand Scamper: 200 of the area’s most adventurous runners; 10 kilometers of [...]
Your sword was personally forged by Akio Taguchi in the village of Tobishima. Enclosed you will find the certificate of authenticity. Now that you own a katana, there are certain traditions you must upkeep. Below is a list of the rules you are required to follow:
• You must have a ponytail. “But what if I’m balding in the front?” Especially if you’re balding in the front.
• You must display your katana on top of a leaning bookshelf located next to a glow-in-the-dark dragon poster.
• You must have a pre-approved katana-owner name. Please refer to the attached list of accepted names, which includes, but is not limited [...]