Splitsider

Posts tagged as luke burns

Ask the Existentially Troubled Housekeeping Expert, by Luke Burns

It feels like no matter how hard I work, I just can’t get the dining room to stay clean. Do you have any strategies that might help me stay on top of the mess?

—A.I., Oswego, NY

It sounds like your real struggle is not with the breadcrumbs on the floor, or the jelly stuck to the tablecloth, but with entropy itself! Your messy dining area is just one sign of the inexorable decay that will only end with the heat death of the universe. Here’s a hint: Try to avoid realizing that in the grand scheme of things, all struggles are pointless — especially your attempts to keep [...]

FAQ: Common Misconceptions About the Fire Department, by Brian Agler and Luke Burns

Q: So what exactly is this “fire department”? I’ve heard a lot about it and I’m not sure it’s right for me.

A: The fire department is an organization that puts out fires. If your house is on fire, you should call the fire department.

 

Q: It sounds like the fire department starts fires. Are you sure the fire department doesn’t bring fire to my house? The last thing I need is someone coming here and giving me fire.

A: Despite the name, the fire department actually removes fire from your home. Think of it as an “anti-fire department” if that makes it easier. Rest assured, the fire department [...]

You May Already Be a Winner of the Future, by Luke Burns

“The president and his team have been focused on a single message since the State of the Union, even repeating his new catch phrase — ‘winning the future’ — repeatedly at every event.” – The Times

Those of us on the president’s team have been getting a lot of questions lately about what we mean when we say that we are focused on winning the future. People want to know: What do we get for winning the future? Does the competition for the future have rules? How exactly does one “win the future,” anyway? You see, it’s tricky because there are a lot of different ways to answer these [...]