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Crossing the River Styx with Your Host Ryan Seacrest, by Robert Hershorn
Welcome back! Okay guys, the final hour of coverage underway, comin’ to you live from within the brackish mire! We’ve been getting the scoop from the swarms of cast-off souls assuming their quest to the great unseen, and we are here now with Angelos Constantinou, Angelos, you succumbed to acute lymphoblastic leukemia, but I have to say, you are positively glowing, what is the secret?
…okay, he’s a little dazed, but hey, that’s all right! You know, this is his first trip to the realm of Hades and a lot of times with these rookies on the big night, they get a little nervous, but we’ll let him slide this time!
Okay, now, the music you can probably hear behind me, is, you guessed it, Krzysztof Penderecki’s Polymorphia, and it’s being piped in…well, we’re not really sure where it’s coming from at this point, since we’re surrounded on all sides by jagged cliffs, tendrils of ragged grass and reeds, and waters blacker than any howling abyss certainly than I’ve ever seen, but, I can tell you, the crews at these events are real pros, so, a safe bet that they worked a little magic to bring us the tunes tonight! READ MORE
Landscaping, by Ryan Krebs
Alright, is everyone here? We're missing Bobby.
Hey, there he is. Sorry B, Didn't see you there. Hop on up in your dinner chair.
Ok, so I want to thank everyone for taking a few minutes out of your schedules for this promptly called family
meeting. It won't take long, I promise.
First off, I just want to say how great you kids have been for the last month. Really great work around the
house with your chores. I haven't had to spot-clean Scooter's messes in weeks. Samantha, you've been right on
that, and I thank you. It's a real weight off my shoulders. You kids wanted a dog and you are proving you can
handle it. Great job. Let me be clear on this, each of your hard work has been appreciated and noted for future
reference — especially around the Holidays, right?! Haha…
Anywhooo. All that having been said, I do have a minor gripe I wanted to pass along to you kids. I was out
in the backyard last night firing up the grill for Burger Night, and out of the corner of my eye what do I see
popping out of the ground next to the lilacs? Your grandmother's hand. READ MORE
Decoding Your Preteen's Facebook Acronyms: What You Need to Know, by Charlie Nadler
Attention parents of preteens: your child may be on Facebook!
While the popular social networking site’s official policy prohibits children under the age of 13 from registering, studies show that preteens are nevertheless finding clever ways to cheat the system and create illicit profiles. As a parent, it is your duty to carefully monitor your preteen’s Facebook activity until they have reached the age of 13. (Once they have turned 13, your child will possess the maturity and wisdom needed to use the site safely and independently, and the matter will no longer be of your concern.)
Here’s what you need to know: preteens on Facebook use a lot of acronyms. Once you learn the acronyms, you’ll know exactly what kind of debauchery your child is getting into, and you can take appropriate action. Find a strategic vantage point from where you can see your young one’s computer screen—preferably hiding under the bed in an old Halloween costume or using a complex system of mirrors from the crawl space—and keep your eyes peeled for these usual suspects: READ MORE
Poland Springs: It’s Poison!, by Daniel McGillivray
Dear Valued Customer,
I’m Chet Ricker, senior marketing director for the Poland Springs Bottling Company. Almost 200 years ago my ancestors took a simple idea – Maine’s most delicious water – and turned it into a local business. Boy, we sure have grown since then. We’re now a proud member of the Nestle Waters North America family (a division of Graypool Industrial ChemCorp), but I still think about those early days every time I pick up another bottle of Poland Springs.
Our Heritage is the reason I was so concerned last month when I heard that every single one of our aquifers began producing streams of deadly, deadly poison. READ MORE
Archimedes The Sicilian, by Jacob Sager Weinstein
Archimedes? Sure. Nice kid when he was little. Then he accepted an assortment of internally consistent but morally problematic logical postulates, and the next thing you know, he was running numbers for the local mob. At first it was just the lower primes — 3, 5, sometimes a 7 or an 11 — but pretty soon it was the big ones. You wanted to know if 2^32582657-1 was divisible by anything other than itself and one, Archimedes was the man to see.
And not just rational numbers, either. One time, I remember, the cops wanted to know the last digit of pi, but Archimedes wouldn’t squeal. As far as the local boys were concerned, that proved Archimedes had what they called “philosopher’s stones.” READ MORE
A Welcome Bulletin, by Luke Gordon Field
ATTENTION NEW GLADIATORS!
It is our pleasure to greet you and introduce you to life here at the Coliseum. We know you're all excited to start running around killing literally everything that moves, but before you do we here at the welcoming committee wanted to take a few moments to say hi (hello!) and tell you about how things work here. We promise it won't be TOO boring.
Small detail to get out of the way: for those of you who were brought here as slaves, prisoners of war ripped away from your families to serve as fresh meat for a bloodthirsty Roman Empire whose soul died long ago, and are wondering if there is any chance of eventual freedom and return to your homeland, quit your worrying now. There is absolutely no chance of you ever being freed, and your families and friends are all most likely dead!
Now, as for sleeping arrangements. There will be four to a room. Each room has two sets of bunk beds, and won't that be fun! But seriously guys, no fighting over the top bunk. Save that energy for the arena because if you kill a guy with a top bunk, the unofficial rule is that you have just won his bed. Also, if you like, you can eat his heart. READ MORE
We Have Your Wife and Are Willing to Have a Reasonable Negotiation for Her Return, by Pat Feehan
Dear Sir:
We have kidnapped your wife and are willing to return her safely for a reasonable price. You can believe us when we say we have her because we included a lock of her hair. We are not the type of kidnappers to cut off one of her toes or fingers to prove we have her. Just believe us when we say we have kidnapped her and take it as a sign of our sensibility that we only included hair as proof, and not a lot of hair for that matter.
Our opening offer for the return of your wife is thirty thousand dollars, which we feel is an acceptable price. We understand that you are not wealthy by any means but we have cased out your home and know that you lead a comfortable life, you even have an in-ground pool (btw, we love the addition you put on the side, it really ups the square footage without ruining the curb appeal). We also know that you have a really nice job at a big name accounting firm in the city, good for you. READ MORE
An Invitation to My Theoretical Future Son's Bar Mitzvah on the Moon, by Dan Nosowitz
Please Join Us as We Celebrate the Bar Mitzvah of Our Son Jacob or Benjamin or Whatever Nosowitz
The Twelfth of June, Two Thousand and Thirty-Two at Nine O’Clock in the Morning, Lunar Standard Time
Services will be held at Temple Beth Israel in the Imbrium Crater, just north of the Carpatus Mountains. Transportation will be provided from New Westchester. Beth Israel provides its own holo-yarmulkes, though of course you are welcome to bring your own if you’d like. The reception will be held immediately following the service at the Imbrium Hilton’s ballroom. The Hilton offers plenty of parking for local rovers as well as a direct magno-rail line from the Light Side Station for those taking the Gingrich Express from Earth. The food choices will be chicken, vegetarian, and genetically-modified salmon legs.
For our non-Jewish friends: We will ask that you turn off your augmented-reality non-corrective contact lens communicators (“phones”) in accordance with the rules of Shabbat. Gifts are not required, but the number 18 (“chai”) is considered a spiritually lucky number in the Jewish culture, and 180 spaceyuan is a customary gift. We’re sure he’d also love a Judaica ebook. READ MORE
Wine List, by Gillian Weeks
ROBERT-DENOGENT, Macon-Solutre, Chardonnay, '08 - 12/51.00
Approachable, fruit-forward, an instant favorite. Notes of peach and honeysuckle suggest easy drinking but ultimately blindside you with a vicious shot to the ego. Available by the glass.
DOMAINE ROLLIN, Cote d'or, Pinot Noir, '07 - 13/58.00
A very popular bottle that apparently every guy in flannel and a beard has already enjoyed. Though it expresses some beguiling tannins, you’ll like it less when you find out it’s served all over Park Slope and a lot of Astoria. Available by the hour, I mean, glass.
DOMAINE LE BRISEAU "PATAPON," Coteaux de Loir, Pineau D'aunis - 60.00
Complex and contradictory flavors. Dry and fruity. Sweet and acidic all at once. This bottle doesn’t like to “make choices” or “get your hopes up,” although it’s totally fine to bring you to its cousin’s wedding all the way up in the Berkshires and introduce you to people as its “manfriend,” whatever the fuck that means. READ MORE
Why I Am Leaving the Human Centipede by Lindsay, by Rob Kutner
TODAY is my last day in the Human Centipede. After almost 12 hours in the project, first in the front, then in the middle – I believe I have helped form it long enough to understand the trajectory of its poop. And I can honestly say that that poop is as toxic and disgusting as, well, poop.
To put the problem in the simplest terms, the nutritional interests of the Centipede’s members continue to be sidelined in the interest of sustaining the maniacal Dr. Josef Heiter’s erection. The Human Centipede is one of the world’s largest and onliest experiments in homo-entomology, and is too integral to science to continue to act this way. The Centipede has veered so far from the place I was joined to right after being drugged and tied up that I can no longer in good conscience say that I identify what it stands for — much less where my mouth ends and the Japanese man’s anus begins. READ MORE
Criminally Good Pizza, by Jaime Fernandez
I love pizza. It's as simple as that. Good pizza is like good sex [they both can leave hard to remove stains from your bedsheets!]. And I am lucky enough to live in the pizza capital of the United States: New York City! So I decided to take a tour of some of the best pizzerias in town. Come join me on this delicious journey and let's stain some bedsheets together [strictly pizza related]. Hope it's not too cheesy!!!
Vinny's Pizza — Brooklyn: Vinny Rinaldi makes his mouth watering pies from an old wood-burning brick oven that he's had since 1967. "They don't make ovens like this no more. And that's a shame because they cook the best pizza," Vinny told me. I took one bite of his pizza and was hooked. I then told him, "They should call this place Pizza Heroin. Because I'm addicted! Although I'm assuming you've had a lot of experience with real heroin while drug trafficking in organized crime." Vinny spit out his thin crust, violently pushed me to the ground and yelled, "Who the f-ck sent you! Are you wearing a f-cking wire? ANSWER ME GODDAMMIT!!!"Grade:B [wasn't a fan of the crust] READ MORE
I'm Your Co-Worker Linda and You Absolutely Cannot Believe How Zany I Am, by Laura Jayne Martin
Hey there, whatcha working on? Expense reports? Oh, really they’re due in an hour? Well, I should let you get back to work, I just needed my third cup of coffee — it is 8 a.m., right? You know me, Java Jenny, needs her caffeine fix from the ol’ bean juice. Guilty!
Whew, well this morning was a doozey. Saffron and Gabriel would just not get out of bed! And this is just a never-ending battle with these two; I’ve already gotten four notices about Gabriel’s tardiness. Of course, he doesn’t care; Mr. Man thinks he can just charm his way out of any situation with that killer smile and those baseball biceps. And I tell him, that’s not gonna work on the SATs, buddy! So, he tells me he’s not going to college, because a bachelor’s degree is just an invoice for $100,000 of debt. I mean whaddya say to that, right? He’s such a free bird; sometimes I think maybe he just gets it.
But still they have to go to school, right? The last thing I need is to have some truancy officers busting into my laundry room like CSI and dragging me away in shackles, while his highness keeps yelling from the bathroom: “do I have any clean undershirts?” I swear, if that man ever learned how to fold a hand towel and PUT IT AWAY, I would probably drop dead right there — on the linoleum floor that he’s been promising to replace for about a hundred years. And then when the newspaper came the photographer would catch me in all my glory, face down in the laundry basket. The headline would say “Woman dies in hamper while son earns fifth tardy!” I’m such a hoot! READ MORE
THE PUUURFECT APARTMENT!!!, by Andrew Ford
The perfect 2-Bedroom* apartment is now available in that hip neighborhood, next to that bridge, that allll your friends just moved to!!!
Only $ 1000 $ More than it should be!!!
Exposed brick & A (non-working) fireplace that could easily fit a record player!!! Or – Trader Joe’s wine rack!!!
STEPzz from the subway that you and all the other “new media consultants” take to ur loft-style offices by that other bridge!!!
You won’t be the only iPad!!!! READ MORE
Announcing the Closing of A Part Thai’d Restaurant, by Spencer Ham
Effective June 4, A Part Thai’d Restaurant has closed its doors for good. We would like to thank our small contingent of customers, as it was an absolute pleasure to serve you our Thai/American fusion cuisine over the last five weeks. We regret this decision, but the bad press and unrelenting protests were just too much to endure.
To those that fiercely protested against us, we have addressed some of your wild accusations:
“You’re an abominable restaurant that advocates racism.”
YIKES! This is absolutely 100% NOT true. For the record: we DO NOT support segregating race, just like we do not support segregating flavors. You would know this if you tried our succulent Panang Burger or our transcendent Nacho Cheese Pot Stickers.
We didn’t even know apartheid was a thing before this whole big misunderstanding. After reading up on it, we can confidently say that we’d love to serve Nelson Mandela. The only prison we would put him in would be his own body because he’d get morbidly obese after eating so much of our delicious food! READ MORE
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