McSweeney's has a list of abandoned jokes from the Bob's Burgers writer's room today. They're all facts about Australia that didn't make it an episode, like "If you’re having a waffle, you say you’re going on a waffle-bout" and "Paul Hogan personally awakens all Australian citizens each morning."
It's a good thing I enjoy humor because, if I had to estimate, I'd put the number of humor pieces I've read this year somewhere in the low thousands. As a fan — and as someone who's numb to the embarrassment that comes with laughing aloud while riding public transportation — I imagine I'd have read some fraction of these just for fun. But as someone who’s had the privilege of editing Splitsider's Humor Section for the past nine months and compiling the list below (who am I kidding? tl;dr), I’ve been overwhelmed in the best way possible by the volume and quality of the humorists populating the [...]
McSweeney's republished it's classic seasonal piece "It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers" today. If you are unfamiliar, you really should get on board: I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it [...]
A Hot Air Balloon Captain Addresses His Crew On the Eve of a Very Important Hot Air Balloon Race: "Point is, this ain't hot air balloon racing like they taught you in kindergarten. This is the kind of blood-drinking, eye-gouging, no-holds-barred balloon racing that motherfuckers have nightmares about. We WILL be sabotaging balloons on the ground, we WILL be sniping at rival teams with rifles in the air, and we WILL be crossing that finish line first tomorrow. You see this necklace of ears that I'm wearing? Do you think I got it by following the International Balloon Association's Sportsmanship Guidelines? Guess again, dicklips."
"It wasn’t long into the show before the performers exposed themselves as the deadbeat hacks I now know them to be. Immediately after the perfunctory introductions of the cast, the ringleader of this circus of disappointment stepped forward and asked for an object with which they would begin the first scene. This was the moment I’d been waiting for; knowing well that the art of improvisation relies on useful audience generated suggestions, I’d spent the earlier part of the evening brainstorming some top quality objects, locations, and relationships with which to aide these improvisers in their craft. After the request for an object had scarce left the lips of the [...]
Writing Your Sitcom Pilot, Chapter 1: The Scene Where The Sexy Female Lead Is Caught Naked, by Zhubin Parang: "It is no accident that this scene is ubiquitous in sitcoms. Television reflects life, and being trapped nude in public is a near-daily occurrence for a sexy female, whether she is waving to a cute boy on the beach just as a wave rips off her bikini top, or undressing at home just as all her friends leap into the room for a surprise party. Your sexy female lead must have similar experiences, or else the character will be dismissed as an unrelatable caricature."
Today on McSweeney's, The Artist Plays Basketball: "Anyway, what I'm working on, my current project, right here, while I collect the ball against the fence, that shot was close, though shooting the ball is such a harsh idea, I'd like to challenge it—what I'm working on here is a kind of post-studio practice, and I'd like to involve the community in some way, though not like the other day, when I had to chase away those neighborhood kids when they tried to steal my keys and wallet off the ground, but in a different way. Though maybe if I videotaped myself, chasing away those kids? And if the audience [...]
“It’s like cartwheeling naked through a cactus field." – Grover Cleveland, "What It's Like Being President, Metaphorically Speaking" on McSweeney's. This President's Day, find out how your favorite Prez would describe his job, using metaphors.
Today on McSweeney's, A Message from a TSA Full-Body Scanner: "For nearly a decade, lightly-trained TSA employees have been forced to estimate—to guess, really—your penis size, based on such factors as height, weight, walking style, and disposition. Frankly, that's asking them to do the impossible. It gratifies me to think that millions of travelers will now be able to fly just a little bit easier, secure in the knowledge of their newly complete and accurate TSA profiles—all thanks to my precise genital scans. Length, girth, heft, and any major identifying characteristics. Everything but the color; this is America, and we don't do that here."
Today on McSweeneys, I Am the Orson Welles of Powerpoint: "No two of my PowerPoints are the same. While I have yet to craft my Citizen Kane, I consider the PowerPoint I gave at the conference in Atlanta last year to be my Taxi Driver. The regional sales meeting in Denver was my Ishtar. And right now I'm experimenting with 3D technology to create a visually immersive PowerPoint experience that will rival the cinematic wizardry of James Cameron's Avatar."
