Splitsider

Posts tagged as the humor section

The Berenstain Bears and Too Much Birthday Cake, by Dan Rozier

 In a big tree house down a sunny dirt road deep in the heart of Bear Country, it was Brother’s birthday. The Bear family—Mama, Papa, Brother and Sister—were sitting around the kitchen table enjoying some of Mama’s famous homemade birthday cake. Papa reached for his third piece.

“Papa, you’ve had enough,” scolded Mama.

“There’s no such thing as too much birthday cake!” Papa exclaimed.

He winked at Brother, the birthday boy, and shoved a third piece into his mouth.

Nighttime came and Brother’s special day left as quickly as it had arrived. It was time for bed. Teeth were brushed, stories read, cubs tucked [...]

A Quick Reminder Before Our Rainforest Expedition Begins, by Blythe Roberson

Gentlemen, welcome to the annual Millionaires Club Rainforest Expedition. Before we begin, I’d like to run through a few quick reminders to avoid problems we’ve encountered in the past.

The jungle is a dangerous place that can be tamed by no man and no amount of money. No, Charles, not even by $4.5 million. It is important to defer to the proper authority. At times we will be traveling dangerous waters on canoe-type vessels. Please do not try to commandeer these vessels or convince their captains to “let you have a quick go of it.” Yes, Edmund, I understand that you were captain of the Yale rowing team. I will [...]

Why My Anime Girlfriend is Much Cooler Than My Stepmom Brenda, by Devin Rosni

Having an anime girlfriend is the coolest thing in the world! My girlfriend Kukuru Megumi is the most awesome character on my favorite anime TV show Wolf Mirage Schoolgirl. Kukuru does not even mind that I am only 11 years old. She is the best girlfriend ever!

My stepmom Brenda married my dad two years ago and she sucks. Brenda does not speak Japanese at all. Sometimes she tells me what to do and I tell her, “NO BRENDA, YOU ARE NOT MY MOM!”  I hate when that happens.

Here are a few reasons why my girlfriend Kukuru is way cooler than Brenda.

LOOKS

Kukuru has the hugest beautiful orange eyes because her grandfather was [...]

FCC Complaint: When Did Grainy Images of My Own Future Demise Become Acceptable Television? by Charlie Stockman

Dear FCC Goldbrickers,

My apologies if this complaint letter tends to ramble or does not fit a prescribed format. It is the first such letter I have had cause to write. Not because heretofore you were doing your jobs — indeed, I suspect you were not — but because in all my 67 years, I have never watched TV. That is, I never had watched TV, until a month ago when fate put me face to face with the vile medium. Allow me to explain.

You see it was around that time that I inherited an estate from a distant uncle in the backwoods of Massachusetts. It is a wonderful place, away from [...]

Snow Globe Weather Forecast, by Alonso Cisneros

Sunday: Snowstorm. Flurries. Clear and sunny skies on this warm morning, suddenly followed by a snowstorm after someone shakes the snow globe for a few seconds. Prepare for it to snow relentlessly for no meteorological reason whatsoever, except for someone shaking the snow globe for the fun of it. Flurries expected for the rest of the day.

Monday: Snowstorms throughout the day. Snow globe shaken over the course of the day, ranging from lazily to mildly, resulting in high winds and violent snowstorms across the area. Most likely to receive the same two inches of snow that always lies on the surface of the globe. Don't bother shoveling or calling plow [...]

An Open Letter to Marissa of Girl Scout Troop #715, by Geoffrey Asmus

Marissa,

When we met you told me your favorite My Little Pony was Pinkie Pie, and that you sold cookies to raise money for your "dear sick Nana Georgina.”

I now doubt any of that was true.

Flawlessly you swindled and double-crossed me. Charmingly you liquidated my 401K while exquisitely performing multiple scenes from Catch Me If You Can.

I’ve been deceived before, but never so pleasantly.

At my doorstep you entranced me with the secrets of the world. You nibbled the opposite sides of a Thin Mint to create a chocolate flavored straw! What fun! I giddily await the secrets held within a Samoa!

You repaired my life [...]

11 Fun and Easy Cleanses That You Need to Try Today, by Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby

New year, nude you, right? What is it again? Regardless, you’ve got to lose weight. Even if you haven’t stuck to your new year’s resolution so far this year, these surefire cleanses will get you back on track to becoming the next Ariana Grande. Give ‘em a try, and remember: Failure is not an option.

Text Message Cleanse: This year is your year to put communication with actual words behind you. Embrace emoji in a real way, and finally gain the ability to send clear messages that actually mean something. When it comes to reaching out to the ones closest to you, a simple knife emoji typically [...]

I Am Pleased to Inform You That Someone Now Has a Tattoo Inspired by You and/or Your Work, by Molly Bradley

Dear Author,

Congratulations! You must have done something right, because something you wrote has inspired someone to imprint an excerpted portion, representation, allusion, or overt reference to it on a part of their body, to remain there forever.

Please do appreciate what it means for a person to go ahead and do this. For one, the kind of person who would get a tattoo of a literary nature is surely a voracious reader. This person has read countless words that he or she did not deem fit to emblazon permanently on his or her person, probably because they were not moving enough or too trite or even too commonly [...]

Opening Remarks at the 3rd Annual Tremendousfest Improv Festival, by Lauren Church

Hello everyone, and welcome to the 3rd Annual Tremendousfest Improv Festival! I am, of course, Randall Howard, Head of the Tremendousfest Committee, and I want to start by thanking everyone here today to help us kick off Billings’ paramount improv experience of the year! There will be plenty of classes and shows and special guests this year so we’re preeeetty pleased with ourselves, ­and we’re sure you will be too!

Now! We’ve really grown a lot since last year’s fest, so let me start by explaining to everyone where this year’s three performances spaces are.

Stage One will be at Tremendousfest Headquarters at the Impact Theatre. This will not only be where [...]

The Original Paleo Diet, by Keith Wisniewski

Zogg thank you all for coming to Zogg’s cave. Zogg has some big news to share. Sure, Zogg may not have come up with idea for fire, but Zogg have pretty good idea to stay trim and healthy. Zogg call it the Paleo Diet.Zogg know this works, because Zogg used to be what you call “big boned,” but is now in shape. Zogg even have “six pack” and is getting all the ladies in the Eurasian subcontinent, thanks to this diet. And you can, too. It’s so simple, even a Neanderthal could follow it.

Step one: Eat meat.There, Zogg teach you everything about Paleo Diet!

Zogg kidding, of course. Zogg [...]

How the Other Half "Lives," by Ryan Patricks

Adjusting to ghost life isn't easy.

The first couple of weeks of being dead are definitely the hardest. Being a ghost is something you have to ease into, like a cold pool, or anal, or anal in a cold pool.

Warning: That last one is super difficult. Do not try at home.

At first, you usually take your cue from the movies you saw when you were alive. You might speak in a spooky vibrato voice or hang out in a pottery class. It's all a bit overdramatic and a big clue that you are a newbie to the specter world. My buddy, Barry, calls these "dead giveaways."

Isn't [...]

We Wanted to Alert You to a Rather Large Purchase, by Ian Goldstein

Dear Daniel S. Clavers,

We wanted to alert you to some rather large purchases recently charged to your account:

• $400.00 Fine Young Cannibals Biopic Kickstarter

• $500.00 Roland Gift Life-size Mannequin

If you do not recognize these purchases, please contact us immediately at 555-1155.

If this is a joke, then yes, we find it funny.

But seriously, let us know.

Sincerely, Titan Neighborhood Bank

 

Dear Daniel S. Clavers,

Thank you for responding so speedily to our email. We now understand that these purchases were of your own volition and we respect your decisions. We did not mean to insult you or "spoil the surprise" for the members [...]

The Bean Salad Recipe Book, by Jon Wolper

THREE-BEAN SALAD

Dee-licious! A classic. Buy some fresh green beans from the farmer’s market, grab some kidney and wax beans, add some vinegar, some oil, salt, onions, and you’re good to go!

 

FOUR-BEAN SALAD

Well, you’re ambitious. That’s fine, we can do four beans. Just take that recipe from above and root around through your pantry for some garbanzos. If you want to do a four-bean salad, you better have garbanzos. Soak them in the fridge overnight!

 

FIVE-BEAN SALAD

Now we’re really leaving our comfort zone. All right, we can do this. Deep breath. How about kidney beans? Wait, we’ve used those. Maybe try black beans? I mean, [...]

We Promise Terry Isn’t the Author, by Luke Strickler

Terry is not the author, nor is he a reference to the author.

Terry is not any one of the author’s friends, a person who considers themselves a friend of the author, lost love, personal trainer, or you, Greg, so stop asking.

Terry’s name is not to be broken apart to find a hidden message, as the word “Retry” has no relation to the author other than his failed Candy Crush level.

Terry’s name is not an acronym or initialism, although both he and the author know the difference, and will bring it up in conversation.

Terry is 27 years old, which is too young to be a reminder of lost [...]