Gosh, it’s been a long day, hasn’t it? I’m beat. If I closed my eyes right now, I’d fall into Stage 4 sleep and stay there until someone shook me so violently that I’d wake up and say something crazy in a panic-stricken voice like, “Where are the elbow pipettes?”
Let me say that it’s so great to know that you’re still attracted to me. It makes all the hours we spend guessing which of our couple friends still have good sex even more entertaining. Remember when we started dating and you used to spontaneously massage the arches of my feet because you claimed you enjoyed it? [...]
Today, we are making Red Velvet Cupcakes with Creamy Vanilla Icing. This old family recipe was brought to America by my great-grammy Eleanor, who probably wouldn’t understand why you are still moping about Jeremy.
• 3 1/2 cups cake flour
• 3/4 cup unsalted butter, softened
• 1 laptop computer, for playing Pandora and refreshing his Facebook profile
• 6 tablespoons red food coloring
• 1 healthy sense of self-restraint (If self-restraint isn’t available, substitute deleting his number from your phone)
• 2 eggs (for cupcakes)
• 2 more eggs (for pondering how only the thinnest of shells protect our yolky, runny insides)
• 2 additional eggs (for [...]
For nearly five years, despite the pleas of common sense, I've engaged in a steamy office romance. But it's not what you think. There aren't any break room rendezvous or synchronized trips to the water cooler. No, our workplace is our Jersey City apartment.
You see, my girlfriend and I aren't cubicle mates. We're writing partners. And although it defies logic and peace of mind, we actively choose to work together.