Hey, let's get down to business here. Week after week, Tim and Tom spend an hour talking about a bunch of nonsense that, frankly, isn't all that important. Well, all that is going to change this week. Finally, we sit down and talk about something of substance: the 2012 Presidential Election, the most important election of any of our lives.
Of course, before getting into the issues, we talk about Tim's new health kick. Oh, and Tom getting slapped in the face on a subway. And also we talk a bit about a very interesting new costume he spent a lot of money on for Halloween this year. And [...]
There are some political happenings so ridiculous, so tragic, so disgusting that you just can't wait for 11:00 PM Eastern/10 PM Central. The recent Mother Jonesvideos in which Romney called 47% of this country useless bottom feeders – like crayfish or sea cucumbers, if you will – is such a happening. Above was Colbert's top-hatted take, below watch The Daily Show shit on it from a variety of angles, including a top-hatted John Hodgman [...]
That's a pretty solid James Taylor, Jimmy Fallon. It's also noteworthy because late night hosts don't usually so explicitly support specific candidates. However, Obama did come on Jimmy's show, so maybe this was a trade. "Look, Jimmy, I will slow jam the news with you but you better start working on a James Taylor impression. I love James Taylor. I'm the President." It's not like Romney was probably going to stop by Fallon anytime soon. "Hello, Mr. James Fallon. I do not want to do a slowed jamming of the news, sorry. Slow is the devils tempo and I've never eaten 'jam,' as I have no need for preserves because [...]
"Romney is money’s bitch. He’s ambition’s bitch. He’s success’s bitch and he’s victory’s bitch. And, like those particular sort of pampered dogs you see in the laps of the very rich, he yaps and snaps and snarls at the everyday mutt. He’s frightened and confused by a dog who’s happy to treasure the sunshine and play with the other dogs and eat enough food to fill its belly and lap enough water to slake its thirst and then get out of the way for the other dogs to have their turn. Romney’s been trained since birth that not only are there No Other Dogs But Him And His Ilk, but [...]
The Colbert Super PAC wasn't content to simply raise a million dollars. Nope, it's also continuing to show up actual candidates for the presidency. Colbert's PAC, Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, is more popular in Texas than Mitt Romney's leading Super PAC, Restore Our Future. While Romney's PAC had only 15 Texan donors over $200, Colbert's had 17. And he isn't the one who's actually, you know, running for president. Maybe Romney should try releasing some funny videos?
So, if you don't want to end up plagued with a yellow discharge coming out of a place that discharges stuff, then figure out how to vote. That discharge should be charged with the crime of being guh-rossss. This comes after she proposed to scissor a billionaire for Obama. If she gets that discharge cleared up, maybe she should just agree to scissor any old person, black person, college person or poor person. That will do the trick; again, IF that discharge is cleared up.
On October 6, Jon Stewart and Bill O' Reilly are going to square off on the Internet in The Rumble In the Air-Conditioned Auditorium. Air-conditioned? What wimps. The probably do Vinyasa yoga. They'll be debating for 90 minutes, which is a ton of minutes for two non-politicians to debate. Below watch each of them getting the shit-talking ball rolling. Stewart references all the Irish people he knows and Bill rags on Stewart's use of writers. Who won round 1?
Larry David's words might be saying, "It could have been worse," but his tone of voice is saying, "NOTHING COULD BE WORSE! JERRY!" But who cares about tone? "How important is tone? When have you ever heard someone say, 'Oh, this place has great tone?'"
Colbert's discussion of the Republican primary in the South would be incomplete without a visit from his new "Chief Swampland Political Analyst," Kermit the Frog. Kermie protests at first, citing the facts that he is a non-partisan "amphibitarian" and only there to promote the release of The Muppets on DVD. But like all Stephen's opponents, he eventually plays ball, giving some incisive predictions about the race. I can't help but wonder if America may be overlooking the perfect candidate right here in Kermit the Frog. He's certainly got the pig vote.
Finally going through with her promise/threat from August, Roseanne Barr has filed the paperwork to run for president and says on her Twitter that she doesn't expect to win, but hopes bring attention to the Green Party by running. If she did get elected, here's an incomplete list of what she'd likely focus on in her first 100 days in the Oval Office:
- invest in technology futures for nut manufacture - promote tax subsidies for menopausal women - hire a cabinet led by John Goodman, Laurie Metcalf, and Johnny Galecki - write searing, eye-opening essay about sexism on the political campaign trail [...]
"Oh, I hate being sucked into tubes." Perfect. It's great to reminded how The Simpsons folks are just so damn good sometimes. I wonder if Romney or Obama has a better Selma-killing policy.
Lorne Michaels told The New York Times: “Jay has been doing Obama in his act this summer, and Jay is coming into his own…I just thought it might be time to shake it up.” And so it was written. People have been clamoring for Pharoah to take over that role since he was first cast; however, the famously deliberate Michaels wanted to make sure he was ready for that VERY prominent role. Sure, Pharoah can be very accurate but the question was always: Can he make him a character, can he make him funny? The article also reveals that Taran Killam is the likely choice for Paul Ryan. [...]
Not to nitpick but I think there is one glaring problem with that slogan: When people hear "Yes We Can, But" they'll think "Yes, We Can Butt." On one hand you have a measured declaration of hope and on the other you have an admission to having a can-like butt. I just don't think it would fly with the notoriously self-conscious swing voters. They'd fear that our foreign "friends" [...]
Stephen Colbert's clearly been lost without his collaborator in crime Herman Cain. Look at him! He's absolutely distraught. Which is why it's such great news that Cain made what's probably the most absurd political ad in the history of media, all so Colbert could spend a delicious five minutes making fun of it. And, duh, making his own ad in response. Just like the good old days of Colbert n' Cain.
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