"Several times a day, Nick shits his pants, scream-belches, “YOU FRACKING WHORE!” at me, snorts a veritable mountain of crushed ephedrine, urinates on our bed, makes me re-shave the swastika into his pubes, and then cries like a baby and calls me 'Mommy' while he tries to suckle at my unresponsive buttocks. When we have company over? Forget it."
— Megan Mullally on the behavior of her husband Nick Offerman, in a love-and-romance-themed Q & A over at the AV Club. If there were ever a couple to aspire to be like on this Valentine's Day, it's them.
It's not easy to reconcile my preferences for the alternative comedy scene that this site represents and my admiration for an eternally mainstream show like SNL. I want a lineup of weird, dark premises and sketches that establish clear games… and then intentionally subvert them. I want sketches to end with Mr. Show-like transitions, with a character leaving the room and walking onto a new set, where a new sketch begins, and throwaway jokes from earlier sketches to reappear later, like Kroll Show is doing. I want an episode where Nick Offerman hosts, Garfunkel and Oates is the musical guest, Danny Pudi sits silently in the background of every sketch, [...]
Dear Michael Ian Black, I have been in a relationship with my current computer for about nine months, and the spark is starting to go out of our relationship. We browse the same websites, and refresh every few minutes, but there's something perfunctory about it. I can't help but wish my computer would take me to a new site where I could read your advice on romantic questions in time for Valentine's Day. Also, I would like to get a taste of your writing style before spending money on a copy of your book You're Not Doing It Right. But my computer never takes me to a site [...]
America's favorite lothario, Bobby Bottleservice, on what he looks for in a Valentine: "Da kind of things i am looking 4 in a girl, are big natural breasts like J-Wow, Im looking 4 a girl who is very good at plucking out her eyes’ brow, Im looking 4 a girl who drinks a lot of vokka out of Solo cups, Im looking 4 a girl who is not afraid 2 express herself wit otter girls, ha ha ha, inneundo."
Happy Valentine's Day, I guess! In honor of this "holiday," Funny or Die talked to Rob Delaney about how his ideals for this special day: "My ideal Valentine's Day date would be the band Fugazi, because they are not one beautiful woman, but rather they are four serious dudes, so it would present a real challenge to me to romance them properly and meet each of their individual needs. Plus, while I tended to each member, the other three could literally rock my face off with their amazing music, until I was just a love machine with no face, rocking it all the way 'til the sun set on [...]