Splitsider

Posts tagged as the humor section

Auctioneering School Courses, by Alonso Cisneros

Gentleman in the Back 101. Introductory course to the gentleman in the back. The class will culminate in learning the name of this man, his alma mater's fight song, and the top 10 ghost stories he has ever heard.

Gentleman in the Back 102. Get a closer look at the gentleman in the back. Who is he? What’s his financial situation like? What life decisions led him to attend an auction alone on a Saturday afternoon? Does he regret them?

Gentleman in the Back 103. Now that you know about the gentleman in the back, it’s time to finally meet him. Upon enrollment, you will be given his address and car's license plate [...]

"The Amorous Biped" – Romance Fiction Found in My Backpack After an Abduction by Alien Aircraft, by Frank Allbritten

An alluring human called "Project 9" healthily salivated at the very thought of intercourse, presumably with another of the same species. In order to attract a mate, P9 had to first cease its habit of constantly shaking in fear and screaming, “Please, let me go, I have a family!” while curled up in a fetal position. To facilitate this, the amorous biped poured seven fingers of scotch into a consumption beaker and accordingly “began to chillax.”

Another nearly hairless Homo sapien, "Experiment 4," saucily sauntered into the room, clearly impressed by all the saliva in there. “My entire family just died,” E4 admitted tearfully between chomps of [...]

Woodstock, by Andrew Cushing

It was the '60s. My hair was long, and I was at a music festival. A barefoot hippie walked up to me and said, "I'm not wearing shoes." We dropped acid for a few minutes. Then the hippie said, "We're at Woodstock." There weren't any toilets.

Like most people, I was only there to see the Keef Hartley Band. Keef had been my roommate at Middlebury where we both failed Intro to Sculpture. I helped him write "Sinnin' For You" in the quad. He got me a good deal on tickets.

At one point I looked up from my Tom Wolfe book and Jimi Hendrix was on stage setting [...]

The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Birthday Cake, by Dan Rozier

 In a big tree house down a sunny dirt road deep in the heart of Bear Country, it was Brother’s birthday. The Bear family—Mama, Papa, Brother and Sister—were sitting around the kitchen table enjoying some of Mama’s famous homemade birthday cake. Papa reached for his third piece.

“Papa, you’ve had enough,” scolded Mama.

“There’s no such thing as too much birthday cake!” Papa exclaimed.

He winked at Brother, the birthday boy, and shoved a third piece into his mouth.

Nighttime came and Brother’s special day left as quickly as it had arrived. It was time for bed. Teeth were brushed, stories read, cubs tucked [...]

A Quick Reminder Before Our Rainforest Expedition Begins, by Blythe Roberson

Gentlemen, welcome to the annual Millionaires Club Rainforest Expedition. Before we begin, I’d like to run through a few quick reminders to avoid problems we’ve encountered in the past.

The jungle is a dangerous place that can be tamed by no man and no amount of money. No, Charles, not even by $4.5 million. It is important to defer to the proper authority. At times we will be traveling dangerous waters on canoe-type vessels. Please do not try to commandeer these vessels or convince their captains to “let you have a quick go of it.” Yes, Edmund, I understand that you were captain of the Yale rowing team. I will [...]

To Whom It May Concern: The Contents of This Email Are Rather Concerning, by Taylor Sade

To Whom It May Concern,

I use that phrase it all of its reality. No seriously, what I am about to say is extremely concerning.  I didn’t just say that introductory phrase because I was unaware of whom to make this letter out to. Truly, the contents of which this letter are going to address are drastically concerning and deserve your concerned thoughts.

I beg you good sir, or madam, to please direct your attention to the proceeding context I will get to in this letter with your upmost attention. Certainly a person in your position of power would be worried about the fact of which [...]

Crowdsourced Edits to Various DIY Home Improvement Instructions to Account For My Incompetence, by Roger Taylor

• Before starting the job, put on shoes and pants.

• You’ve heard the phrase, “Measure twice and cut once”? Please measure three times. And then have someone else measure, because you aren’t doing it right.

• The only acceptable object with which to hammer is a hammer.

• If you don’t have a ladder, borrow one from a neighbor. Stacking a stool on top of a coffee table seems like a bad idea now, so think of how bad it’ll seem once you’re up there.

• I know that the four-year-old, unsealed tube of caulk is appealing because it’s already in the house and doesn’t [...]

Brochure Enough, by Matthew David Brozik

About This Rack: On these shelves you’ll find brochures for all of the most interesting and/or exciting things to do and/or see in the general vicinity of your accommodations. Feel free to take one of each—and remember to show ’em to your friends and relatives when you return home, if only to prove that you didn’t just watch free HBO and/or read the Bible in your room the whole time. [You Are Here Systems, LLC is not responsible for typographical errors contained in any brochure and does not guarantee the interest or excitement of any visitor.]

SEA TO SEE™ WHALE-WATCHING What’s a vacation or business trip without an excursion to [...]

An Open Letter to Marissa of Girl Scout Troop #715, by Geoffrey Asmus

Marissa,

When we met you told me your favorite My Little Pony was Pinkie Pie, and that you sold cookies to raise money for your "dear sick Nana Georgina.”

I now doubt any of that was true.

Flawlessly you swindled and double-crossed me. Charmingly you liquidated my 401K while exquisitely performing multiple scenes from Catch Me If You Can.

I’ve been deceived before, but never so pleasantly.

At my doorstep you entranced me with the secrets of the world. You nibbled the opposite sides of a Thin Mint to create a chocolate flavored straw! What fun! I giddily await the secrets held within a Samoa!

You repaired my life [...]

11 Fun and Easy Cleanses That You Need to Try Today, by Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby

New year, nude you, right? What is it again? Regardless, you’ve got to lose weight. Even if you haven’t stuck to your new year’s resolution so far this year, these surefire cleanses will get you back on track to becoming the next Ariana Grande. Give ‘em a try, and remember: Failure is not an option.

Text Message Cleanse: This year is your year to put communication with actual words behind you. Embrace emoji in a real way, and finally gain the ability to send clear messages that actually mean something. When it comes to reaching out to the ones closest to you, a simple knife emoji typically [...]

Federal Investigation Into the Magical Growing Fruit Farm of Farmer Maroo: Employee Interviews, by Brandon Hicks

On September 13, 2014, a complaint was a made by a Francis R. Wiggleworm concerning the food production by The Magical Growing Farm. Mr. Wiggleworm alleges that the company creates its world-famous magical fruit and flibbleberries by using illegal chemicals and through unregulated genetic alteration. A investigative team was sent to the farm, located past the Wumpa-Wumpa Jungles, over the Bee-Doo-Wap river, and through the Hubba-Wampistat Mountains, to conduct interviews with the employees of the business. The following are partial transcripts from these interviews. 

Employe No. 223501 “Listen, don’t you think someone would have broken the silence before now, if there was something illicit, unnatural, or potentially [...]

Do You Like Sports? Because I Do Not Like Sports, by Pablo Goldstein

Touchdown! Oh, was that not the correct term to celebrate the tall man putting the ball through the hoop? My mistake. It's just that I don't watch sports and I want you to know that.

You're probably wondering why I'm at this Buffalo Wild Wings on the night of the NCAA Men's Basketball Championship Game if I don't care for sports. Well, Maria's husband, I am joining the wing-gorging plebes who masquerade by day as my co-workers in order to celebrate my inevitable victory in our office tournament pool. With the help of statistician Nate Silver, I was able to construct a nearly perfect bracket by combining his empirical data and my sophisticated intellect that has [...]

An Excerpt From ‘FUDS: A Complete Encyclofoodia’

FUDS began in 2012 as a parody menu satirizing the foodie scene, food blogs, and, mostly, pretentious food words. (The menu includes “thick crust stringer chunks,” “crab dorks,” and “sea sucklers towered over a seaweed sleeping bag and calmed with a menthol pillow.”)  Named by GQ as one of its “100 Funniest Things in the History of the Internet," the work of "Alfredo and Antonio Mizretto" has expanded to a whole book, FUDS: A Complete Encyclofoodia (From Tickling Shrimp to Not Dying in a Restaurant). Probably the most complete book ever written on cooking and eating not real food, the book, like the website, is actually written by Kelly Hudson (Thing [...]

How the Other Half "Lives," by Ryan Patricks

Adjusting to ghost life isn't easy.

The first couple of weeks of being dead are definitely the hardest. Being a ghost is something you have to ease into, like a cold pool, or anal, or anal in a cold pool.

Warning: That last one is super difficult. Do not try at home.

At first, you usually take your cue from the movies you saw when you were alive. You might speak in a spooky vibrato voice or hang out in a pottery class. It's all a bit overdramatic and a big clue that you are a newbie to the specter world. My buddy, Barry, calls these "dead giveaways."

Isn't [...]