“A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey, why the long face?’ So the horse says, ‘Because I am an alcoholic, and my body has been ravaged by the long-term effects of drinking. Please, help me.’” – Splitsider contributor Brian Boone has modernized old jokes for McSweeneys. He explains finally what's really black and white and red [sic] all over.
Dear fellow residents of 1928 Wolcott Avenue,
As president of the 1928 Wolcott Condo Association, I feel it is my responsibility to address a couple items that may potentially concern some of you. Firstly, we are all well aware that there have been some problems getting the front gate to close properly; I went ahead and sprayed the hinges with WD-40 earlier this morning, and this seems to have done the trick. Secondly, it has come to my attention that it may be time to rethink modeling our condo association after the yakuza.
While it may have seemed like a good idea to organize according to the traditional [...]
Good afternoon fellow patients, esteemed counselors, Nancy from the front desk.
First of all, I would like to say "thank you." It is an incredible privilege for me to stand before you today — or, should I say, amongst you in this circular arrangement of fold-out chairs — and reflect on the past six weeks I have spent learning from and growing with you. This coin, emblazoned with “Life is about the journey, not the destination” on one side and the Walmart smiley face on the other, is burning joy-holes in my palm and heart. Soon we will go around the circle and each of you will speak [...]
Dear [Friend Name],
Hey, [Buddy/Dude/You]. I know we haven’t seen much of each other since you began working on [Show Name], and [Bar Show Formerly Produced Together] hasn’t been doing too great, but I wanted to let you know how proud I am of you.
When you and I both auditioned for [Show Name], who could have known who they would have picked? Maybe you? Maybe me? It was up in the air, and the choice must have been very difficult for [Casting Director Name] who called up both of our managers and asked to see us both on the same showcase because of our comparable talent. We both [...]
“Dance like the photo’s never going to be tagged; Love like you’ve never been defriended; Tweet like no one’s following.”
-Henry David Thoreau
Romantic, isn’t it? Tweet as you will, if you actually had zero followers it would be hard not to let yourself straighten out a curve on the Pacific Coast Highway and plummet blissfully down onto the rocky cliffs below, where at least you’d feel something.
Admit it, it’s fine, you want followers. How many? How many is enough? 200,000? Well as the saying goes, “if you want 200,000 followers, follow 200,000 auto follow-back robots.” But some of us want humans to like us too, and that’s [...]
1. CALL TO ORDER / PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG. Mayor Griffiths arrived late due to traffic caused by the monstrous crater in the middle of town. Meeting called to order at 6:07pm. The Pledge of Allegiance was briefly interrupted by uncontrollable acidic vomiting from Councilman Nadine.
2. ROLL CALL: Present were Mayor Griffiths and Councilmen Nadine and Gorbinski, County Health Commissioner Nichols, and an undulating green sac of sentient fluid that used to be Town Treasurer Russo.
3. WELCOME: Mayor Griffiths welcomed residents and assured them that this meeting would address any concerns they have about Thursday's meteor strike and its aftereffects. He also asked that everyone [...]
ZADES EXTREME CRIME BLOTTER!
09/10 – Intersection of Grand and Bonnaview, 12:17 AM
Four youths attacked Zades with sticks while he was returning from the Tinee Giant convenience store. He dropped a Tombstone pizza, but was lucky not to drop BOTH Tombstone pizzas! The youths ran away with some yells from Zades following after them. One of the pants on them was yellow. Zades got some dirt on his cheek. No big deal.
09/10 – Break Room of Rainboe Foods, 2:00 PM
Apparently someone been stashing bulk bin candies up in the ceiling tiles. When Damen Hark was making his instant soup a bunch come crashing down on him. [...]
It feels like your comedy is so much cooler than mine.
You've never done an open mic before. Instead you did Fez. You did Luna Lounge. You did the old Largo. You did Eating It. You did Invite Them Up. You did Tinkle. You did Rififi. You did Comedy Death Ray. You did Big Terrific. You did Meltdown Comics before it was mainstream. Now you do your own secret show in the back supply closet of a bankrupt old record store that only sells really cool records.
You referenced Das Racist in one of your jokes and got lots of nods and smirks of audience recognition. You [...]
Are you the heroic type? You might just need the right opportunity to prove yourself. Or maybe you'd make the perfect victim. Take this quiz to find out!
1. You are having dinner in a nice-type restaurant with your date. Suddenly armed robbers burst in, waving shotguns. "Everybody put their hands in the air!" bellows the leader. "We're here for the stew — and we'll take your valuables as well!" Do you: A: Say "Yes, sir" in a sniveling little voice, and put your hands in the air B: Blink stupidly at them, remaining in a frozen position even as the leader comes over yelling and hits you [...]
You probably won't get any useful advice out of Megan Amram's stain removal article in this month's Vice, but that's OK. There's more to life than stain removal, such as complete insanity: "Either way, fashion is a big part of this season. It’s always 'Who are you wearing?' this and 'Where did you get your two top hats that were made for worms?' that and 'Ma’am, are you kissing a bee?' this and 'Ma’am, are you open-mouth-kissing that bee?' that. But, IMHO opinion, experts are neglecting the most important part of fashion: the part where you DON’T HAVE STAINS ON ANYTHING. That’s not an acronym, I’M JUST MAD."
