GEORGIA DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS – EAST DIVISION D-39 INMATE No. 57073
Welcome, new inmates!
On your first day in this state correctional facility, you’re likely to feel a great deal of pressure to prove yourself quickly. New inmates typically assume that if they don’t immediately earn the acceptance of, say, the Aryan Brotherhood, Mara Salvatrucha, or the Al-Qaeda Alumni Network, they’ll most certainly spend the rest of their sentences getting gang-raped in the showers.
It’s like high school all over again!
That said, coming from the biggest, meanest-looking guy in the prison yard, please, don’t walk up and punch me in the face.
I get it. You’re trying to [...]
Since it's open letter season, comedy duo Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim both recently wrote open letters back and forth to each other. Check out Tim's letter here, and Eric's here. This definitely is not a move to promote their new Adult Swim show, Tim & Eric's Bedtime Stories, no matter how many times they mention the show.
Please accept our apologies for the condition of our waiting room and interior offices. Although we pride ourselves on our appearance, you may have noticed that our wallpaper is beginning to buckle, our bookshelves are starting to sag, and our upholstery has suffered a bit of discoloration. Just a little, but small problems can lead to bigger ones. Which is why we must apologize for the inconvenience as our plastic surgery clinic undergoes a face lift.
We'll be pulling the rug as tight as we can, and turning the walls a completely different color than they currently are. We'll also be injecting some material from the couch [...]
Dear Ms. Sharavsky,
It has been brought to my attention that at exactly 11:03 pm, after calling your mother, moisturizing your face, and paying your monthly student loan bill, you folded the final item of your clean laundry. You have therefore temporarily exhausted your list of mundane tasks and concerns, and are undoubtedly eager for a restful night of sleep. Instead, please choose one of the following irrational fears and allow it to consume you. Please keep in mind that you will not be reimbursed for the cost of counseling or marijuana, and your roommates have issued a formal statement that checking you for swollen glands makes them feel [...]