Splitsider

Posts tagged as open letters

I Apologize For Your Negative Hotel Experience, by Jon Wolper

Dear Ms. Winters,

Thank you for your letter. Hopefully I can help resolve some of the issues you experienced while staying at our hotel.

As you wrote, your troubles began at night, when you found that our ice machine was empty. Our apologies. We try to run a tight ship, but sometimes things fall through the cracks. I promise to be more vigilant about the ice machine in the future.

After you went back to your room, you began to hear incessant banging coming from the walls and ceiling. Our building is very old, and the walls are thin, so the noises made by other guests were heard clearly. [...]

A Note From the Principal About the Myths of Santa Claus and Democracy, by Ben Godar

Dear Teachers and Staff,

It's that time of year when students begin asking questions about Santa Claus. Some are believers, some are doubters, and when they come together…watch out! My suggestion is to treat the idea of Santa much like you would the idea of our democracy—a pleasing notion that some take comfort in (even if it's not real!).

Students will bring in all kinds of legends from their families.  Some will believe Santa carries a magic key that unlocks any door. Others will believe elections represent the will of the people. It's important not to question these obviously fraudulent ideas and let their parents decide when they are [...]

Letter to the TSA, by Roger Taylor

Dear TSA,

I must take issue with your rules about the transportation of liquids, posted on your website and at airports around the country. As the President, CEO, and CFO of Spivak’s SealSaks, I feel your mention of “Ziploc©” bags, rather than a generic equivalent, creates an undue and unfair competitive advantage.

The TSA does not otherwise show corporate favoritism. The various warnings and decrees issued by your agency do not specifically mention Boeing planes or Delta flights or AirJohn toilets. Why Ziploc©? I feel this arbitrary and inconsiderate decision has much to do with Spivak’s SealSaks currently controlling only .02% of the market (mostly in Walla Walla, where [...]

"Football Monday's Comin' to Your Town on Monday Night," My Attempt at a New Monday Night Football Song, by Cullen Crawford

Dear Sirs or Madames at ESPN,

With the NFL season over I think it may be time to reconsider your approach to branding Monday Night Football. Simply put, America misses the dancing and singing Guitarman who announces the things that will happen in the upcoming game while wearing sunglasses. I understand your probable reticence, as your last Guitarman was a hateful monster.  Which is why I’m writing you to offer my service as America’s new Monday Night Football Song and Dance Man. I assure you I hate no one but myself and am very good at predicting the happenings of a typical Monday Night Football evening. Please find my [...]

An Open Letter to The Lonely Island on the Cusp of Incredibad's Second Anniversary

To: The Lonely Island, Inc. From: Abraham Riesman, analyst Subject: Acknowledging your children Priority: Urgent

Messrs. Andy, Jorm, and Kiv—

We need to talk about Incredibad.

First off, congratulations — your debut masterpiece turns two on Friday. It remains that rarest of jewels: a comedy album comprised of original songs that you can find yourself humming during idle moments alone.

But you guys have to take some ownership. You’ve been neglectful parents to some of your jams.

Letter to My Husband as He Tries to French Kiss Me, by Devorah Blachor

Dear Sweetheart,

Gosh, it’s been a long day, hasn’t it? I’m beat. If I closed my eyes right now, I’d fall into Stage 4 sleep and stay there until someone shook me so violently that I’d wake up and say something crazy in a panic-stricken voice like, “Where are the elbow pipettes?”

Let me say that it’s so great to know that you’re still attracted to me. It makes all the hours we spend guessing which of our couple friends still have good sex even more entertaining. Remember when we started dating and you used to spontaneously massage the arches of my feet because you claimed you enjoyed it? [...]

The Complete Guide to Everything: Open Letters

This week Tim discusses having to find a new chiropractor who isn’t a racist, and his extensive collection of swords and letter openers. The idea of the Joker surrounding himself with henchmen with heart conditions is dissected before moving onto the main topic: Open Letters.

We discuss a man’s open letter to a restaurant demanding an employee be fired for not letting him wear his $1,500 creep toy as well as Sinead O’Connor’s open letter to Miley Cyrus. We also solve a listener problem concerning being on the other end of unrequited love while trying not to ruin Christmas for everyone.

This week's episode is brought to you [...]

Yes, I Screwed Up With My Genie Wishes and I'm Sorry, by Chris Morgan

Dear People of Earth,

Look, I get it. Quite frankly, I’m angry with myself, too. I think the constant egging of my house is a bit much, but I understand where the disappointment comes from. It’s extremely rare for somebody to find a genie lamp, let alone for somebody to have the mental wherewithal to rub it. It was like winning the lottery for me. Trust me, I realized all the good I could do for the world with my wishes. I’m not an asshole, no matter what your e-mails, tweets, and sky-written messages say. If you give me the chance to explain myself, perhaps we can reach some [...]

If the Zhou Dynasty Is to Continue, We Musn't Fall Into a "Hilariously Wallow in Our Awkwardness" Cultural Implosion, by Liz Arcury

A pleading letter from a palace servant, Liu, to King Huan, his ruler and king of the Zhou Dynasty, 700 B.C.

My Lord,

I know that I am simply a humble palace servant. There are thousands of us. But I feel I must break hierarchical standards and sneak you this letter. I am writing to warn you of our kingdom’s impending cultural doom. Please do not disregard this.

I have started to notice something odd in the town square. This morning, for example, I spotted a young man and a young woman walking toward each other in front of the fish market. As they were about to pass each [...]

A Letter from the Biggest, Meanest-Looking Guy in the Prison Yard, by Erik Voss

GEORGIA DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS – EAST DIVISION D-39 INMATE No. 57073

Welcome, new inmates!

On your first day in this state correctional facility, you’re likely to feel a great deal of pressure to prove yourself quickly. New inmates typically assume that if they don’t immediately earn the acceptance of, say, the Aryan Brotherhood, Mara Salvatrucha, or the Al-Qaeda Alumni Network, they’ll most certainly spend the rest of their sentences getting gang-raped in the showers.

It’s like high school all over again!

That said, coming from the biggest, meanest-looking guy in the prison yard, please, don’t walk up and punch me in the face.

I get it. You’re trying to [...]

Tim & Eric Wrote Open Letters to Each Other, Totally Not a Publicity Stunt

Since it's open letter season, comedy duo Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim both recently wrote open letters back and forth to each other. Check out Tim's letter here, and Eric's here. This definitely is not a move to promote their new Adult Swim show, Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories, no matter how many times they mention the show.

Pardon the Construction: Our Plastic Surgery Clinic Is Undergoing a Face Lift, by Jeremy Blachman

Attention Patients:

Please accept our apologies for the condition of our waiting room and interior offices. Although we pride ourselves on our appearance, you may have noticed that our wallpaper is beginning to buckle, our bookshelves are starting to sag, and our upholstery has suffered a bit of discoloration. Just a little, but small problems can lead to bigger ones. Which is why we must apologize for the inconvenience as our plastic surgery clinic undergoes a face lift.

We'll be pulling the rug as tight as we can, and turning the walls a completely different color than they currently are. We'll also be injecting some material from the couch [...]

My Anxiety Sends a Letter, by Andi Sharavsky

Dear Ms. Sharavsky,

It has been brought to my attention that at exactly 11:03 pm, after calling your mother, moisturizing your face, and paying your monthly student loan bill, you folded the final item of your clean laundry. You have therefore temporarily exhausted your list of mundane tasks and concerns, and are undoubtedly eager for a restful night of sleep. Instead, please choose one of the following irrational fears and allow it to consume you. Please keep in mind that you will not be reimbursed for the cost of counseling or marijuana, and your roommates have issued a formal statement that checking you for swollen glands makes them feel [...]