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Posts tagged as we were promised hoverboards

The Starting Lineup of Every Sports Movie Ever

When you’ve seen as many movies as I have—and I’d strongly caution against doing so—you start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

Playing for a professional sports team is like living in an everlasting magic show filled with magic. You get to travel around the country, constantly getting into bar fights with rival teams and doing sex to people. If you’re lucky enough, you [...]

Pro-Tip for Job Interviews: Say Exactly What You Really Think

When you’ve seen as many movies as I have—and I’d strongly caution against doing so—you start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

A job interview is like a first date: you’re never going to get any tongue by just being yourself. Instead you’re expected to present a walking, talking encapsulation of everything about you that is awesome, only without overdoing it. You highlight [...]

If an Attractive Woman is Single, She Must Be Married to Her Job

When you’ve seen as many movies as I have — and I’d strongly caution against it — you start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

Women are under a lot of pressure to get married by a certain age. Women in movies, however, are under geothermal, tectonic plate-shifting pressure to get married by a certain age. The lead female character’s single status [...]

Movie Heroes and the Ever-Present Dickface Boyfriend

When you’ve seen as many movies as I have — and I’d strongly caution against doing so — you’ll start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

According to most movies, if the woman you want to be with is already taken, the man she is currently with will not only be a serious tool, he will likely reveal himself as such in private, [...]

We Were Promised Hoverboards: Temporary Children

If you’ve seen as many movies as I have — and I’d strongly caution against doing so — you’ll start to notice the patterns in them. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series that investigates these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

The Myth: When children enter an unattached person’s life suddenly and temporarily, that person will be annoyed at first, and try to get rid of the kid at some point, but eventually he or she will be [...]

The Fat Kid Conundrum

When you’ve seen as many movies as I have — and I’d strongly caution against doing so — you start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

At the end of the movie, Superbad, Jonah Hill’s scruffy, unapologetically overweight character, Seth, walks off into the sunset (technically a mall) with the object of his affection in tow: a hip, attractive, statuesque, red-head named Wilma. [...]

Pretending to Be a Couple Is a Sure Way to Fall in Love

When you’ve seen as many movies as I have — and I’d strongly caution against doing so — you start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

In movies, people are always forcing other people to pose as their lovers, for reasons far too complex for human brains to fully absorb. Sometimes these folks even hire someone with this express purpose, and it works [...]

When Visionary Coaches Recruit Athletes From Completely Different Sports

When you’ve seen as many movies as I have — and I’d strongly caution against doing so — you’ll start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

Any coach who implements some wacky new strategies to get a team out of a slump might be on the right track. There’s a thin line, though, between following one’s muse and obeying the voices in your [...]

We Were Promised Hoverboards: Slapping Friends

If you see as many movies as I have — and I’d strongly caution against doing so — you’ll start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

The Myth: If a friend is rambling on or acting hysterical, it is perfectly reasonable to smack them in the face to calm them down. Instead of getting mad at being slapped, the friend will [...]

We Were Promised Hoverboards: Team Infighting

If you see as many movies as I have —and I’d strongly caution against doing so — you’ll start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

The Myth: No matter the cause, team infighting will always be squashed by the end of the big game.

The Perpetrators: Cool Runnings, Blades of Glory, Mighty Ducks, Major League, Bend it Like Beckham, The Replacements, Remember the Titans, The [...]

When Heroes Fall in Love Under Wacky Circumstances, So Do Their Sidekicks

When you’ve seen as many movies as I have — and I’d strongly caution against doing so — you start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

It’s a rare, wonderful thing to fall in love. We should all be so lucky as to find someone we care about and walk off into the sunset together, in slow motion, the music of Josh Groban [...]

Once Exposed to Small Town Life, It’s Impossible to Return to the Big City

When you’ve seen as many movies as I have — and I’d strongly caution against it — you start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

New York City is a cesspool. Everyone who lives there is keenly aware of such. It also happens to be an endlessly flourishing cultural environment, filled with opportunities for work and play unavailable anywhere else, but long-term [...]

Surprisingly Agile Nerds Always Defeat Their Bullies

When you’ve seen as many movies as I have — and I’d strongly caution against doing so — you’ll start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

When nerds in movies summon the courage to stand up to their bully, they’re always able to throw blows like Marvin Haggler in his prime. That bully gets what’s coming to him, and good! The mere fact [...]

We Were Promised Hoverboards: Elaborate Ruses

If you see as many movies as I have — and I’d strongly caution against doing so — you’ll start to notice the patterns. Through sheer repetition of stock characters and plot threads, Hollywood perpetuates a lot of myths about modern living that are not exactly true. Many of them are downright ridiculous. We Were Promised Hoverboards is a weekly series in which I investigate these myths for sociological and comedic purposes.

The Myth: If you fall in love with someone under false pretenses while conducting an elaborate ruse, your new lover will be mad at you once the truth comes out, but they will forgive you [...]