Splitsider

Effective June 4, A Part Thai’d Restaurant has closed its doors for good. We would like to thank our small contingent of customers, as it was an absolute pleasure to serve you our Thai/American fusion cuisine over the last five weeks. We regret this decision, but the bad press and unrelenting protests were just too much to endure. READ MORE

I have seen countless novelty catalogs, tourist trap gift shops, gag-gift kiosks, and Internet websites sell T-shirts, caps, and coffee mugs that openly mock, belittle, cheapen, and demean me and my profession. I am a public servant who puts his life on the line everyday, and instead of being shown the same respect, kindness, and reverence given freely to policeman, firemen, and members of the military, I am humiliated and forced to constantly defend my job, to explain that it is, in fact, a real thing and a legitimate profession. READ MORE

Ever want to kill a walrus with your bare hands and have no one back at home begging for a share of the meat? Perhaps you want to bathe in a natural hot spring, alone with an arctic fox, naked, and never have to explain yourself. Or maybe you just want to get away from it all, and drown your sorrows at our local pub, located next to the hospital, open from 10pm to 3am on most Fridays, and sometimes even serving beer, if a ship passes by, and drops some off. READ MORE

Seth, we need to talk. I was in the kitchen with Mom and she’s crying her eyes out. Now, I know that you’ve been acting out at Hebrew School lately. I understand. I was a troublemaker back in my day. But there’s a difference between disrupting class and what Mom just told me. She was on the phone with Principal Simmons who revealed some troubling things that you mentioned. Apparently, my oldest child doesn’t care if he has a Bar Mitzvah. READ MORE

Subject line: FRIDAY!!!!! READ MORE

Dear Parent or Permanent Nanny, READ MORE

Throughout our nation’s history, our most heroic and intelligent citizens have selflessly sacrificed themselves in order to maintain a prosperous republic. Unfortunately, following undeserved media scrutiny, these individuals are sometimes forced to clamber atop a soapbox, bloated with courage, to loudly declare, “Not I!” In light of my own media troubles, I must also formally announce that I will no longer be running for president. READ MORE

By the time you are reading this, Facebook will have already released their biggest and most revolutionary update yet — the Facebook Timeline. I know this because, according to Timeline, I am already using it. In the future. READ MORE

Bon Soir! READ MORE