“Dance like the photo’s never going to be tagged;
Love like you’ve never been defriended;
Tweet like no one’s following.”
-Henry David Thoreau
Romantic, isn’t it? Tweet as you will, if you actually had zero followers it would be hard not to let yourself straighten out a curve on the Pacific Coast Highway and plummet blissfully down onto the rocky cliffs below, where at least you’d feel something.
Admit it, it’s fine, you want followers. How many? How many is enough? 200,000? Well as the saying goes, “if you want 200,000 followers, follow 200,000 auto follow-back robots.” But some of us want humans to like us too, and that’s what makes life so difficult.
Internet hyperspecialist Alex Blagg has spoken of a day when “a man is judged not by the color of his skin, but by the content of his content.” Do great tweets ensure you a substantial following? Looking at people like Rob Delaney or Julianne Smolinski you might think it does, but we also all know funny people who have the twitter presences of individual blades of grass. In compiling this guide I consulted some of the Internet’s preeminent twitterati (a word that causes me to sneeze blood), as well as some of the least-followed people in the world (twitteteriat?) to see what’s working this summer, and what’s blurking. And, guys, this stuff is hot. READ MORE
INT. SUBURBS – DAY – A CHILD’S PARTY
We see a FANCY CLOWN from the perspective of the SEATED CHILDREN, all dressed in suits and floral prints. A string quartet is out of view. The SEATED CHILDREN laugh politely at the balloon animals and seltzer water. They are too old for this and would prefer to be sexting, but they are still intrigued by the plight of the struggling artist.
Suddenly RANDY, the birthday boy, erupts into hysterical laughter. The other SEATED CHILDREN support his move and begin to laugh harder, but they can’t match his intensity. Laughter overtakes his whole body, and he falls from his chair, flailing. Ambient mirth turns to confusion and then to terror. SALLY lets out a deafening shriek as she notices blood trickling from the corners of RANDY’S eyes. The room falls silent. A wayward breeze rattles the shutters and blows out the birthday candles.
* * *
Some people say laughter is the best medicine. The health benefits of laughter have actually been studied pretty extensively, with lots to support its value. But, like any medicine, it can also kill you. And if something can kill you, it probably will. READ MORE
How many times have you found yourself going on and on about some hysterical new movie — telling your friends they have to watch it or else they will never fully get you — only to realize that this “supremely hilarious…masterpiece” wasn’t actually a movie at all, but a stack of firewood? Pretty embarrassing. How could you have been so mistaken? Ah, that’s right, it’s because you were on drugs. Well, who’s laughing now? Guess what — still you, because you’re still on drugs. Hey. HEY. [snapping fingers in front of your eyelids] Hey… there you are! READ MORE