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Posts tagged as the humor section

The Dead Dog Farm Upstate, by Luke Pohjala

You’ve probably been told it before, sometime in your childhood: “Buster (or any other dumb, thoughtless dog name) had to go to a farm upstate. Don’t cry. He’ll have plenty of room to run around in the fresh air. He’s in a better place now.” By now you’ve realized that was a lie. This probably made you question lots of things your parents told you. Will you really grow big and strong if you eat your vegetables? Do they actually love you? Will we really get there when we get there? The truth is that anything your parents told you was, in some way, a lie.

But I’m here [...]

The Real Israeli-Palestinian Crisis is My Lack of Knowledge About it, by Evan Waite

My ignorance of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict shows no signs of stopping, and is from all indications worse than ever. It’s time to take a good, hard look at how uninformed I am.

Just this week, I heard someone say that the death toll rose in Gaza after Israel escalated its air assault. Whatever side of this conflict you find yourself on, I think we can all agree it is truly heartbreaking that I don’t understand what the term “Gaza” means.

Is it some sort of army base? Or a mythical mountain where the gold is hidden? I’m pretty sure it’s not underwater.

Left unchecked, the repercussions of this ignorance [...]

Letting My Parents Know, by Blake Henderson

Mom. Dad. Thanks for meeting me here.

I’ve wanted to talk to you about this for years, but I’ve just been pushing it off. I don’t even know why I couldn’t do it. I guess I was just scared of what you would do. How you would react. What you’d tell your friends. And I mean, it’s not like I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to be a part of my life. I didn’t do it because I wanted to protect you from the truth. And I know that was selfish— because I literally owe everything to you. But I’m sick of living in the darkness [...]

Air Bud: Glory Days, by Joe Veix

Do go check out PBQ Vol. 2. Edited by our friend John Howell Harris (with cover and interstitial art by Daniel Spenser) the second in the PBQ series is an elegant, hardbound number filled with humorous art and pieces from folks who have previously created material for The Onion, The Tonight Show, Adult Swim, Community, and The New Yorker.

It’s $15.00, so a small but solid investment. All proceeds benefit New York Cares. Please enjoy this excerpt, “Scenes From Air Bud: Glory Days” by Joe Veix.

Air Bud finds a box of old basketball memorabilia in his attic. He blows dust off a newspaper clipping, and ponders the [...]

Holden Caulfield Applies for an HR Position, by Dan Morey

Greg Roman Integrated Software 48 Detmire Road White Plains, NY 10601

Dear Mr. Roman,

I’m writing to apply for the goddam HR Manager position you advertised in the New York Times. I’ve enclosed my résumé and three references from real hot-shots.The opportunity in your ad is very interesting and all. You wouldn’t believe how enthusiastic I am about it. You really wouldn’t. My brother D.B. says I’m a born HR man, and he’s a terrific judge of character. At least he used to be before he moved out to Hollywood and started writing all those rotten movies. D.B. is really just a prostitute now.

Anyway, I guess my experience and education make [...]

NASA's Response to a Child Prodigy, by Ian Abramson

Dear Sammy,

Let me be the first to say how impressed we here at NASA were to receive such an ambitious spaceship design from a six-year-old. The details in your blueprints would have been impressive for a 12-year-old prodigy, let alone a six-year-old prodigy.

While we were deeply impressed with your innovative use of solar panels, we did have a few notes that we thought would strengthen your overall design. Please understand we aren't just writing to criticize. In fact, take this as a sure sign that we want to put your rocket in space as quickly as we can. We expect to get it in [...]

This Candlelight Vigil Is In Full Effect!, by Django Gold

Alright! Yeah! Now that's what I'm talking about! Ladies and gentlemen, I heard this candlelight vigil was going to be off the chain, but even I didn't see this one coming. It looks like just about everyone in Bloomdale came out tonight, and I know all you crazy party animals have only got one thing on your minds: finding Caitlin Ashfield and bringing her home safe and sound! Woo!

You know, when I first learned that one of our own had been reported missing, I knew what we had to do for our beloved daughter, sister, friend, and Bloomdale High School classmate: throw the wildest, rowdiest, most ass-kicking candlelight vigil the world has ever seen — and you people did not [...]

A Profile of Acting Legend John C. Reilly, by Blythe Roberson

I’m assigned to write a profile of acting legend John C. Reilly. It’s an assignment of a lifetime. Wait. In a lifetime. It’s an assignment in my lifetime. In preparation, I decide to watch his films to study his technique. There’s just one problem: I still can’t figure out Netflix.

The day of the interview, I ride my skateboard 7 miles from my apartment to meet him at a restaurant that turns out to be next door to my apartment. So that’s why I suggested that deli, I realize after 3.5 miles.

I walk through the door to see acting [...]

For Your Comfort and Safety, by Dan Dillabough

Thank you for choosing to fly with us today. Before we take off, we ask that you please pay close attention to the following safety announcements.

Please ensure that your carry-on baggage is safely stowed in the overhead compartments. Also, when stowing your baggage, please be careful not to disturb the raccoon that has been living up there for the past few weeks. He may appear dangerous, but rest assured that he won’t bother you if you don’t bother him.

Please ensure that your seatbelt is securely fastened at all times. Do not remove the seatbelt while seated, unless the raccoon wants to curl up and [...]

Ask the Existentially Troubled Housekeeping Expert, by Luke Burns

It feels like no matter how hard I work, I just can’t get the dining room to stay clean. Do you have any strategies that might help me stay on top of the mess?

—A.I., Oswego, NY

It sounds like your real struggle is not with the breadcrumbs on the floor, or the jelly stuck to the tablecloth, but with entropy itself! Your messy dining area is just one sign of the inexorable decay that will only end with the heat death of the universe. Here’s a hint: Try to avoid realizing that in the grand scheme of things, all struggles are pointless — especially your attempts to keep [...]

I Apologize For Your Negative Hotel Experience, by Jon Wolper

Dear Ms. Winters,

Thank you for your letter. Hopefully I can help resolve some of the issues you experienced while staying at our hotel.

As you wrote, your troubles began at night, when you found that our ice machine was empty. Our apologies. We try to run a tight ship, but sometimes things fall through the cracks. I promise to be more vigilant about the ice machine in the future.

After you went back to your room, you began to hear incessant banging coming from the walls and ceiling. Our building is very old, and the walls are thin, so the noises made by other guests were heard clearly. [...]

An Airbnb Review of Charles and Linda's Unique Private Room, by Spencer Ham

Okay, first of all, stop looking for other Airbnb rooms in San Francisco right now. Just stop, because nothing will beat Charles and Linda’s private room. I stayed in their home for six nights and it cost me a grand total of zero dollars. That's right. This large, centrally located, beautiful space is free. F-r-e-e.

Now, there are some ground rules, but that’s to be expected. You will be required to wear a uniform. I know it sounds a little weird, but hey, a free room is a free room. The outfit consists of cargo shorts, an Angry Birds T-shirt, some Crocs, and [...]

Write What You Know, by Jesse Porter

A 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines falls in love with his free-spirited, unpredictable new co-worker, Amanda. She's smart, she's spunky, she's a single mom — and she might just be the girl of his dreams. Now, in order to win her heart, he'll need to overcome his crippling self-consciousness and insecurity if he ever hopes to start a conversation with her in the parking lot, but he also has to not seem all creepy about it. So it's really tricky.

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Wacky comic hijinks await a 41-year-old customer care specialist from Des Moines when he travels to the countryside for a week of boating, [...]

The Golden Age of CB Radio, by Aboubacar Ndiaye

You may not know, it but for the past ten years or so, we have been living through a new golden age in the world of CB radio. Forty years ago, you could turn on your CB Radio, screw around with the dial a little bit, and listen to Big Cocker Jackson, Dakota Bull, and Ted Trouble 324 at their raucous, salacious best. Jellybean would come on at night and rill the boys up, and tell us about this or that strip club, and this or that truck stop, where the girls were easy and the beer was cheap. But then the '80s came with its media consolidation and [...]