No need to thank me.
I’m just doing my job. My tireless, aggravating, hamster-wheel job.
But, it’s a job nonetheless, and I’m happy to be working.
Because folks such as yourself are always asking me how exactly it works, I thought I’d finally lay it all down on the line.
If you’ve ever wondered where complaints go, then you’re first of all asking the wrong question. What you should be asking is: Where are complaints lodged? And if you’ve gotten that far, you’re first to be congratulated for your fortitude and then should receive an answer:
COMPLAINTS ARE LODGED IN, WELL, A COMPLAINT LODGE, OF COURSE.
That’s where I [...]
Intro to Improvisation – Mondays 7:00
In this class you will work on overcoming your disdain for improv comedy brought on by years of Whose Line Is It Anyway? and a detrimental trip to ComedySportz in your teen years. It won’t be fully successful, but Monday nights are a television black hole, so what the hell? Expect to be overwhelmed at how many people in your class sound like they have a much more fulfilling job and/or life than you.
Prerequisites: Ability to be civil when you’re in a scene with “that guy” whose friends told him to take this class and who will be gone after the second [...]
Please accept our apologies for the condition of our waiting room and interior offices. Although we pride ourselves on our appearance, you may have noticed that our wallpaper is beginning to buckle, our bookshelves are starting to sag, and our upholstery has suffered a bit of discoloration. Just a little, but small problems can lead to bigger ones. Which is why we must apologize for the inconvenience as our plastic surgery clinic undergoes a face lift.
We'll be pulling the rug as tight as we can, and turning the walls a completely different color than they currently are. We'll also be injecting some material from the couch [...]
Dear Sirs or Madames at ESPN,
With the NFL season over I think it may be time to reconsider your approach to branding Monday Night Football. Simply put, America misses the dancing and singing Guitarman who announces the things that will happen in the upcoming game while wearing sunglasses. I understand your probable reticence, as your last Guitarman was a hateful monster. Which is why I’m writing you to offer my service as America’s new Monday Night Football Song and Dance Man. I assure you I hate no one but myself and am very good at predicting the happenings of a typical Monday Night Football evening. Please find my [...]
Thank you all for coming out today. As you know, since the summer we've faced a serious drought and it's not letting up. As the mayor of Avery, Texas, I'm announcing some tougher measures to conserve water in the area, so please take note.
To start, we're canceling our summer ice sculpture festival. Turns out that doing ice sculptures in West Texas uses up an extreme amount of water. We'll be asking a number of you to discontinue your 24-hour front lawn Slip 'N Slides. And don't just move them to the backyard. Let's see, what else… until further notice, we're closing the town's mile long car wash. Don’t [...]