Thank you all for coming out today. As you know, since the summer we've faced a serious drought and it's not letting up. As the mayor of Avery, Texas, I'm announcing some tougher measures to conserve water in the area, so please take note.
To start, we're canceling our summer ice sculpture festival. Turns out that doing ice sculptures in West Texas uses up an extreme amount of water. We'll be asking a number of you to discontinue your 24-hour front lawn Slip 'N Slides. And don't just move them to the backyard. Let's see, what else… until further notice, we're closing the town's mile long car wash. Don’t worry, though, I checked with the people at Guinness, and they say we will not lose the record for world's longest car wash. We still hold that by about 5,000 feet. READ MORE
Coach! Time’s running out. You gotta put me in the game, coach. I’m not exactly sure what sport we’re playing here, but coach, please, put me in the game.
Are we playing basketball? I think this is basketball. I’ve got a good basketball-y feeling about this. We’re definitely playing some b-ball here. Right? Listen coach, let me play in the b-ball competition. Trust me, I won’t let you down. If we’re on defense, I’ll block the shot or punt the ball or whatever. That is, if we are on defense. I’m not entirely clear on that. If we happen to be on offense, I can make the three-pointer that we possibly need right now. Coach, I can do it. Once, I saw this video where two teams were playing what I think was basketball. One team had a player with cerebral palsy. He was their equipment manager or something, but they let him play for some reason. When this kid with cerebral palsy went into the game, he made like ten straight three-pointers. Coach, I don’t even have cerebral palsy. Just think how good I’d be! Of course, this is all contingent on the fact that we are actually playing basketball. READ MORE
Dear Ms. Sharavsky,
It has been brought to my attention that at exactly 11:03 pm, after calling your mother, moisturizing your face, and paying your monthly student loan bill, you folded the final item of your clean laundry. You have therefore temporarily exhausted your list of mundane tasks and concerns, and are undoubtedly eager for a restful night of sleep. Instead, please choose one of the following irrational fears and allow it to consume you. Please keep in mind that you will not be reimbursed for the cost of counseling or marijuana, and your roommates have issued a formal statement that checking you for swollen glands makes them feel weird.
- Remember that text you sent a few days ago? The one you thought could be misinterpreted as racist? It was definitely racist. You are a racist. Your non-racist friend who received your racist text is currently forwarding your racist thoughts to everyone in your life who has ever claimed to love you unconditionally. It turns out their love has one condition: no racists. You will die alone and a racist.