Splitsider

Posts tagged as mortality

Angels Trade the Cruel Passage of Time to the Cubs for a Reminder of Your Own Mortality, by Pablo Goldstein

ESPN’s Tim Kurkjian reports that the Anaheim Angels have traded minor league infielder Matt Scioscia to the Chicago Cubs for outfielder Trevor Gretzky.

Gretzky, the son of hockey legend Wayne Gretzky and an abrupt reminder of how little time you have left in your short, insignificant life, was selected in the seventh round of the 2011 First-Year Player Draft. The left-hander is expected to start for the Inland Empire 66ers where he will bat 5th in the lineup and emphasize the coming winter of your existence.

Scioscia, the son of longtime Angels manager and former big-league catcher Mike Scioscia, will make his debut for the Boise Hawks later this year. While the infielder [...]

So Funny I Died: How Laughing Can and Will Kill You

INT. SUBURBS – DAY – A CHILD’S PARTY

We see a FANCY CLOWN from the perspective of the SEATED CHILDREN, all dressed in suits and floral prints.  A string quartet is out of view. The SEATED CHILDREN laugh politely at the balloon animals and seltzer water. They are too old for this and would prefer to be sexting, but they are still intrigued by the plight of the struggling artist.

Suddenly RANDY, the birthday boy, erupts into hysterical laughter. The other SEATED CHILDREN support his move and begin to laugh harder, but they can’t match his intensity. Laughter overtakes his whole body, and he falls from his chair, flailing. Ambient mirth turns [...]