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The Humor Section
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Smart Social Media Solutions For You and Your Business, by Brandon Hartley

by | May 20th, 2013

Hello there!

You may have heard your colleagues talking about this exciting, new thing called “social media” during your most recent five-martini lunch at wherever big, important business people like you dine on a Wednesday afternoon. Well, we here at Bringman Utilities Linux Litmus Systems Hyper Industries Tech are here to help you with our innovative global online marketing arrangement integrations.

So what’s a “innovative global online marketing arrangement integrations”? To put it in simple terms, our highly experienced team successfully engages multiple open-source communities and 21st-century public relations-centric social media circles in order to deploy and maximize your brand, products, and/or company’s accurate engagement exposure using highly sophisticated web tools and a wide spectrum of other solution-focused techniques.

Does your deep-pocketed Fortune 500-company need assistance with newfangled doohickies like Twitter, Facebook, Wikipedia, Google+, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Yelp, Vine, YouTube, Foursquare, Instagram, LiveJournal, Grindr, Blogger, Admiral Ackbar memes, Craigslist, Redtube, Xbox Live, the World Wide Web, Netscape, the Information Superhighway, ColecoVision and/or whatever an “app” is? Sure, we can do all of that stuff! We’ve been an industry leader in the field of social engagement since we registered our domain name on GoDaddy last Thursday. READ MORE

The Humor Section
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Lodge All Complaints Here, by Matthew Klickstein

by | May 13th, 2013

No need to thank me.

I’m just doing my job. My tireless, aggravating, hamster-wheel job.

But, it’s a job nonetheless, and I’m happy to be working.

Because folks such as yourself are always asking me how exactly it works, I thought I’d finally lay it all down on the line.

If you’ve ever wondered where complaints go, then you’re first of all asking the wrong question. What you should be asking is: Where are complaints lodged? And if you’ve gotten that far, you’re first to be congratulated for your fortitude and then should receive an answer:

COMPLAINTS ARE LODGED IN, WELL, A COMPLAINT LODGE, OF COURSE.

That’s where I work. All day. All night. Non-stop. Forever before and forever beyond. Essentially, it’s my charge to collect, scrutinize and properly categorize any and all complaints lodged. READ MORE

The Humor Section
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I Know How To Make Your Movie Better, by Django Gold

by | May 6th, 2013

It needs to have a cute, little kid who is always outsmarting the grown-ups. There. That's it. That's what's going to make your movie stand above the rest: a little kid — a cute, little kid — and he has to be clever and cute, and, most importantly, he must outsmart the grown-ups. That's what the audience wants, and that's what you will give them.

Here's why this is going to work. Let's say you've got this other guy in your movie, this uptight accountant-type. A real square peg who's always bringing the mood down with his lectures and polo shirt. He thinks he's going to spend all of the movie — all of your movie — in full control of the situation, playing by his rules, keeping that audible pack of muddy, copulating dogs outside and far away from his impeccably furnished billiard room, right? Wrong. Because while we may be bullied into living under his heel, not everyone is so meek. And "not everyone" in this case happens to be four-foot-nothing, wearing a devilish grin and with the dogs in tow. Pandemonium. In the blink of an eye, revenge is his. And now where is our square peg? What has become of his rules? Smashed to pieces, along with his precious ship-in-a-bottle fleet. The so-called "man" destroyed, weeping. Exeunt. READ MORE

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We're Going to Need More Men, by Chason Gordon

by | April 29th, 2013

Whoa, whoa, do you know who we’re dealing with here? This is no regular guy. Those men you sent in—they’re already dead. Arrange catering for their wakes. I told you to call me first if we ever met this guy. We’re going to need more men.

You ever open a pistachio? That’s how easily he can break your neck, especially with a pistachio. This guy is trained in every form of combat, including the illegal ones, including the ones that haven’t been invented yet. I’ve seen him kill a guy on the moon. His hands are registered weapons in 34 states, his feet in 42 states, and his bellybutton in China. Nothing can stop him, nothing is as fast. You blink you’re dead. He blinks; you’ve got one more second to live. READ MORE

The Humor Section
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Improvisation Course Catalog, by Matt Payton

by | April 22nd, 2013

Intro to Improvisation – Mondays 7:00

In this class you will work on overcoming your disdain for improv comedy brought on by years of Whose Line Is It Anyway? and a detrimental trip to ComedySportz in your teen years. It won’t be fully successful, but Monday nights are a television black hole, so what the hell? Expect to be overwhelmed at how many people in your class sound like they have a much more fulfilling job and/or life than you.

Prerequisites: Ability to be civil when you’re in a scene with “that guy” whose friends told him to take this class and who will be gone after the second week. READ MORE

The Humor Section
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My Zombies, by Alex Pearson

by | April 15th, 2013

There is one thing I should make clear about my zombie movie: My zombies are different.

My zombies do not stagger around at a snail’s pace. My zombies do not run around like Olympic-caliber sprinters either. My zombies won’t even bother challenging the International Olympic Committee’s decision to bar zombies from competition because my zombies know they wouldn’t qualify anyway. My zombies are realists whose interests are better served by focusing on more pressing issues in their communities. My zombies move around by skipping, but in a threatening way. And yes, my zombies can swim, but no, not the butterfly.

My zombies are not constantly groaning incomprehensibly. My zombies are stealthy and silent predators, unless my zombies are completely sure no one else is around, and then my zombies can let loose and groan incomprehensibly. My zombies are really insecure about how they sound. READ MORE

The Humor Section
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Excerpts From a Kiss Cam Standard Operating Procedures Manual, by Greg Castle

by | April 8th, 2013

Congratulations on your promotion to KISS CAM DIRECTOR. You are part of a long tradition of sporting event Jumbotron distractions. The following guidelines will help you lead your Kiss Cam team to crowd-pleasing, lip-locking victory!

Participation. Rowdy cheers for kissing couples and boos for couples who refuse to kiss are desired spectator responses. If the overall reaction is disapproving silence, gasps of discomfort, or intense grunting, something is wrong.

If a couple refuses to kiss, leave them and come back to them. If they still refuse, keep them in focus until they have been legitimately chastised by the crowd. Gain the crowd’s ire, let the camera remind everyone who is in control, and they will surrender to your will, in spite of their embarrassment or familial relationship to each other. READ MORE

The Humor Section
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House Rules For Our 'Game of Thrones' Party, by David Henne

by | April 1st, 2013

Take everything you think you know about fantasy-themed house parties and push it out the window. This is our annual Game of Thrones premiere extravaganza. A night when loyalties are tested. Scandal conspires with intrigue. Deceptions reign. And this year, brace yourselves, because Dana is coming. With Mike and them.

All that said, we do ask that guests review a few basic house rules — for the den is small, and full of collectibles.

Arrive in costume.
To avoid another year of multiple Ser Gerris Drinkwaters, we’ll be creating our own original GoT characters and costumes. If you haven’t personalized your sigil, there’s a super simple formula: take the street you grew up on, your favorite mythological color, and the first pet you nurtured to adolescence before it was brutally cut down in front of you.

Stay in your designated area.
Those yet to complete all five novels and three companion novellas will screen the premiere in a separate room. We apologize if this is an inconvenience for some couples, it’s just, seven hells, we can’t pause the episode every two seconds to explain what’s being foreshadowed by this incestuous tower groping or that incestuous horseback groping. READ MORE

The Humor Section
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Pardon the Construction: Our Plastic Surgery Clinic Is Undergoing a Face Lift, by Jeremy Blachman

by | March 25th, 2013

Attention Patients:

Please accept our apologies for the condition of our waiting room and interior offices. Although we pride ourselves on our appearance, you may have noticed that our wallpaper is beginning to buckle, our bookshelves are starting to sag, and our upholstery has suffered a bit of discoloration. Just a little, but small problems can lead to bigger ones. Which is why we must apologize for the inconvenience as our plastic surgery clinic undergoes a face lift.

We'll be pulling the rug as tight as we can, and turning the walls a completely different color than they currently are. We'll also be injecting some material from the couch cushions into the ceiling, although we're not entirely sure why. Be warned that this material may drip as it settles. We've removed 80% of the papers from our file cabinets and replaced them with expandable silicone inserts. If your medical file has been replaced by a balloon filled with gel, we apologize for the inconvenience. READ MORE

The Humor Section
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To Catherine, Regarding the Absurdities of the California Gold Rush, 1849, by Matthew Brian Cohen

by | March 18th, 2013

My Dearest Catherine,

We are heading by caravan to San Francisco, ready to mine for gold. Everyone is telling wild tales about how much gold there is in the city, but I don’t know how much I believe that. As you know, I've always been pretty level-headed. I mean, if there is gold, I’ll be pleasantly surprised, but I'm not pinning my hopes to it. And I certainly don't think there's a city full of gold—that’d be ridiculous. What isn’t ridiculous, however, is vampires—more specifically, daywalkers, vampires who are not harmed by sunlight. As you know, normal vampires can be killed by exposure to sunlight, whereas daywalkers cannot. I know they’re out here, following us in broad daylight. And that's creepy.

My Dearest Catherine,

My travel companions tell me there is so much gold in San Francisco that the streets are literally paved with it. But this seems too good to be true. Wouldn't gold street be much more impractical to travel on than a street made of ordinary stone or brick? And I find it hard to believe the San Francisco taxpayers were willing to pay for gold-paved streets, especially in this economy. How would that decision even get made? Was there a town referendum? A ballot initiative? It makes no sense, and certainly much less sense than my very plausible theory of daywalkers. Seriously, daywalkers could be right behind us. They don’t even need to hide in the shade. If that doesn't scare you, you've got another thing coming. READ MORE

The Humor Section
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Every Advantage, by Nick Taylor

by | March 11th, 2013

When I was five minutes old, my father gave my umbilical cord to a man in a pinstriped suit, who was waiting in the hall. “He’s going to bank your cord blood, son. It might be useful someday. God knows they want a king’s ransom, but your mother and I want you to have every advantage.”

“Ga,” said I.

My sainted mother fought thrush infections in both her breasts and cracked nipples that bled like open wounds in order to provide me with mother’s milk until I was two years old. “I want to tear my chest off,” she cooed in my ear, “but I can’t imagine not giving you every advantage in life.” READ MORE

The Humor Section
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"Football Monday's Comin' to Your Town on Monday Night," My Attempt at a New Monday Night Football Song, by Cullen Crawford

by | March 4th, 2013

Dear Sirs or Madames at ESPN,

With the NFL season over I think it may be time to reconsider your approach to branding Monday Night Football. Simply put, America misses the dancing and singing Guitarman who announces the things that will happen in the upcoming game while wearing sunglasses. I understand your probable reticence, as your last Guitarman was a hateful monster.  Which is why I’m writing you to offer my service as America’s new Monday Night Football Song and Dance Man. I assure you I hate no one but myself and am very good at predicting the happenings of a typical Monday Night Football evening. Please find my attached lyrics for “Football Monday’s Comin’ to Your Town on Monday Night.”

Hoo yeah (x11)

Well it’s Monday night and we’re ready to go,
The men in the helmets puttin’ on a football show,
There’s gonna be tackles and a lot of first downs,
And when the refs blow the whistles, gonna hear a whistle sound,
So wake up the babies and don’t let the dogs bite,
We gonna watch some football all through the Monday Night READ MORE

The Humor Section
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If the Zhou Dynasty Is to Continue, We Musn't Fall Into a "Hilariously Wallow in Our Awkwardness" Cultural Implosion, by Liz Arcury

by | February 25th, 2013

A pleading letter from a palace servant, Liu, to King Huan, his ruler and king of the Zhou Dynasty, 700 B.C.

My Lord,

I know that I am simply a humble palace servant. There are thousands of us. But I feel I must break hierarchical standards and sneak you this letter. I am writing to warn you of our kingdom’s impending cultural doom. Please do not disregard this.

I have started to notice something odd in the town square. This morning, for example, I spotted a young man and a young woman walking toward each other in front of the fish market. As they were about to pass each other, they both looked up as if to make eye contact, but then quickly looked back down and continued walking, both appearing equally unhappy and defeated by the whole thing. I have seen these two in the square on previous occasions enjoying a friendly tea together and laughing as if they enjoyed each other’s presence. There is no clear inner motivation on either side for this sudden unfriendly behavior, other than the larger, societal shift that is creeping into our reality.

I fear we are at the precipice of a “hilariously wallow in our awkwardness” cultural implosion. READ MORE

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The Retired Man's Guide to Snow Removal, by Ralph Gamelli

by | February 19th, 2013

5:00 a.m. Wake up and look out window. Be happy that yesterday's forecast was right—several inches of new snow has fallen. There's work to be done.

5:10 a.m. Get dressed in six layers of heavy winter clothing. Begin interminable wait until 9 a.m., the earliest possible hour that civilized society has deemed acceptable for a person to start his snow blower on a Saturday morning.

6:30 a.m. Start snow blower.

7:20 a.m. After taking twice as long as necessary to clear driveway, start work on the sidewalk and curb in front of your mailbox. Thoroughly brush all snow from top of mailbox itself. (Drying with a clean, soft cloth is optional.) READ MORE

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