Splitsider

Posts tagged as open letters

The Humor Section

Pardon the Construction: Our Plastic Surgery Clinic Is Undergoing a Face Lift, by Jeremy Blachman

by | March 25th, 2013

Attention Patients:

Please accept our apologies for the condition of our waiting room and interior offices. Although we pride ourselves on our appearance, you may have noticed that our wallpaper is beginning to buckle, our bookshelves are starting to sag, and our upholstery has suffered a bit of discoloration. Just a little, but small problems can lead to bigger ones. Which is why we must apologize for the inconvenience as our plastic surgery clinic undergoes a face lift.

We'll be pulling the rug as tight as we can, and turning the walls a completely different color than they currently are. We'll also be injecting some material from the couch [...]

The Humor Section

My Anxiety Sends a Letter, by Andi Sharavsky

by | January 28th, 2013

Dear Ms. Sharavsky,

It has been brought to my attention that at exactly 11:03 pm, after calling your mother, moisturizing your face, and paying your monthly student loan bill, you folded the final item of your clean laundry. You have therefore temporarily exhausted your list of mundane tasks and concerns, and are undoubtedly eager for a restful night of sleep. Instead, please choose one of the following irrational fears and allow it to consume you. Please keep in mind that you will not be reimbursed for the cost of counseling or marijuana, and your roommates have issued a formal statement that checking you for swollen glands makes them feel [...]

The Humor Section

"Football Monday's Comin' to Your Town on Monday Night," My Attempt at a New Monday Night Football Song, by Cullen Crawford

by | March 4th, 2013

Dear Sirs or Madames at ESPN,

With the NFL season over I think it may be time to reconsider your approach to branding Monday Night Football. Simply put, America misses the dancing and singing Guitarman who announces the things that will happen in the upcoming game while wearing sunglasses. I understand your probable reticence, as your last Guitarman was a hateful monster.  Which is why I’m writing you to offer my service as America’s new Monday Night Football Song and Dance Man. I assure you I hate no one but myself and am very good at predicting the happenings of a typical Monday Night Football evening. Please find my [...]

Music

An Open Letter to The Lonely Island on the Cusp of Incredibad's Second Anniversary

by | February 7th, 2012

To: The Lonely Island, Inc. From: Abraham Riesman, analyst Subject: Acknowledging your children Priority: Urgent

Messrs. Andy, Jorm, and Kiv—

We need to talk about Incredibad.

First off, congratulations — your debut masterpiece turns two on Friday. It remains that rarest of jewels: a comedy album comprised of original songs that you can find yourself humming during idle moments alone.

But you guys have to take some ownership. You’ve been neglectful parents to some of your jams.

The Humor Section

If the Zhou Dynasty Is to Continue, We Musn't Fall Into a "Hilariously Wallow in Our Awkwardness" Cultural Implosion, by Liz Arcury

by | February 25th, 2013

A pleading letter from a palace servant, Liu, to King Huan, his ruler and king of the Zhou Dynasty, 700 B.C.

My Lord,

I know that I am simply a humble palace servant. There are thousands of us. But I feel I must break hierarchical standards and sneak you this letter. I am writing to warn you of our kingdom’s impending cultural doom. Please do not disregard this.

I have started to notice something odd in the town square. This morning, for example, I spotted a young man and a young woman walking toward each other in front of the fish market. As they were about to pass each [...]

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