I must take issue with your rules about the transportation of liquids, posted on your website and at airports around the country. As the President, CEO, and CFO of Spivak’s SealSaks, I feel your mention of “Ziploc©” bags, rather than a generic equivalent, creates an undue and unfair competitive advantage.
The TSA does not otherwise show corporate favoritism. The various warnings and decrees issued by your agency do not specifically mention Boeing planes or Delta flights or AirJohn toilets. Why Ziploc©? I feel this arbitrary and inconsiderate decision has much to do with Spivak’s SealSaks currently controlling only .02% of the market (mostly in Walla Walla, where [...]
Dear Sirs or Madames at ESPN,
With the NFL season over I think it may be time to reconsider your approach to branding Monday Night Football. Simply put, America misses the dancing and singing Guitarman who announces the things that will happen in the upcoming game while wearing sunglasses. I understand your probable reticence, as your last Guitarman was a hateful monster. Which is why I’m writing you to offer my service as America’s new Monday Night Football Song and Dance Man. I assure you I hate no one but myself and am very good at predicting the happenings of a typical Monday Night Football evening. Please find my [...]
To: The Lonely Island, Inc. From: Abraham Riesman, analyst Subject: Acknowledging your children Priority: Urgent
Messrs. Andy, Jorm, and Kiv—
We need to talk about Incredibad.
First off, congratulations — your debut masterpiece turns two on Friday. It remains that rarest of jewels: a comedy album comprised of original songs that you can find yourself humming during idle moments alone.
But you guys have to take some ownership. You’ve been neglectful parents to some of your jams.