Splitsider

Jezebel has an interview with the Queens of Comedy that was originally conducted in 2001 and is finally being published in The Lowbrow Reader Reader, and it's nuts. Writer Margeaux Rawsom was supposed to interview the women to try to uncover the "10 Commandments of Sex" and the result is majestic. There are gems like this one from Oscar Winner Mo'Nique:

"You muthafuckin' right. Ass-licking is a commandment. You better lick my ass! And then, if you lick it well enough, I might let you put the head in. Lick my ass! That is a wonderful thing. Lick it! Ooooooh! Let me just say this: If they [...]

Most television sitcoms are obsessed with sex. Typically, there is at least one character that continually brags about his or her sexual conquests. Some well-known lotharios include Barney from How I Met Your Mother — although Ted is getting up there since after six seasons he has still not actually talked about who the mother is — and GOB from Arrested Development, even though many of the women he has “sealed the deal” with have been out of spite for his brother Michael. This doesn’t stop with men though, as female characters have also been use for comedic sexual exploitation like Elaine’s “sponge-worthy” theory on Seinfeld and Samantha from [...]

Todd Barry gave some pretty solid sex advice to Nerve; here's his answer to a question about how to deal with a boyfriend who wants to get a tattoo of your name on his arm: "Just say to him, 'I don't want you to make the same mistake I did,' then lift your shirt to reveal 'TODD BARRY' tattooed in a large font across your belly. When he inevitably says 'I don't remember seeing that tattoo before,' you just respond with 'Of course you don't. That's because you don't listen!'"

Well, this book took me about a week longer than it should have to read. You really should be able to burn through it in a single day. Like many people my age though, I live my entire life in public spaces, and this is no book for that.

First off, the title: Our Bodies, Our Junk. Less-than-savory. Then there's the shaggy nude couple on the front, a winking reference to the line drawings of coital hippies from The Joy of Sex, shielding their groins and peering out at us shamefully from the cover. I couldn’t very well read it in the park or on the [...]

Voila! It's been 13 years, but that apple pie finally enacted its disgusting, horrifying revenge on Jason Biggs. Thank you, American Reunion and Funny or Die, for giving all of us pastry-themed night terrors that will surely endure for 13 more years to come. At which point we'll recover just in time to watch American Nursing Home in theaters.

Would you like to hear Paul Scheer read an excerpt from Jim Belushi's book Real Men that gives some explicit and questionable sex advice? Of course you do.

Nerve asked Danny McBride some dating and sex advice questions, and his answers are pretty priceless. Here he is on what to do if you slept with a coworker you aren't actually interested: "You already took a shit where you eat, homeboy. That's not a good thing. Just ride out the awkwardness. See how weird it'll get, and maybe she'll quit. Make things weirder. Push it a little. Maybe send flowers to her from an anonymous person. Just start coming off like a stalker."

Ricky Gervais' Daily Show appearance last night starts out with a description of a panda as a "big wobbly spunk bomb," and things only get weirder from there. Until Jon calls him out on miming what's either wide-girth masturbation or human-panda rape, that is. It doesn't really weirder than that. That might be the apex of weirdness for us as a species.

From The Onion, Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else: "The study revealed that 80 percent of the time, women who declined to answer their phones were, at that very moment, being sexually pleasured by a man superior to the caller in terms of looks, genital endowment, and stamina. Researchers also found that a majority of women picked up the phone, examined the caller ID, and told their male lover 'It's nobody' before continuing with sexual intercourse."

Reggie Watts on when to turn off the comedian within: "Being comedic in the bedroom definitely has its place, but, really, sex is a time for a great connection with someone. And sometimes humor naturally comes out of it. But, I try not to be in that mindset when I’m in the bedroom, because it’s time for a great experience. Even if it’s just a one-off thing, I try to be present for it. Generally, it’s not smart to actively try to create comedy while making love. "