Posts tagged as romance

"The Amorous Biped" – Romance Fiction Found in My Backpack After an Abduction by Alien Aircraft, by Frank Allbritten

An alluring human called "Project 9" healthily salivated at the very thought of intercourse, presumably with another of the same species. In order to attract a mate, P9 had to first cease its habit of constantly shaking in fear and screaming, “Please, let me go, I have a family!” while curled up in a fetal position. To facilitate this, the amorous biped poured seven fingers of scotch into a consumption beaker and accordingly “began to chillax.”

Another nearly hairless Homo sapien, "Experiment 4," saucily sauntered into the room, clearly impressed by all the saliva in there. “My entire family just died,” E4 admitted tearfully between chomps of [...]

Foolproof 'Missed Connections' Posts, by Jesse Porter

You: early '30s, driving a blue Civic, failing to notice the light turn green at 4th and Main this morning and consequently being honked at by a black BMW. Me: the guy behind you, driving a really sweet black BMW. Sorry about the tailgating, the yelling, and the repeated flashing of the optional HID xenon headlamps. My trip to work had been super annoying up to that point (I was in a text fight with my ex, and I’d just spilled my beer), but my mood improved the moment I accelerated past you and noticed how gorgeous you are. You’ve got beautiful eyes, beautiful hair, even beautiful fingers—an assumption I’m basing [...]

Regis Philbin Rides a Vespa Into David Letterman's Heart

Do you want to see David Letterman call Regis Philbin a slut? You do? I wasn't really expecting you to answer so vehemently. But good for you, being open about your desires! When Regis came on The Late Show last night, he confronted Dave about a passionate lip-lock the two shared on Regis' show. Did it mean nothing to Dave? Nothing? You can't just buy Regis off with fancy gifts like a Vespa! He's a real man with real feelings!

How I Will Become a Better Boyfriend, by Ronald Dario

I wanted to show you that I’m serious about making more of an effort to be a better boyfriend, so I thought about it carefully and came up with some personal goals. I know we have been having problems lately, but I wholeheartedly believe that if I follow through with each one of these, I will become a better person. I want to be the kind of boyfriend that an amazing person like you deserves!

1. I will sign up for those cooking lessons we read about.

2. I will start running again.

3. I will get rid of at least 80% of the Tupac-related content on my computer. [...]

Aziz Ansari Is Writing a Book About Romance

Parks and Recreation star Aziz Ansari just signed a book deal. Penguin Press announced today that they've hired the comedian to write his first book, a semi-academic tome on the subject of romance. The untitled book will focus on "the basic issues facing a single person—whom we meet, how we meet them, and what happens next—have been radically altered by new technologies." Here's Ansari, who has talked to academics and done original research for the project, is describing the book in the press release:

You know when you text someone you're romantically interested in and you don't hear anything back and then you see them post a photo [...]

Postmodern Love, by Erin Somers

The writer Erin Somers sits down to write a "Modern Love" column1. The subject is the truncated, never-realized dalliance between herself and D.2 The convention of masking identities in essayistic, first person writing with a single initial serves the dual purposes of protecting the privacy of the party under discussion and lending an illusion of truth to the narrative. Behold: a story so painful, so juicy, so heartrendingly true that the author feels uneasy disclosing real names. That the author feels driven by basic human decency to shield the individual (whom she has rendered in maybe not-so-flattering prose, but for whom she still maintains lingering affection) from potential violence on the part of her readership who may [...]

Penny's Mom & Dave's Dad Sitting in a Tree, Michael McKean & Megan Mullally

Happy Endings has cast Michael McKean as Dave's dad, who will become romantically involved with Megan Mullally as Penny's mom. This is incredible, like when you try and get your divorced mom to date your best friend's divorced dad so you two can be sisters and have sleepovers every night and play MASH and talk about boys and make snickerdoodles. Or it's a smart way to generate storylines for two main characters who don't have too many scenes together. That second one mostly, probably.