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Posts tagged as pablo goldstein

Angels Trade the Cruel Passage of Time to the Cubs for a Reminder of Your Own Mortality, by Pablo Goldstein

ESPN’s Tim Kurkjian reports that the Anaheim Angels have traded minor league infielder Matt Scioscia to the Chicago Cubs for outfielder Trevor Gretzky.

Gretzky, the son of hockey legend Wayne Gretzky and an abrupt reminder of how little time you have left in your short, insignificant life, was selected in the seventh round of the 2011 First-Year Player Draft. The left-hander is expected to start for the Inland Empire 66ers where he will bat 5th in the lineup and emphasize the coming winter of your existence.

Scioscia, the son of longtime Angels manager and former big-league catcher Mike Scioscia, will make his debut for the Boise Hawks later this year. While the infielder [...]

You Know Who Else Almost Didn't Have A Bar Mitzvah? Drake., By Pablo Goldstein

Seth, we need to talk. I was in the kitchen with Mom and she’s crying her eyes out. Now, I know that you’ve been acting out at Hebrew School lately. I understand. I was a troublemaker back in my day. But there’s a difference between disrupting class and what Mom just told me. She was on the phone with Principal Simmons who revealed some troubling things that you mentioned. Apparently, my oldest child doesn’t care if he has a Bar Mitzvah.

You know who else almost didn’t have a Bar Mitzvah? Drake.

Kid, you don’t know how fortunate you are. Growing up with two loving parents is not something [...]

Jasper Tries to Pass Off 473 Subscriptions to 'Lowrider Magazine,' by Pablo Goldstein

Jasper, step into my office.

Now, I realize the student body has gone a little bonkers over the annual magazine subscription fundraiser. This year we really tried hard to round up some great prizes that would encourage you all to give it the ol’ Robert La Follette Middle School try. But in the rush to sell the most magazines, I'm afraid some students haven't been totally honest.

I’ll get right to the point. Jasper, I don’t think you actually sold 473 subscriptions of Lowrider Magazine.

At first I thought, “Maybe he filled out the form incorrectly. He probably sold 47 subscriptions of the magazine that celebrates the underground scene that rose from the Chicano Movement of the late 1960s, [...]

"Sweet" Larry Newsom, New York City Construction Worker, by Pablo Goldstein

Oh, baby! Chuck, take a look at this fine piece of tail strolling up. She could feed a whole nursery with those things. Hey mama, come a little closer so I get a peek at what you got. Ya know, you should really get that mole checked out. It looks like it might be cancerous. Did you know that there are over 56,000 new cases of melanoma a year in the United States alone? The skin is the largest organ in the body. You gotta take care of it, honey. Especially in that area around your big ol’ titties.

Holy hell! Unless you’re all half-a-fags, you boys are gonna [...]

Why I'm a Cop, by Pablo Goldstein

Listen up, kid. In my 12 years of walking the beat, I’ve learned what it takes to survive in the big city. But there ain’t many police like me. Nuh-uh. Usually cops end up as one of two schmoes: Either doe-eyed rookies burnt out after a few months, or Grey-Hairs sucking down a cold cup of Joe in the bullpen because they couldn’t hack it out on the streets. Wanna know my secret to avoiding those fates? I’ll tell ya. It’s because when I put on the badge in the morning, I know exactly why I do it.

I want to protect and serve the fine people of New [...]

Ethnics 101: Being An Ethnical Person, by Pablo Goldstein

Hello, everyone. My name is Anders Tennyson and I’ll be your instructor for Ethnics 101, a brand new course here at The Learning Annex designed for the ad man who's testing the perilous waters of 21st century advertisement.

Allow me to welcome you to Obama’s post-racial society, the real land of opportunity. You probably have many questions. And these questions will all be answered as you join me in discovering what it takes to become an ethnical person.

“Ethnical? Yo, prof! What’s that?” you say.

I could give you the boring Webster’s definition, but it doesn’t exist. To be ethnical is to adhere to a system of subconscious choice [...]